What is Love?

34.

It's bitta sweet we havin this talk now. I'm nervous as fuck. Ion need ha short ass beatin my ass if this shit go left.

The closa we got ta ha office, the mo I wanted ta run the otha way. If I didn't wanna see my daughter on a regular I'll be like fuck this conversation. Ain't no tellin how Rel gon react, and then we goin ta ha office in the back, can't nobody hea my screams from back hea.

As soon as we got in ha office, I silently prayed that I make it outta hea the same way I came in.

"Sit down, get comfortable." Rel said befoe walkin behind ha desk.

I sat my ass on the couch by the doe. Give me plenty of time ta run outta hea in case this angry bird try ta kill me.

"Why you all the way over there?" She giggled and looked at me funny.

"You said get comfortable, and this couch look a lil mo comfortable than the chair."

She got up and sat in the chair in front ha desk. That cut my time ta run in half, but I should still be able ta make it outta hea if she start chargin towards me.

"If you say so." She adjusted ha seat, and then went in ta deep thought, I guess tryna figure out how ta start this lil talk.

"So... You wanted ta talk?" I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants.

"Yeah...um.." she cleared ha throat. "Why did you say what you said?" Erybody ask me that and the answer I give must be the wrong one cause I get hit every time I say it.

I took some time ta get my answer straight.

"Ok. Honestly, ion really know. I had a price on my head, and I ain't wanna bring a baby in ta that situation, I kinda panicked and took the heartless lil boy way out. I knew you wasn't gon get rid of the baby, but I ain't think you was gon really leave me like that, I thought you would've came back and cussed my ass out and made me be a dad at least. I told you that if you left not ta ask me fa shit because I ain't want nobody ta come lookin fa you and the baby. My intentions were good, but my actions was horrible. I know sorry ain't gon cut it, but I truly and deeply apologize fa that bullshit." She had tears in ha eyes and that hurt me, I always hate seein ha cry.

"Ok... So, why ignore me for the year I tried to reach out?" Ha voice was crackin

"Since you really did leave and shit, I felt like you ain't need need me and that you gave up on me. I was bein childish as fuck. That, and I ain't want you back in NOLA, Mani didn't and don't need ta be round that, so I ain't want y'all ta be associated wit me, just in case some shit was ta pop off. We know niggas like ta target families and shit."

"It wasn't even about us coming back, that shit wasn't happening. I just wanted you to be there for her. She doesn't deserve to grow up without a father, and you should know better than anybody how that shit feel. Yeah, you're here now, but that doesn't make up for the 5 years you weren't there."

My eyes started watering too. "I know, ma. One day I wanted ta reach out, but I was honestly scared out my fuckin mind ta do it. I dialed ya number, but it had been changed. I wanted ta have this conversation a long time ago."

She shook ha head. "I gave you a year, plus 9 months to reach out. If you would've stopped being so fucking heartless towards me, we wouldn't be in this situation. That shit hurt me deep, but not as much as it hurt me when Mani didn't speak to me because you weren't around. She accepted you with open arms because she's been dying to have you around. That was something I just couldn't give her, so yeah, I spoil her, I'll do anything to see her smile genuinely. The look on her face she had any time I told her no, we couldn't come see you, used to break my fucking heart. I had to use the fact that my own mother wasn't around anymore to show that not everybody has both of their parents. That's not something I wanted to explain to a then 4 year old." At this point we were both crying, but I didn't know what to say.