mafias obsession(1st book in mafia obsession series)

chapter 12: suicidal intentions

!Trigger warning!: Attempted suicide and self harm mentions

I couldn't do it anymore. The breaths I took, I wasn't worth it. The blood that ran through my body, I wasn't worth it. The life I had currently, I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth anything. All I did was take up extra space. Everyone would be much better without me.

It wasn't just the guilt of the whole situation between Lye and Creed running through my mind but everything else too.

If it was just that moment then i would have been able to handle it but it was the fact that it was everything. It was like the bottle cap had finally come undone and every emotion, every thought, every intention had all come out in a tangled mess.

The guilt of wanting more than i already had. The thoughts of how almost everyone i knew was disappointed in me. The feelings of having to run away so many times. The feeling of no longer having a family to support me. The loss of the person i once thought was my soulmate.

One cut. Two cuts. Three.

The regret of not fighting hard enough for my brother. For not telling my Nana everything i wanted to. The unjust feeling of my abusers just getting away with what they did to me.

Another cut. And another. And another. And another.

The fact that i had to change everything about the future and myself. That i didn't know who was truly there for me and who wasn't. The thoughts that those who harmed me were right.

One more cut. Just another it would be ok. Another. Deeper.

I was worthless. Pathetic. Useless. Weak.

Deeper and deeper and deeper.

I didn't deserve to live. I didn't deserve to have something so precious like a life. I didn't deserve those that made it slightly better. I didn't deserve any of it.

Did i even know who i was? I knew i wasn't who i wanted to be, but who even was i?

Was i the little girl who was afraid of every man that walked by her?

Was i the girl who was terrified of her parents?

Was i the girl who was bullied continuously for one reason or another?

Or was i the person who stood up to people?

Who fell in love with people that the law would tell them they shouldn't have?

Was i the person who found family in a dangerous group?

Who would do anything for a group of people they barely knew?

Who was i and who wasn't i?

It was all a mystery and that was the worst thing out of it all. I didn't know who i was. What i wanted. Who i wanted. What i needed. It was all a blur. The things i should know were all just a big question mark.

I saw the blood on the floor and my wrists, and a small laugh of insanity escaped through my tears. At least I was good at one thing. There was one thing I'd always be good at.

That thing was destroying myself. I would destroy myself more and more. I wasn't worth a happy ending so I would give myself the painful one I deserved. The one where my arms and wrists would sting so much that not even the biggest masochist would be jealous of me.

I may not be worth anything. I may not be the person people desired. I may not even be the person that was the last thing on someone's mind. But at least I wasn't naive.

I may not know who I truly am but I know whoever that person is, is one of if not the most worthless people to exist.

I was pathetic to think that anyone would care, no one would. Who knows maybe the moment my body finally drops i'll be able to make someone smile.

I look at my veins with a small smile and bring the blade of the knife closer and closer before eventually it's touching my skin again. One more cut and it'll all be over.

Before I'm able to make the slit I feel someone grab the knife from me, instantly making me look up.

Who was in here? I locked the door didn't I? How long were they here for?

I looked to where the door was and saw it was kicked in with clear effort of someone trying to get in.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Who had I accidentally allowed to see me like this?  No one was supposed to see me in a state like this.

I felt even more pathetic and worthless knowing that I couldn't even keep this a secret.

The person turned my face towards their's. "why..?" They sounded so afraid. But why? Because they were scared of seeing someone try to end their life or did someone actually want me alive?

I must be kidding myself. Thinking even for a moment that someone actually cared if I left this dreadful planet, was one of the fakest thoughts that had ever came across my mind.

For a second I ignore the person sat next to me and grabbed the knife back. But then I realised no matter how hard I try I could never ignore them, and the realisation of everything settles in.

"i can't do it anymore" I cry, the tears streaming down my face and the blade to my wrist, ready to take my life and end the torture.

"don't you dare do anything. Bite me, scratch me, beat me 'till i'm black and blue, fucking shoot me if you have to, but don't you dare take the most important thing in the world to me" he tells me, his voice commanding yet soft and gentle. I instantly drop the blade and break down in his arms, knowing if I didn't have them my body would be on the floor bleeding out.

He had saved my life again. By the amount of times he had saved my life I'm sure at this point it would count as a world record.

I don't know why but every time he appeared and made me seem like I was actually worth something to him, the need to commit dissolved and all that was left was the guilt and desperate need for him to hold me.

"I fucking love you. And I don't care how much I have to tell you or how many times I have to prove it. You mean the world to me and I can't lose you. Eventually you'll realise that mi amore.." He told me as he held me to him.

Lye was truly my everything and that included being my saviour in all the ways that existed.