Uncontrollable Heart Book 2 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Free Will

I no longer wish for free will, it's to much to bear. I've gotten better yes, because I no longer want to die, but the thought of wanting to see the other side is still fresh. I wish to follow orders more than making my own because I know nothing. If you think about it we truly know nothing, the fact that we think we know something is just us having delusions. I'm too tired, I just wish someone could reset my brain take away my free will and tell me how to live. I've been told all my life, I'm a mistake a burden and a bad child and that all I do is fuck up. If I fuck up and I'm so bad why don't you take away my free will I promise I'll be happier. God gave us free will he also gave some of his angels free will so if you think about it some of us are descendents of angels. And if I happen to be one then yes as the little boy once said. " The ones who wear scars on their wrists are just angels who are being hurt by the world and they try to take it away and go back home to god." I wanna do that I wanna go back to where ever it is I came from. If I could restart and go back to when I was born I'd wish to have the adult brain and soul I have now just in the body of a baby. But then I'd still have free will and life sucks, life is unfair yes I get that. But I'm not trying to make life fair either I just no longer wish to have to think on my own or do things on my own because it's to much. I sometimes wish therapist could reset my brain take away my free will, cuz I've been in a situation with no free will and it was easier to live in that reality. I just have always had such thoughts, I truly deep down feel like it's easier and better for me to follow orders then make my own. No I don't believe I'm depressed right now but god knows everyone would reads this wll think so. And if no one wishes to believe that I'm not depressed I'm just TOO TIRED MENTALLY, then so be it. Because while being depressed, while on medication and off medication and in all these different hospitals and getting help. I've realized being TIRED and DEPRESSED are two different things and humans either refuse to believe that or can't accept that.