Suga was angry , angry at Teri, angry at Rm but mostly angry at himself.. he'd had an earful from Rm about being humble and not mistreating staff !! and he'd had to just take it... because with out divulging his relationship with Teri he'd had no come back ... he hadn't even bothered correcting Rm when he'd called Teri him...because the only way any one would know for sure that Teri was female is if they'd seen her naked .
The only thing he'd been able to do was lower his head and apologise, because after all Rm was their leader , he'd mumbled something about Teri just got on his nerves and then shut up ...and when he'd been told that Teri had left the country !! Talk about overkill. But again he hadn't been able to say anything ...what could he say? He was going to miss her ? Miss the sex ?.
He was angry at Teri too, even though he had no right to , angry because she'd left , angry because their argument had flowed out into a public area, angry because he now felt angry and guilty!
He knew though his anger at her was really directed at himself .. he should know better than any one that scars whether mental or physical had a lasting effect .. that's why they were called scars! . He should have found a way to broach the subject delicately, he shouldn't have touched her scar... he'd crossed the line, he'd gone back on an agreement he had made . He was the worst of the worst.
During the course of the day he had picked up his phone a dozen times to message her and apologise , but hadn't, he'd even found out, quite by accident, what plane she was leaving on and had had this random thought of going to the airport to stop her but then he'd actually laughed out loud at the madness of this .
He slept badly that first night with out her , and it showed the next day with the team. He was distracted and still so mad at himself, the sound check and run through for that nights performance had frustrated his brothers so much that even Jin had ended up saying something.
" It was bad enough with Rm being all depressed , but at least we understood it... whats wrong and then maybe we can help " He had said but Suga had just apologised. again.. .. he seemed to have said sorry more in the last 24 hours than he would normally in a month and he hated it ...Jimin had come and asked if he was okay too and again he had shrugged him off.... its not that he didnt want his brothers to help him, in fact in the past they had all one way or another been there to pull him up when depressions claws had gotten a hold of him... he didnt even know why he always kept his sexual encounters private... maybe because he was pretty sure he had been the first to lose his virginity , maybe because technically they were supposed to be pure , maybe he just liked the chase and the secrecy involved, adding to the thrill... but for what ever reason hed never told them and found he couldn't tell them about Teri either ...
By the end of the first show in this new town he was mentally and physically drained and crawled into bed , wondering if Teri was ok then mad at himself for wondering but not actually txting and asking... he knew he had to apologise but couldn't do that via txt , he also thought maybe the best thing he could do for her was stay away... she needed someone to nurture and protect her , yet all he wanted to do was fuck her.. he punched his pillow , and tossed and turned all night .
There really wasn't long left of the tour , when this city was over they had just 2 more weeks and then they would be done. The first week with out Teri, Suga had made a huge effort to let her go , telling himself that he wasn't the right person for her , but that didn't stop him aching for her every night, or stopping his heart beat faster everytime Rm mentioned her in passing.
The second week he had to admit , although just to himself he was depressed , oh he was a good actor when need be and he didn't think the others even noticed , they were all excited to be nearing the end of the tour and for Rose to have her baby. He was too, but alone in his room he just couldn't shake the feelings of darkness he had hoped he'd never see again.
He tried to write but words didn't flow , he tried to write music but the notes didn't make sense ...where as the others were looking forward to the tour being finished all he could think about was the nothing that waited for him upon their return. He was looking forward to being an uncle but could only concentrate on the trouble and scandal this would bring if found out, and then there was their military enlistment looming over his head like a hangman's noose.
He didn't really begrudge having to do military service, it was something him and his brothers were proud to do , but he worried more than the others about how it would effect their career , and if he lost his career he'd have nothing.
With millions of thoughts in his head and another city change in the morning, he gave up trying to sleep about 3 am and got up.
He sat at his desk and opened his browser , maybe Teri had social media , maybe if he saw her happy he could stop thinking about her and be happy for her . He didnt want to admit that there was a part of him that wondered what it would be like to have some one just for him permanently in his life , he didn't want to wonder how he would feel if he was the person making her smile , and he most certainly didn't want to admit that he missed her like crazy , and not just for sex, because if he admitted all of that then his life would change dramatically , and that was something that had never been in his plans , he was a musician , an idol for life , its all he had ever wanted , and he didn't want anything putting that future to risk.
He had always been shy and slightly embarrassed by the yoongie marry me proposals , but secretly that told him he was loved , if he became unavailable he would lose their love. Army's love was the single most important thing to him ...so he couldn't, shouldn't, and wouldn't fall in love ....' but ' said the small voice in his head ' you do miss her '
