fantasy is a word i loved as a kid.
it was unicorns and dragons and magic, things i found ways to still believe in despite knowing they were just that- a fantasy.
something so otherworldly that the human brain made them up along with a word to describe them, like they're in a league of their own.
fantasy is a word i still love, like a fine wine its gotten only richer with age.
i find that fantasy is more of a feeling akin to heavenly than a creature with unusual appendages.
i have mixed feelings on the word fantasize though, i feel like its rooted in a context i don't like much.
but just like a lot of things, you've helped me find a new meaning and a new appreciation for this word. a recontextualization, if you will.
its been almost two months that we've been talking now, and from that first week i found myself thinking about you. i remember cooking dinner the first week we were talking and turning my ringer on so i would hear when your messages to me came through. that's when i realized i was in trouble. when my head would snap around at any notification in hopes it was from you, i knew i was hooked.
but between then and now some things have changed, the notification reaction hasn't, but some things have. like we have a label on our relationship now! and i get to call you my boyfriend and hold your hand! i also get to think about the future, this is where my fantasy has found its home.
whether its the near future or the far future, years down the line, i fantasize about experiencing it with you.
i fantasize about four days from now, when i get to see you in person and hold you again. when i get to see your smile and feel my heart race when you so proudly acknowledge that i'm yours.
i fantasize about running my fingers through your hair, whispering softly to you while holding you close. i love being soft with you.
i fantasize about the beach day with you, getting to have fun and get that experience i always craved from the beach. i want to be care free with you, more importantly, i want you to feel like a kid again.
i fantasize about the future a bit further out too though. i don't express these too often, i worry about coming off too strong or that you don't feel the same way. i know you were originally looking for something more casual and i am worried about losing you.
i fantasize about having you over at my place, having you keep me company while i cook and do my chores. i can see you cuddling with the cats and falling head over heels for winston and jerma. i can see you smelling the flowers around our house and being scared when the bumble bees bounce off of you.
i fantasize about playing rdr2 with you, protecting you from the game's more harsh online players and getting killed in the process. i can hear your laughter when i die via something stupid, that laugh fills my heart with joy
i fantasize about doing mundane things with you, going to the grocery store and even just sitting in the car together, anything with you is so wonderful. i think you could make a rainbow in a hurricane.
i fantasize about you being here when i'm sleeping, my hand feels empty without yours and i think i miss the metal clanging of you hitting the bed in the middle of the night. i miss knowing you were there with me, the safety that it brought.
but more than fantasize i also just stew. when i feel lonely or i miss you, i sit here and think about all of the things we've already done and all of the memories we've made.
i think about our first roblox date and how nervous i was to make a good first impression, how you were cleaning with your sister that night and we didn't have long. or how i hadn't played roblox in years and didn't even know the controls, i'm still not sure i do.
i think about the smile that hasn't left my face since. how when that call ended the first thing i did was rush to tell my sister how excited i was and how much fun i had with you. how natural it all felt to just talk to you
i think about the first letter that i got from you, how the stickers spackle my laptop and the paper sits pinned up near my bed. there's a shelf up in front of it now for the stable that's coming home with me.
i think about all of the calls we've shared with each other since, how much comfort your voice brings me and how loved even the cadence of your voice makes me feel. all of the hours we've spent together playing, or watching something, or even just talking. it's all so magical to me.
i think about how everything reminds me of you now, i step outside and feel surrounded by things i want to show you. the clouds, the sun, the birds, the flowers, the honey bees, all of it is you, and you are so wonderful.
i think about how much of my space is occupied by your likeness now. my work desk where i spend most of my day has you all over it, even my model horse shelf above it has the wood you lovingly painted for me.
i think about your thumb running over my hand while i fall asleep, how it silenced any bad thoughts i may have been having and eased any anxiety i was experiencing with one touch. there's something so soft about how you do that, its become one of my favorite things.
i just think about you, sawyer.
i hear sappy love songs and think about everything i love about you,
i read sappy posts and cry seeing that how i feel is being reflected,
i write sappy stories and smile the whole time, recalling every wonderful thing that's happened because of the time we share together.
i sincerely hope it never has to end <3
