Moonsland (EN)

James (XXII)

  It's been almost a month since I joined the theater. If I wasn't paying attention in class before, I'm paying even less attention now that I'm looking at the script. As I said to Emily, when we talk about the mountain, I become obsessed with things and the theater is no different. I spend all day thinking about it and spent the first few nights purely memorizing the text. I can only imagine doing the scenes over and over again. I think of ways to improve the performance and my brain keeps discovering new mistakes I'm making and poisoning me with ideas like I'm not good enough for this. I think about what the last scenes will be like, because we won't be practicing those until after camp. I think about how my parents will react to seeing the play if, in fact, they go to see it. Even going to this camp is difficult for me. I don't know who's going or how many are going. I don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to do it and not knowing all this gives me anxiety and anxiety, as far as I can tell, kills.
  I put the last few items of clothing in the third sports storage bag and put the bags outside my room. I walk around the room to check that the window is open for airing and that my desk is tidy. I go up to the second floor and see that the books are all tidy. I go to the bathroom and, once again, I see that all my perfumes are organized, with only the two I'm taking missing. I take my toiletries, but I feel like something is missing. Think, think, think. I go around the room again, everything is tidy. I open the bags again and check that I have everything: two warm sleeping sets, warm clothes for the day, cold clothes for the night, a bathing suit in case we go to the big lake in the forest, which is the most likely place, according to my calculations, slightly more formal clothes, because you never know when you'll need them, all kinds of socks, boxers, all the toiletries and shoes... the sneakers are missing. I take another bag and add sneakers and shoes, and just as I'm about to close the bag, Andrei, the porter, appears.
- Good morning, James. Are you ready? - ask me.
- Good morning, I think so.
- So, I'm taking your bags downstairs.
- Thank you, Andrei.
  Before I leave, I say goodbye to Betty, who promises to take care of my things. My parents have already left, so I say goodbye to them. I go down in the elevator and Andrei is already in my car. He's going to drive me, so my car won't be at the school during the days I'm away. I could drive, though, but I feel too nervous to do that.

  I arrive at the school and before Andrei has parked, I can already see three vans and some familiar faces. Some I like, others not so much. In the first van are some teachers, in the second I see someone I've never seen before and the boy who entered the room at Amy's party and went to tell Emily. Finally, in the last van, Richard and Jennifer are packing up with the help of what I think are Jennifer's parents, because of the comfort she shows with them.
- James! - calls the couple in chorus as I get out of the car. I wave and walk over to them, having picked up two suitcases. As I approach and introduce Andrei, I see the look of admiration on the faces of Jennifer's supposed parents. I greet the men with a handshake and the women with a brief hug.
- Seventeen in the morning, text me to be here when you arrive. - Andrei tells me, as he takes the bags, I have in one hand and puts them in the trunk of the van.
- Of course, thank you Andrei. See you on Thursday!
- See you Thursday, boss.
- So, who else is coming? - I ask, to break the silence that has arisen.
- In our van are Emily, Lis and Ron, in the second van are six other students who don't even know if they're going camping in the same area as us and in the first van are the performing arts teacher, the school principal and five others who we haven't figured out who they are yet. - communicates Jennifer.
- Hello, little one! - shouts a voice from a car parked next to the van. Lis and Ron get out and hold hands behind the car to meet us. They greet everyone and the parents of one of them start talking to Jennifer's parents.
- Will Emily still be long? - I ask.
- She was coming after us. - says, looking at the people who introduced themselves as her parents. - Don't worry, she'll be here any minute. I nod.
  Emily arrives not five minutes later with her parents. Her brother must have stayed at home since today is a national holiday, which is why we're only in the school parking lot.
- Good morning! - says hello to Emily when she arrives at our table, arranged in a half-moon shape. She starts saying hello from left to right, starting with her parents, her friends and me. When she finishes hugging Lis, who is standing next to me, she lets out a little squeal:
- James was missing me.
- Really? - he asks, turning to me. - Good morning. - she says, touching her nose to mine with her hands on my cheeks.
- Good morning. - I replied, smiling and sliding my hand around his waist.
- Hello, James. - Emily's father greets me, in a deeper voice than usual.
- Ah, hello... Mr. Castle. - I say a little awkwardly, moving a little away from Emily and accepting the handshake.

