burning bibles ; phan [COMPLETED]

♡ butterscotch rum ♡

tw: sexual acts

dan

ms. holly's suicide made the front page of the newspaper. i was sick to my stomach when i saw it. i wrote her a letter telling her to repent her sins, telling her to sacrifice herself. but i didnt think she'd slit her wrist in her bathtub and bleed out. i thought maybe she'd quit her job at the school and move to another state. but she didn't. she died. and i felt responsible.

i saw the newspaper on the kitchen counter a few days after the new years party. school was starting in two days and i was trying to ignore the fact phil would be gone tomorrow. tomorrow james was picking him up. and didn't know when i'd see him again.

but now, the thought a blood filled bathtub flooded my brain. and ms. holly's cold dead body floating in it. her blood was on my hands. i almost passed out reading the article because it all hit me that she had to of gotten my letter, it had to be the thing that drove her over the edge. mom walked in when i was reading. she startled me and i jumped. i ignore her asking me if i was okay and left the house abruptly. i just needed a break. i needed to figure out if it was me that really drove her to cut her arms open. was it my letter that did it? because if it was, then i killed someone.

•

i got drunk. and phil didn't know yet. not until he came home.

he went to spend time with chris before he was going to leave and i was left alone with my thoughts. my dark thoughts.

i ended up going to joe sugg's house, which felt so odd. i knocked on the door and zoe answered. i asked if joe was around and eventually he came out. we sat on his front porch smoking cigarettes and going over a plan to ruin matty healy's life. i wanted to do it after phil was gone so he didn't have see that side of me, even though he already had. i didn't want to be that dan howell anymore, the one who beats people up. i just want phil to safe.

joe brought into the house saying he had something to give me. i was nervous until he pulled a bottle from his parents liquor cabinet. he handed it to me.

"what's this for?" i asked and read the label. the bottle was filled with a caramel colored liquor and read butterscotch rum on the label.

"this is just a gift, my white flag you could say," joe shrugged and then sighed deeply, "i don't want to fight with you anymore dan. i'm done, the war is over."

i couldn't help but smile at joe, he was always on my list of people i hated. but it was only because he hated himself, and all he could do was take that anger out on everyone else.

"i lost myself for so long and zoe is helping me become a better person. i don't understand why people are...gay," joe continued talking, barley looking at me, "but i'm sorry for how i treated phil. it was wrong of me. i won't stand for matty trying to touch him though, trying to fuck with his head."

"matty tried to touch him again?" i asked. i was fuming but kept it under control. i knew i'd get my revenge on him soon.

"zoe said she saw it, i would never do that," joe said shaking his head in disbelief.

"wow, i can't wait to get my hands on that asshole," i replied back and joe nodded in agreement.

"so, just take the liquor. i'm trying to make peace," joe said.