Uncontrollable Heart Book 2 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Things I Should Never Forget About Myself

July 6th  7:39pm

I live by these few days, never give up, treat others how you wanna be treated, and live life being straight forward with everyone even if you hate them or are madly in love with them.

Sayings not days

And I just wanna be straight with you because it helps me be straight with myself on how I'm feeling ya know

So I want you to be straight with me no matter what and if me being straight with you sometimes sucks or hurts let me know and I'll find a better way about going about how I say things or how I mean it ya know

Because I'm having some serious issues, I'm a very genuine person and I genuinely thought I was friends with those two and I did kinda like lane but I don't necessarily hate them but I'm hurt by how things turned out and hurt to find out that they just used me but I won't let that stop me being a nice and genuine person I will not be broken because I've already fallen and finally built myself back up I will not fall again ever. And now that I'm back home I have to deal with my narcissistic ex, my lying, manipulating and asshole parents, my shitty siblings who tell me to die whenever they don't like me or are having a bad day and now I'm having mixed feelings about a guy back here at home cuz I told his friend which is also my friend that I have a crush on him and now since I told this mutual friend we both have neither of them have talked to me but to be fair there both dealing with a lot in the lives as well almost as much as me if not worse but they used to talk whenever they weren't busy but now there not talking to me at all and to stop myself from overthinking and potentially hurting myself from it I've decided to shut my emotions off and feel nothing, I'm even gaslighting myself into believing that I don't have a crush on said person so I don't overthink and end up thinking our mutual friend told him and now he's avoiding me. So I'm done with rich I'm over lane and all but now I have problems all over again here and I'm sticking by the saying, never give up, but I'm getting tired and I can't keep my emotions shoved in a bottle forever I feel like I'm gonna explode soon and I know I wrote to much so I'm sorry.

But there still good works of my experiences and thoughts during my life

I'm not great at expressing myself most of the time but I try to be genuine and honest when I do but sometimes it's hard to find the right words and all

But yeah I choose to trust you simply because I have a good feeling about you

And I know I don't really care much about lane or rich anymore it's just I don't want no bad blood between us I just wanna cut them out with a clean cut ya know. And I know people come and go it's just hard I've been looking for friends because I have almost everything I want in life now all I need in life anymore is money so I can live a good life, friends so I wont be lonely and kids so I can keep making the world better even if I'm gone ya know those are the only things I truly want in life anymore I have everything else I need right here right now I'm healing and healing isn't meant to be quick and sometimes it never ends and I'm happy right now and I love myself just the way I am and I love the world and the people in it I could never hate anyone but I can dislike them and all and I'm sad yes but I'll be fine with time and because I know I'll be fine and I have a good feeling about life so I'm calm and excited for the future ahead of me cuz I'll make it the best one I could ever have so I don't have any true goals I don't have much I want from this life that I don't already have and I'm happy and content with what I have right now and I know I'll get more things in the future but that's for when the future comes not for right now and I can wait

The only thing that might ever hold me back in life is the fact that I still sometimes compare myself to others or the fact that I wanna help everyone even though I know I can't or the fact that I want to be better maybe even perfect but the main fact that stands is that I'm not perfect, I'm my own person and don't need to be anyone else and I don't need to help everyone especially since they don't even want my help and I know I'll never be perfect because perfect doesn't exist. But I'm happy and I can get over those things if I really try and I will keep trying even when I can't no more I'll try again another way.