oh where do i start
the incantation that's left a brand on my heart indicative of the way a tree builds roots to create a stable foundation- leaving its mark in the healthiest way for both the ecosystem and the specimen
i listened to the chimes of the morning dew as it drips onto the ground, a soft plop as it completes its part in the life cycle of the world around it
you told me you love the way i love the little things in life, i didn't quite realize what you meant until i was thinking about it that night. and maybe it was the sunburn radiating off my head but i felt like my life was playing back through my mind as i held your hand that night, recalling every experience from my point of view, not that of my trauma ridden mind which often warps my perspective into a million fragments from others perspectives in order to best please them.
i thought about my earliest memories, the grain of the wood under the preschool table i hid under. the permanent marker stained inventory numbers instilled in the bottom of it. the way the lamination of the table cloth felt when i tried to pull it down more to hide myself.
how the paint reflected off the light of the hallway bathroom in my childhood room. how many hours i'd sit there watching how it would change when people walked by or how differently it would even just feel when the heat of the ac would kick to life.
how i would count the whiskers on our cats and watch where their mixed colors would meet, or how the pupil would meet the iris and how the galaxy of color would shift to make room for their new found excitement.
how many hours of my life i've spent looking at the small details of absolutely everything around me. my dad taught me from an upsetting age to be aware of absolutely around me at all times, in case something happened where they needed details. it would make me helpful. it was a herculean task for a 6 year old- getting quizzed after school every day on the details of my teacher and my peers. i remember the look i got when i hesitated or didn't know, i think it's why i i still absorb absolutely every little thing.
but i think its more self motivated now, healing and all that i guess.
i do it for myself.
i watch the mollusks in the water bury and submerge, the sea snails on the west coast of the panhandle coming to life and crawling onto my still hands as i sit on the shore- not knowing the magic their small existence brings me.
i watch the baby chicks learn to eat for the first time, pecking at their feed with my finger to make sure they get the point and falling in love with every one of them as they grow. they go through first molt and lose their baby feathers, they crow for the first time or lay their first egg, or the comb starts to crow. it's all so important to me, for no reason other than that the details make me so happy
i love laying in the grass and watching the actions of a universe so different from our own. how they weave and web their homes along the earth's carpet, unaware of the mundane things that trouble the giants around them. i like the fibers on the plants, the lines in the dead leaves, and the texture of the moistened earth below the top soil. nature is all built on little details, i love it a lot
i love laying in my bed at night before bed, thinking about everything i saw that day and realizing all of the little things that had to happen to make everything come to life.
but i never realized not everyone was like this, i guess.
you're different, my muse, do you know that? i study your details like everything else in my life but it's so different, in the best way possible.
i lay there as you fall asleep in my arms, listening to your steady breathing as you find a safe haven with me. i count them like i do with sheep when i'm on my own, its the only way i know to make myself fall asleep. eventually i notice we've synced our breathing, and after that thought i'm in the same position you are. laying together in the most vulnerable position someone can be in with each other as the night swallows us whole.
i notice your individual hairs, which isn't as weird as it sounds i hope. you have a single grey hair on the left side of your middle part that i noticed, i thought it was interesting. before you start snoring you always cut your breathes in half, like you're preparing for it. you smile with your whole face when you smile, your eyes shine and your whole expression just screams enjoyment. your eyes turn golden when the sun hits them the right way and i watch your pupils retract in response, everything about them shifts in a really pretty way. i love the way you read, the little things keep me hooked. the words you maybe subconsciously skip that i wouldn't realize if i wasn't reading along with you. the gentle way your voice drops in octave when you sing, wanting to make it known how masculine you are. i love when you reassure me while driving, even if i can't show it while on the road. it helps, a lot. driving isn't super easy for me but on the list of things i'd do to spend time with you, it's for sure not the worst thing on there.
i found it hard to believe you loved me
they are words that have been echoed without meaning to me for years and i found it really difficult to accept that someone as wonderful as you genuinely felt that way
until it clicked. there was a reel about little furry-like animal creatures taking care of each other and where in every relationship before this, i would associate myself with the caretaker, this time i felt like it could be either of us in either position. i may or may not have shed a tear when i realized that this is the relationship i've been begging for my entire life
your meaning of "bare minimum" is so perfect. you tell me i need to up my standards but i don't need to. i've already found the most perfect person for me, i genuinely feel like we were made for each other, and these last four days set that in stone for me
i feel in love with you,
i feel safe and comfortable and happy,
i feel seen and loved and cared for.
i can only hope my strong feelings for you reflect the same adoration you've shown me in the same language for you, i want you to feel- no i need you to feel, the way i'm feeling. i can't imagine you falling for me the way i've fallen for you but, i've never felt this way before and i don't want to experience this without you
i will write a more detailed thing about our trip soon, my darling. but i'm so sleepy, and the horse i brought home with me has retained your scent. so for now, even miles apart, we rest together. i love you, with all of my heart, my sun <33
