𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐄 ~ | 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘓𝘦𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘳𝘤

XX

Chapter Twenty: 

~ I'm trying, I swear ~

TW: physical abuse, panic attack

He still didn't know.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him more than I already had. And the truth was, I wasn't entirely sure what had happened between us that day. One moment we were arguing, the next... we weren't.

The memory of his lips on mine played on repeat in my mind, taunting me, teasing me. I knew I should feel guilty, but all I could think about was the way he had looked at me, like I was the only person in the world who mattered. The way he had touched me, as if he was trying to memorize every inch of my skin.

What am I saying? Of course I felt guilty. I had cheated on him, even if it had only been for a moment.

I may have ruined my chances of a happy ever after.

The days that followed were a blur of guilt and confusion. I avoided being alone with him, even though it was impossible to avoid him entirely. We were still engaged, after all.

Sometimes thought that if I just came clean then he would forgive me. But I wouldn't know what to say.

"Hey, Matteo, you know that really hot guy that you've been super jealous of for the past few weeks? Yeah, the one I promised I hated. We made out."

Other times I thought I could just try forget about it, bury it like all my other problems. But a part of me knew that I would never be able to forget. The memory of that kiss, the feel of his skin against mine, was burned into my mind, and no amount of pretending would ever change that.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him, but I didn't want to keep lying to him either. I knew that eventually, the truth would come out, and when it did... I didn't know if he would ever forgive me. He wasn't the forgiving type.

Something gave me the feeling that he already suspected me. He had been acting strange, avoiding me, looking at me with those sad, accusatory eyes. But this weekend, he had decided to come along to the race with me.

He never really like coming to them and only gave in when I asked him repeatedly. I was afraid he was just coming along to keep an eye on me. I didn't know what to expect.

Thea was also here, but she was here only to spend time with me. She felt bad that we had barely seen each other over the break and said she was going to make it up to me. Sadly, she had also invited Mom. And of course, she couldn't stand to be away from her 'love' so Ethan was here too.

So much fun.

"Fucking hell," I muttered to myself as I pulled the half-smoking car over onto the gravel.

I wasn't sure who had hit me, but when I found out there was going to be a crime scene. I felt like shit as I waited for my anger to calm.

Out on the very last fucking lap.

I was so close.

So close to getting a podium. It wasn't fair. I had fought so hard for so many laps for my place and now it was ripped away from me by one clumsy slip of the wheel.

I gave a thumbs up to the marshals who were hurrying towards my car. I pulled out the steering wheel so that I could climb out and stretch my legs. The familiar smell of burnt rubber and gasoline filled my nostrils, mixing with the bitter tang of frustration and anger. I winced as I took my first steps away from the car, my back and shoulders already sore from being hunched over the wheel for so long.