Ich und meine Gedanken

One minute

I hold the glass in my hand
A tiny alcohol shot bottle with a singular ammunition in it.
My rifle just 20cm underneath me, ready to use
My thoughts already thinking about the silence that is potentially close.

Its only one minute and everything would be gone.
No more rejection
No more jealously
No more bieng a burden
No more bieng a husband
No more bieng around

When i am gone i can't bother anyone anymore
My partner can focus on their new boyfriend
My partner would be sad for a while
My friends probably would be sad for a while
But i believe that will pass
Life will go on
Just without me

Reject life one last time and be welcomed by whatever comes after.

This are my thoughts while holding the tiny bottle

My partner hears the clattering of the ammunition in my hand
They are asking what i am doing
Silence

They wrap their arms around me to figure out what i hold in my hands
And they realise its is my emergency shot

They steal it out of my hand and push me down to the bed. Talking to me, how important i am. I hear the words, but my heart is behind a brick wall.
They still want me here
They took away the tiny bottle and hid it from me with the words, "i will never give this back."

I am just letting my tears run down
They tell me, i should stop holding my wishes back. I should finally speak my wants and let them handle their own boundaries. I am afraid, they will be rejected.

Now its is the next morning.
I feel numb.
I want to try what they asked of me last night.
But i am afraid it will make thinga worse.