mafias obsession(1st book in mafia obsession series)

chapter 35: under water

!Trigger Warning!: This chapter mentions drowning and child abuse

I was perfectly fine when I saw it before. So why now that It was mentioned was I not? Why was I back in that place that I didn't want to be?

It was another hot day and we were outside in the garden, having lunch and having normal conversations. We were having potato salad, which is a recipe my mum used to always make when the days were hot. She used to have her family make it for her so enjoyed making it for us.

I could feel the sun on my skin and it felt like just the right temperature, it was sunny but there was a light breeze so we wouldn't feel overly hot.

"so we were thinking about going to the beach in the summer holidays?" Blade suggested. Why couldn't i breathe. The breath i was taking just a moment ago had disappeared and it felt like no air could get into my lungs. I simply couldn't breathe.

"It sounds really fun"

"we could invite some friends and have a party"

"it sounds perfect for photos"

Their voices were getting quieter, i knew what was happening but i didn't want to believe it. Not again. Please not again..

Drowning. Screaming. Loss of air. There was no one there to help. No matter how loud I screamed no one could hear me.

I felt so lonely and so afraid. I needed to take another breath. I needed to breathe for them.

No matter how much i needed to i couldn't. I was trying to fight back, i was trying to make it stop but i couldn't.

No matter how hard i tried it was stronger than me. It was consuming me. I tried to fight back but it was useless.

I needed to survive. I needed to find a way to survive. I couldn't give in. I couldn't give up. Survival. That was the only thing on my mind.

i felt the chills run through my body. It was so cold. The water was so cold.

I tried grasping onto something anything, but my hands kept being put back into the freezing water.

It felt as cold as ice. i needed to get out. No one was coming to save me i knew that much. It was up to me. No matter how much stronger than me it was i had to fight back.

I wouldn't go down without a fight. My tears were mixing with the water, my eyes were burning. I could see the faint figure of her above me, her smile as she could no longer hear my screams.

She said she loved me but how was this love? She said she cared but it didn't feel like it.

My thoughts were cruel and wrong. At least that's what they would say. They would say i needed to be cleansed from my evil thoughts. Thinking of family like this was evil and wrong. You were supposed to love family not feel hatred towards them.

What they refused to listen to was i did love them, i loved them more than anything. I knew you were supposed to love family and i did. Just my love was different to how theirs was. My love wasn't just sometimes. My love wasn't just when people around or when they were good enough. My love for them was always there.

I loved them even when they hurt me. I loved them even when they yelled. I loved them when they ignored my existence. I loved them when they left me on the ground bleeding.

I loved them always. I always would. When you truly loved someone that love never left, that love could put you through so much but it would never leave. True love hurt. It hurt more than anything else in the world.

It hurt more than the aching pain in your ears when you were yelled at. It hurt more than the stings of being stabbed. It hurt more than losing every single part of you. It hurt more than never being safe.

Love that wasn't always shown back hurt even more. Especially when you knew they physically couldn't always show you love back. When you were told over and over that they did love you but couldn't always show it because they had been through similar things they were putting you through.

Love felt like you were being wrapped in a warm blanket at the same time as being stabbed in the back over and over. It felt like there was an invisible string between you and the person you loved that couldn't be cut. It didn't matter if that string would be ugly and dark, it was always there.

Love never was simple happiness, whoever said it was were liars. Love wasn't like the fairy tales, life wasn't a fairy tale. Love in reality was the sort of thing that made me wonder why everyone was so fascinated and obsessed with it. Love was a drug, it got people addicted and killed them in the process.

Love was terrifying so i never got why people romanticised it so much. Sure it had it's positives, but didn't everything? Nothing was ever black and white. There was always the perfect positives and the gut-wrenching negatives.

Nothing was ever simple. That's what made life such an interesting thing.

I felt a pair of arms pull me up from the water and pull me to their chest. "I'm sorry baby" it was always the same words. She was always sorry.. it was like she didn't know what she was doing and when she finally figured out it hurt her more than it hurt me. That's why i always knew I had to forgive her no matter what. She was still my birth giver and mother no matter what had happened. That's what I kept telling myself at least. That she did love me, even if it was different to how I loved her.

She loved me, she just didn't know how to love me.

"Thoughts Allia?" I was brought back to reality. I was supposed to give an answer as to what I thought about going to the beach, but all I could muster was "mm..I guess we'll just have to see how the summer goes"

The thoughts of my mother lurking in the back of my mind.