i used to look forward to going to be the beach every year with my family
we'd drive all the way up to maine just to camp near york's long sands
the crystalline water and jagged but somehow soft sand mixed with the sunrises and smells of fresh cinnamon rolls and cheap mcdonalds breakfasts as we would drive around the seaside town and walk up and down the shoreline.
truly i did used to love it, a lot.
it's hard to pinpoint when that changed really
with the anticipation of the beach date upcoming i want to reflect on it
i want to enjoy it and i want to have fun like i used to
we both deserve to have a day of childlike fun.
we need it.
so i sit here flipping through the clouded albums in my head,
every step i can remember skipping and bolting across the sand
watching the pipers peck and the crabs taunt
throwing jellyfish back and picking up garbage
it made my whole year.
there's only two things i can think of that would make me start fearing the blue maiden
one was when i was a kid- no older than nine or ten, max
my brother, the older of the two, had insisted that he wanted to wade out further and further
he wasn't a good swimmer and needed someone to be with him
i was elected for that role.
he kept going further, wanting to prove a point
i kept telling him,
no further
we have to go back.
but he would laugh as the tide swept him more in,
like a sailor to a siren's song.
i had to be with him, i was older
if something happened i had to be there.
i wasn't a strong swimmer but when we could barely see the beach anymore i tried to fight to bring us back
i've never had salt water engorge me the way it did that day
i had his arm interlocked with mine as i tried to drag us back
eventually we did make it back
i got scolded to hell and back for letting him get that far out
i'm only three years older than him. you do it next time.
i sat on the sand the rest of the day, i was scared to feel that powerless again
it's one of the few times in my life i genuinely felt out of control and overtaken
i can't feel like that again.
the second time i can think back too was a few years after that,
i was thirteen or fourteen i think at that point, maybe
i don't think i went past my hip into the water between these two events but.
this time was different.
my younger brother was finally old enough to go into the water "without supervision".
he was eight or nine at the time, it was around his birthday so it was a big deal
my sister, my older-younger brother and my mom left me, my dad, and my youngest brother at the beach while they went and walked the shops around the beach front town center
my dad was heavily medicated, so my mom told me i needed to keep a close eye on him and my brother.
again, i was thirteen.
so my dad wasn't really "with it", for lack of a better way to say it
and he promised my brother he could go out in the water by himself
which meant he wasn't going to take no for an answer.
i tried to keep an eye on both of them, truly i did.
i think my eyes would permanently be stuck going either way if i tried any harder
all i saw was him beeline for the water
i watched him go deeper
his ankles
his knees
his hip
his waist
and then he hesitated.
he looked around and saw me and i shook my head at him,
i knew what he was thinking.
his head darted from a family with another kid his age back to me
and he took off.
the waves were picking up and i was having a hard time trying to catch up to him
fighting the current to get there i ended up bumping into this group of college kids.
I don't want to talk about that.
they distracted me and i lost track of him
i searched and scanned,
the salt water filling my senses again like they had a few years prior.
i had to dig my hands and feet into the sand to kick myself against the waves towards the direction he was in last i saw him
then this massive wave starts forming
even without glasses i could see it cracking the horizon as the tide started dragging
my heart sunk.
i went faster than i think i've ever gone before to try and catch up to him,
yelling his name through gurgles of burning liquid
i can see him turn and look at me before watching the large wave pick up the kid he's playing with and sink his teeth into the back of my brother's head.
if the last speed was the fastest i thought i had ever gone than this broke that record,
i got over to him and he was crying, for obvious reasons.
there was so much blood,
"head wounds bleed like a stuck pig" as my mom would always say
i tried to keep my composure so he wouldn't freak out
i basically dragged him back to the shore to find my dad,
but i didn't even recognize where we were on the beach
nothing was familiar.
i ran with him and we eventually found my dad on the other side of the beach,
the tide had swept us out.
we had to wake him up and get him to call my mom to come and help us
he ended up needing stitches but he was okay in the end.
i think i've just never had an experience at a beach where i wasn't playing lifeguard,
even on the beach trip i go on annually i'm in charge of the two kids and am constantly watching them like a hawk.
maybe i won't be as stressed this time because i can actually relax with you
maybe i'll actually get to have a true beach day <3
