I know I said I was going to bed awhile ago
I think part of me knew that wasn't the case.
I took my medication, the one that caused those worries a few days ago
I'm just in the waiting period for it now. I can feel my heart slow and my breathing become a part of my autonomy again. I'm more twitchy than normal but that's okay, it's a new medication.
I keep thinking about you though, you know.
As I lay here and wonder if I stopped forcing myself to blink if my eyes would ever shut again, I wonder about you
If you're dreaming right now, if you're even asleep, I wonder if it's good. I wonder if you're having another one where you concuss the nearest bystander unintentionally or if something from your past is stalking up on you.
I hope you're dreaming of sunsets and flowers. I hope we're together and for some reason they're hypoallergenic so you can enjoy them
I also think about you during the day
Sometimes I feel guilty for the things that make me think of you, since my mind shoots connections between things faster than you can speak them I guess it's only to be expected that something like walking down stairs can remind me of you.
My mind always finds a way back to you though, you know
I think you've made a nice cozy home in my heart, maybe it has a little chimney so you can have a small fire on cold nights. I wonder if my heart slowing affects your cottage at all, maybe it's how you know it's nighttime, hm?
I don't know. I just know I miss you
My hands feel lonely as does my passenger seat
I miss smiling with you, laughing and crying too
I miss holding each other at night like we might float away from each other otherwise
Sometimes when I really miss you I find that safe lofi song that haunted my dreams in the hotel
"SAFE HAVEN"
I remember reading it when you clicked it. The green thumbnail scorched in my mind as the song played throughout the darkness
Sometimes when I play it it's like you're with me again. Maybe I'm hoping by playing it you'll be in my dreams, too
I keep thinking about the fair. I'm so hopeful that I won't ruin it for you by being nervous. I'm not the best in crowds, to be honest. I'm sure if we're together it'll be okay though. Every worry seems to melt away with the stroke of your thumb and that look you give me that I swear means a thousand reassurances at once.
I hope I don't let your mom down. I know you don't care what your grandmother thinks of me, and your mom seems to like me so far? But I want to make a good impression. I know I can be off-putting to new people and I hope that isn't the case with her.
Maybe I'm overthinking again?
Regardless it'll be okay, we'll be together and everything will work out.
We'll see the old Florida exhibit that hope has the wood carvings you were excited about, I'll follow you onto whatever rides you want to ride even if I'm a little nervous because I'm a wuss, we'll share feelings and have a good time. It will be okay :)
I love you a lot, like more than Moxie-likes-her-squeaky-toy levels of love
I feel my most authentic with you
I've dated a few people in the past few years, all of them I've had to put a front up to make them happy. I was so scared of being alone that I would be whatever made someone happy, obviously with heinsight that wasn't my best idea. With you I'm just me, though. And you like me for me, I think. I've never had someone legitimately feel that way, it's hard for me to fully accept after so long of just being whatever someone wanted out of me
Besides that you're just spectacular
Your charisma and sense of humor is wonderful, you're so handsome (and pretty at the same time?? Talk about a double package!), you have the most adorable smile, and you're just so YOU, yk?
You're honest and you give everything your all, even when you can't you still try your best. You have a heart of gold and it genuinely feels like you try to see the best in everyone but you're not afraid to be honest about the situation at hand either. You're direct but soft, and that's amazing. You don't judge me for the amount I'm sleeping at the moment, you're patient and kind hearted, even though I know I'm in a weird situation at the moment with working and my mental health stuff, not to mention the medication changes
You're just so out of my league, I can't fathom sometimes how we ended up matching much less together? Shooting my shot and asking you to date me was one of the best things I've ever done
I love you so much, Sawyer <3
