i have mixed feelings tonight.
not about you, never about you.
i think you're the only thing my heart is set in stone on as far as feelings go.
unconditional, through thick and thin. i don't want to think about being with anyone but you.
it's been a slow day for me today compared to my normal routine
i woke up at 9 originally, i assume it was from me being used to waking up a few times during the night the last few nights or from me getting used to your more normal sleep schedule
regardless i woke up with a pit in my chest and cobwebs in my hands, ice growing from my frontal lobe as the frigid nightmares that lead the way to a day long migraine begin to fester
i groaned and rolled out of bed, my dog was so happy i was home. i wish i felt the same way.
i fed the chicks and let the dogs out, i stood in the backyard and just watched for a few minutes
breath in. i hear the mourning doves and see the orchids sway, the dogs roll in the leaves and my more grown fruits of my labor meet me at my feet, chirping with glee that i'm back now.
hold for five. i look up to the sky. i wonder where the birds go when they're out of sight. i wonder if your bed smells of me now, i wonder if i've infested your dreams and if your hand curls instinctively as it looks for mine, like i witnessed just the day before as you napped.
breath out. my shoulders drop and my eyes close as i exhale. today is going to be an alex day, i think.
i recall the dogs and we go inside, i lay in my bed and it feels colder somehow.
you've never been here, i don't even know if you remember what it looks like from the pictures i've shared
but it still feels empty without you
i lay here and i worry
i wear the hoodie that you adopted for a month, its got your scent and it makes me a little teary eyed to think about you, even though just 13 hours ago i was with you
i lay flat on my back, my head throbs and my chest hurts a little as i spiral slowly down the cascading stairs that my mind makes just for self sabotage
i hope i'm not feeling too much too quickly
i feel so happy but i don't want to scare you away
i don't want to sound insane for saying i'd walk through the desert barefoot just to see you again
every relationship i've been in through the last 3 years that's been my downfall
i feel too much. it's like i'm shooting myself in the foot.
i had to try really hard in all of those relationships to get myself to feel something about them just to have them use it against me and tell me after months of talking and spending time together, that they never liked me in the first place. that it's a good thing whatever this was is now over.
i feel a way i have not felt before about you and it makes me a little scared
you express the same sentiment and i trust you mean it but i can't imagine you feeling that way about me, nobody ever has
i trust you, and that scares me the tiniest amount
but i love you. this is what i always imagined falling in love felt like and now it's here and it's happening and it's wonderful
i just hope we're falling together and i don't hit the pavement
so many thoughts to have at 9 am.
but then here i sit again, at 9 pm with the same thoughts
the creeping migraine i already vanquished once now back again and making me worry again with it
i know i'm probably just overtired
i know i'll feel more clear tomorrow
hell i could feel more clear in 15 minutes
but i want this to work out, so badly.
i think it's only healthy to worry about it a little bit maybe?
i'm gonna take a little nap to clear my head. you know it always fixes my problems
i appreciate your patience with me, i know you love me and i hope you know it extends to you as well.
you're my sun and the stars, the universe and the solar systems, the infinity and beyond
today my brain is just taking a lazy day <3
