mafias obsession(1st book in mafia obsession series)

chapter 26: Too much

It was happening again. It hadn't happened in so long. Why did it have to happen now? It made me want to smash my head into a wall to stop it.

I kept hearing the old voices, seeing the old images and feeling like i had no way of escape. I hadn't been stuck in something like this for ages but now i was and i felt paralyzed.

Someone help me please.

I was that little girl, the one begging for anyone to save her from what should have been her safety but what was really her torture.

I was stuck in that attic, in those rooms, in the places I feared most. I was banging on the doors, begging to be let out. Promising I'd behave or do better. I never knew If I'd be able to keep those promises, however what I did know was I just wanted out and I would do anything for it.

I knew in a couple of days I would have to pretend like none of this had happened, like my home was perfectly fine and I hadn't been through things I knew no one at my school did.

They had the perfect routine set out, be abused, be punished for not acting well during the abuse, be let out and threatened, pretend like none of it happened.

I had to give it to them that they were smart about it, too smart about it.

I swear I could feel someone grab my shoulders and shake me but I may have just been imagining it.

I could still feel the coldness of the rooms and hear the silence. Usually silence was peaceful to me, it meant not having to hear others shout at eachother but this sort of silence was deathening. This sort of silence hurt. I needed to hear a voice, even if it was just one. I needed to know that I was still alive, even if it was just barely.

I felt the pain of the hits against me, it was funny thinking about it, I was used as a weapon yet I had weapons used on me too. There was no way of peace, either way there was pain whether it was inflicted on me or I was inflicting it on others.

What even was peace?

The short seconds of happiness I ever got was in between being bullied or in between the moments of abuse. So peace never was truly there. The most I even knew about it was from my friends telling me how their life was.

I felt the tight grip on my wrists as I was being rocked back and forth. How could someone so soft and fun be the same person who took away one of my most important things to me?

I heard the tv in the background with Noddy on as I was sat next to my hero, she was knitting like she always did and she was smiling softly at the small glances she gave to the tv.

She loved noddy, she would say it was her favourite programme. She loved that programme and she loved the little mermaid as a movie. She loved many things, and I knew one of those things was me.

I was brought to the moment where I held my son close to me, watching hello kitty on the player for the 100th time this week. It was my favourite thing to watch as I held my son, playing with his fingers and watching over him protectively. I would never let anyone hurt him, ever.

I was brought to the moment of watching the helicopter fly by as we were all in the garden having ice pops and music being on.

I was brought to the moment where we were watching the snow out of the window hit the ground, such a sweet and innocent thing for such an unwholesome childhood.

I felt the collar on my neck, it being so tight I could hardly breathe and the coldness of the floor against my bare skin. I swear I had behaved for father this time.. what did I do wrong this time?

I heard my screams, screaming so loud until my throat ran too dry to even utter a single sound. Why did no one come to help me? Why was I always alone? Did I truly deserve this?

I waited for someone to show. I waited and waited. I thought that if a fairy didn't show then maybe a kind monster or even a person would. But no one ever did. No one ever showed.

The only moment someone truly did show was to take me from one harmful home to another, it was always like that. There was no freedom, just moving from one place to another place to another.

Maybe this truly was God's plan. To make me feel so much pain. At least it was me feeling it and not my brother. That was a positive right?

I continued to hear the voices, the ones I didn't want to. The ones that scared me so much. It felt like deathly silence was better than them.

Pathetic. Worthless. Useless. Whore. Bad puppy.

Which were simply thoughts and which were people? It was so hard to tell because they all sounded the same. They all sounded like evil monsters hiding in the shadows only to jump out at you when you least expected it.

"Allia?" Who was the voice coming from this time. My father? My grandfather? My mother? Maybe even my nana?

As I saw who the voice was coming from I realised that the flashbacks had eventually stopped. And the person the voice came from both gave me disappointment and happiness. They were a safe person, but they could never give the same safety as she did.

I was finally free of feeling paralyzed. But which was better my cruel mind? Or the villainous world? I couldn't tell because neither was good.

I needed to be somewhere I could breathe and be calmer and there was only one place that was.