  Over the last few weeks, Emily and I have been talking a lot. We've started spending more time together, because of the theater, but we haven't kissed again... we haven't even talked about the kiss. I think we've both been too busy. Maybe an opportunity will come up at camp. Let's wait and see...
  It's been almost two months since I first noticed her and, most likely, her me. Forty-two days to be precise. It's been almost eighteen years that I've lived without her. For as long as I can remember, I've tried to please my parents, going to various events with them against my will, all because they wanted to maintain their status as the perfect, happy family. I met a few girls. Some of them I was forced to by my parents, others I was influenced by... a few I met by chance, but I never had a relationship with any of them. None of them appealed to me, even though I kept in touch with some of them for years. I thought that loving someone was too complicated and that, inevitably, a relationship would develop under the same conditions as my parents seemed to. All these years with these ideas, many hours reading and studying about passion and love and, after all, it's not that complicated. Two weeks from the moment I looked into those eyes until we kissed. It's a ridiculously short time to do it, but with her it was just right. It was what the moment called for. Our minds needed and our bodies craved that kiss. With her I did things I could never do with anyone else, because with her I can be who I am. I'm not the obedient son, the prodigy student or an idealized being. I've lost count of the times I've thought about saying that I'm not happy. It seems that several years of observing people also makes you good at hiding your feelings. I've never said it because I know it would be like stabbing my mother and I'd never be able to live knowing I'd hurt her.
  That night on the mountain, when I lay on Emily's lap to take the photo, I felt the urge to open up and tell her that I'm really happy with her. I'd never thought of saying that to anyone. But I couldn't think of a way to say it without sounding ridiculous.
  All this, plus the fact that she's constantly on my mind, makes me think I'm in love with her. Maybe one day I'll confess it to her, because I think she feels the same way about me. Or maybe she'll never know, I've never felt comfortable talking about such serious and important matters as my feelings with anyone. Maybe I'll tell her that day on the mountain was the best day of my life. Or maybe I'll only tell her just before my last breath, after thanking her for the good she's done me.

- Get ready. We leave in five minutes. - informs the driver of our van. The parents say goodbye to the teenagers, and we have five minutes to decide on the seats.
- I want to be with Jenny! - Richard declares.
- Of course you want to. - replies Lis, jokingly.
- I wanted to stay with Lis. - says Ron, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
- And me with James. - complete with Emily. I didn't expect to hear that, but strangely it felt good.
- No problem, Rick and Jenny, you take the lead with Ron and I'll go in the back with JJ and Emi.
- Do you mind? - asks Jennifer, looking guilty for separating a couple. The truth is that the van has two rows of three chairs each, after the driver, so eventually someone had to be separated. I was hoping it would be Emily and me, since we officially have nothing romantic between us.
- Of course not. Right, love? - Lis asks Ron, while making some sign with her face, which I can't make out because she's turned away.
- No, it's fine.
- We've decided, then. - says Emily, before we're called by the driver to get into the van. She touches her hand to mine so that we can hold hands until we get into the van, but a reflex that I can't explain makes her immediately pull her hand away.
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't... - he says, stopping mid-sentence because he's embarrassed. I feel like crap for making her feel bad, but when I go to tell her that it's not her fault and that it's something I'm still trying to change, I seem to freeze and can't say anything.
  Shortly after we start the journey and the awkward atmosphere ends, I try to put my hand on Emily's leg so that she realizes that what happened wasn't on purpose, but again I can't do it. It seems that my hand gains consciousness and retreats every time I try to move forward. Emily notices my struggle and, looking at our hands, slowly drags her hand down my arm to my hand, intertwining our fingers.
- I'm sorry. - I whisper.
- Uh-huh. - Hemurmurs, bringing his face close to mine. She brushes her nose against mine andgives me an Eskimo kiss. I realize at this moment that she knows something iswrong with me and wants to know what it is in order to help me. The butterfliesfly more and more intensely.