Uncontrollable Heart Book 2 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Afraid Of Who I Could Be

I'm afraid of who I could be. I know I get to choose who I am and I can change and choose who I will be, but I've seen the world. I've seen the horrible side of others, the greed, the jealousy, the pride, the contempt, the lust and the hatred others have and hold and use against each other. I'm afraid of who I could be because I'm not trying to say I'm perfect or that I want to be because I don't and I know I can't be but I can be just like those other people. I don't want to be like them and even though I don't follow through with these horrid thoughts I have I still have the thoughts of doing what they do and wanting what they want. I know as long as I don't act on it then it's fine and you'll probably say it's fine but I'm afraid of who I could be because I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I am weak, I am selfish, I am horrible, I'm a monster as they'd say and i am just such a coward and a very bad person plus I used to do horrible things, I mean out of the sins that God has told us I've stolen before and I've lied. I don't deserve anything, I mean I know he's forgiven me, he trusts me, he accepts me, he loves me and probably even adores me but I sometimes do still steal and it's only things like food but no matter, it's wrong and I don't lie unless it's holding back the truth even though I need help. I'm afraid of all the what ifs because those what ifs could lead to the person I could be and I'm scared and afraid of that happening. I know I think too much and I overthink that for sure, I even worry about things I shouldn't worry about but I can't help it. I know what I most worry about are things that may never come to be and that's stupid of me but I worry about these things because it's all I can do to stay in reality and try my best to stay rooted to this earth. I broke up with my first and probably last boyfriend because first, we were both toxic and it was wrong to lie to each other and ourselves that we were in love. I also left him not because he had nothing but simply because of what we did have, it wasn't enough for him. But now he has everything all because he got lucky and had a good father who left him a lot, and I'm glad for him truly I am but I'm scared of who I might have become because he always talked of spoiling me and with what he now has I'm scared I would have turned into someone horrible. I also couldn't go back because he hurt me more than anyone and I was scared that I'd rely on him to much and knowing him he'd spoil me then complain I'm to spoiled so I couldn't do that either. I can't help but worry about these things because I have so much inside and not to sound conceited, not that I'd know if I was or not, I think outside the box to much and I see more than I feel I should and I know I said I wanted to have knowledge but not just have it I should have said I wanted to understand it too. Not that I think I could because not for lack of trying but some of the knowledge I have, I have no idea how I have it, plus I don't understand it most of the time.