Two Different Roads

One Too Many Women

November 1967-Ellen was lying on their plush, tan sofa late one evening, her head resting in her husband's lap as he gently stroked and petted her long hair when he broke the companionable silence with the question, "What do you think, Honey?"
She set aside the script he'd given her to read onto the oak coffee table. "It's funny; I like it, but a lot will depend on who they have playing the princess. She pretty much carries the episode."
"It was originally supposed to be some chick named Stella I think, but she dropped out. Some kind of schedule conflict I guess," he told her in a slightly odd tone of voice.
"Who'd they get to replace her?"
An extremely expectant and lengthy pause-"Me."
She looked at him skeptically. "No really, who's doing it?"
"I told you, me."
"You can't be serious."
"Well they needed somebody, and I just happened to say I thought it'd be even funnier if a guy played it. They agreed with me, and the next thing i knew they were saying they wanted ME to do it. They're sure THAT'LL be fucking hilarious. I have no idea really why I said yes."

"I must witness this."
"You're not saying you want to come to the set and watch the filming are you? I don't know how I feel about that."
"Get used to it Babe, cause there is no way in hell I'd miss seeing you in drag, and I can't wait until it airs on telly."
II
A couple of days later Ellen walked into the studio for one of the first times since she'd left her job as Bob's assistant. It felt like a family reunion of sorts, everyone telling her how missed she was and making a huge fuss over her very prominent baby belly. Micky in his typically exuberant fashion asked if he could touch it, and soon a few others wanted the opportunity as well, even Davy and her former boss.
"How do you do it, Ellen? You're the prettiest pregnant woman I've ever seen (not that I've seen many). It actually agrees with you. So what are you doing HERE instead of at home with your feet up letting Mike spoil you rotten."
"Are you kidding? I had to see what my husband looks like as a woman."
"Brace yourself."
She waited with great anticipation until at last a tall, lean figure walked onto the set in an ankle-length green and yellow dress, topped off with some very familiar brown boots.
Her eyes scanned upward to a long blonde wig and a conical yellow hat which added MORE height. He'd went all out. He was even wearing make-up. The funniest things of all though were the dark arm hair visible on his wrists and the decidedly masculine sideburns on the painted cheeks.

Ellen had to literally bite her lip to keep from breaking out into fits of laughter. If he played the part as well as he looked it, it would be one for the ages.
She saw him glance around warily as if looking for someone. His eyes rested on her at last and he walked over. "Well, what do you think?" He asked somewhat nervously.
"It's perfect," she answered, still holding back the urge to chuckle.
"I refuse to accept the fact that I'm actually doing this."
"It will be great Michael," she assured him, "so unexpected and funny."
"But do I really wanna look like a chick?"
She could contain herself no longer. She laughed heartily. "Baby, there is nothing even remotely feminine about you."
"What does that mean?" He asked as if unsure whether he should be offended or not.
"It means you're all man, a sexy man in my not so humble opinion, even in a dress."
"We're about to take a break. Wanna go on a trip down memory lane? I could sneak you to my dressing room and SHOW you how much of a man I am."
"Oh I think you've done a sufficient job of that all ready," she remarked, her hand lighting on her swollen stomach.

"I didn't think of that. Anybody makes any wise ass remarks I'll just point to my knocked up wife."
"Lennon isn't the only one who's a cheeky bastard."
"Look Babe, I've gotta go. Since you turned down the idea for a quickie, the guys want to run some lines during the break. Give me some sugar."
"And smudge your makeup?"
"Oh you're gonna get it at the first opportunity Missy."

III

By the end of the day, Ellen's sides actually hurt a bit from holding in laughter. Mike was brilliant. He brought the already amusing script to life and made it twice as funny in a way that just wouldnt have been possible with a woman in the role. The ridiculous, only slightly higher from his own, complete with Texas drawl, Princess Gwen voice he invented was no small part of that.

Occasionally he'd switch it up. Whenever Gwen got angry, she'd yell in Mike's voice. Ellen nearly lost it with one particular outburst: "Harold you'd better get this carriage out óf the mud!"

There were moments of self awareness and in-jokes as well. Mike's second role as a male was constantly exclaiming about what a 'groovy looking chick' Gwen was. At one point the actress playing a magic fairy actually described the princess as "the one who's always complaining, the selfish, conceited, overbearing one with the Texas accent."
It was the best episode they'd ever done, and Ellen was certain their fans would love it. Mike's initial reluctance finally seemed to disappear, and he looked like he was enjoying himself thoroughly.
Finally it was over. Back in his own clothes, face freshly scrubbed, her husband crept up to slip his arms around her waist, nuzzle her neck affectionately. "You wanna go get some dinner Honey?"
"Can we just do take out Michael? I'm knackered. Growing a small human is hard work."
"I'm sure it is. Whatever you say Baby. What is the lump craving tonight?"
"Pizza...with olives."
"Ewww..you definitely ARE pregnant."

IV
Nurit knew she'd probably catch hell from her lover for it later, but she hadn't been able to resist the urge to be on the set and sneak a look at the woman she now considered her competition. She'd wanted to observe Mike's wife and how the couple interacted with each other.
She attempted to remain as inconspicuous as possible in the hope he wouldn't notice her presence at all. Someone else definitely did though.
"What are you doing Nurit? Are you really that hung up?"
"I'm pretty sure I've fallen for him Peter."
"You do get how massively stupid that is, right? He's married with a baby due in just a few weeks."
"Well he can't actually be all that happy if he's with me."
"You don't have the slightest clue. He practically worships the ground Ellen walks on. I have no idea what all the other women are about. I'm not sure he does either. Lets just say that whatever is going on between you two will not end well, definitely not for YOU anyway. I'd call it quits before he does and keep what little dignity you have left.

Getting obsessed with a married man, especially a happily married man is always a phenomenally bad idea. Just sayin'. You're my friend, and i dont want you hurt. Ellen is my friend too, and i dont want her hurt either. And if she were to find out her husband is cheating while she's seven months pregnant it would be hell on her emotional AND physical health."

"I wouldn't want that. I can't help how I feel about Mike though, and if he has feelings for me too..."
"Has he ever said that he does?"
"Not exactly, but what about "Magnolia Simms?"
"The song? He wrote that for you?"
"He told me he did."
"Well I wouldn't take one song as definite proof if I were you. I still say get out now before this all blows up somehow."

V
By the end of that day on set, Nurit was definitely considering ending it. She'd been aware on some level that Mike's wife was attractive, but she had in no way been prepared for how downright beautiful Ellen Nesmith was. Even being heavily pregnant couldn't diminish it. If anything, she exemplified that special 'glow' women were supposed to have when they were pregnant. She was practically ethereal!
And Peter hadn't been exaggerating in the slightest. Watching the two of them together, how they looked at each other... Mike had certainly never looked at HER with such naked adoration, and his wife seemed to return it.

Then there was the banter, the good natured teasing between them, the momentary flicker of blatant lust she'd seen Mike direct at Ellen, the way they left together arms lovingly wound around each other's waists. She'd been delusional.

Mike had tried to tell her honestly, bluntly, how it was, and she hadn't wanted to listen, had refused to believe it. But even now with the truth staring her in the face she wasn't sure she could actually let him go. For the first time in her life she seemed to have unexpectedly fallen and fallen hard. He was brilliant, extremely funny, sexy, and just about the best in bed of anyone she'd been with. God help her, she wanted him. She was out of her league though. How could she hope to compete with Ellen Nesmith, and was she a fool to even try?

This comes from my daughter wanting me to write about "Fairy Tale", arguably the best Monkees episode. It was Mike's personal favorite.