Moonsland (EN)

Emily (XXV)

  I open my eyes, but they feel heavy. I run my tongue around the inside of my mouth and feel dehydrated. I stretch my left arm out to the side to feel James' body, since I can't hear him snoring or breathing, but I can't feel him. I turn on my cell phone, which is next to me, and the brightness almost blinds me. I did it and, with the help of the flashlight, I pick up my bottle of water and take a sip. I turn my cell phone around and see that I'm alone in the tent. The clock strikes almost four in the morning. I wonder what he's doing out of the tent at this hour, especially in the middle of a forest, but I remember the day he slept in my room. He woke up in the middle of the night too. Maybe I'm exaggerating and it's just a coincidence. Last time, he was worried about the argument with his parents, and this time it might have been a mosquito or something. Or he's not used to sleeping with someone next to him. I hope I don't take up too much space, to the point of waking him up and making him get out of bed.
  I get up a little dazed and leave the tent.
- James? - I call out in a loud whisper. I don't want to wake anyone up either. - Where are you?
Nothing.
- James? - I call out again, moving away from the tented area towards the second place with light. The bandstand by the lake. From a distance, I can see a shadow sitting on a bench. As I get closer, I call out a third time, this time to make sure it's him:
- James!?
- Emily! - she replies, turning to me with a smile.
- Is everything all right?" I ask.
- Everything, what about you? I hope my absence didn't wake you up. - he replies, gesturing me to sit down next to him. I sit cross-legged like him, looking at the same side of the lake.
- No, I woke up thirsty, but I saw you weren't there and I wanted to see if everything was all right.
- The view here is beautiful and the smell is really nice. - he says, staring straight ahead.
- Yes, and the reflection of the moon gives it a different kind of beauty. - I'm starting to shiver with cold. Sometimes I forget that it's fall. Some days it's almost snowing and others it's as hot as summer.
- Put my jacket on. - he tells me, taking the jacket that was on the bench next to him and putting it over my shoulders.
Thank you.
- You know those reactions I have to moving away from your touches? - he asks me, avoiding looking me in the eye.
- Uh-huh.
- I thought about it and...
- Does this have anything to do with our conversation in the van? - I ask, interrupting him.
- Yes and no. I've been thinking about this for longer than I've known you, but meeting you has given me a totally different idea from the one I initially had.
- I don't know if I caught it. - I admit, a little confused.
- I haven't been able to have physical contact with most people for many years. Whether strangers or acquaintances, like Betty, with whom I have almost no physical contact. I thought that some inconsistencies that arose, which made me have no problem greeting someone with a handshake, were irrelevant, because they were one-off cases. Until I met you. - account. I feel curious and interested in the subject. I think this is when I start to understand some of James' attitudes and feelings. - At first, he didn't think anything had changed, until he started living with you and developed feelings for you. From then on, touch, which was something I endured occasionally, became part of my reality. My reality with you. - I know James is talking about his problem, but I can't help thinking that he's just said he has feelings for me. It was obvious, but it's really nice to hear him admit it. - I went to the school psychologist the day I met you, if I'm not mistaken, and she said it was autism, only after I realized that it wasn't every time I had the reflex to pull away that I realized it didn't make sense.
- I remember seeing you. And you didn't go there more often? - I ask.
- No. She even made an appointment to come by again, but I didn't feel like it so I didn't go and she didn't call me either.
- I get it, but if you're not autistic, what makes you have this reflex sometimes and not others?
- I have an idea..." he says, looking down.
- It's okay if you don't want to tell. - I reassure.
- All right, I think it'll be better to externalize this. - she says, putting her hand between my legs, which I carefully wrap around my hands. - Before Betty came to work at my house, I had another maid. I was very young at the time and my parents, in order to educate me, forced me to greet her when she arrived and left, as a form of politeness and good manners. What they didn't know was that whenever I approached her to say hello, she would grope my genitals. This happened for a long time, because when they were present, they didn't notice and when they weren't, she threatened me.
- James... - I say, feeling a tear fall down my cheek.
- At the time, my mother was very present at home and she was the one who helped me bathe, but when she started working late, she came up with the idea of having the maid bathe me and that's when I got up the courage and told her everything. My mother freaked out and fired her on the spot and, after telling my father, they decided to go to court with the case. As you know, they're influential in the justice system and, even without much evidence, they managed to get her sentenced, but only to five years' probation and a stay-away order.
- Just?" is the only thing I manage to ask. I feel indignant. How can someone like that get away with it?
- Well, our justice system isn't very effective. - he says, laughing. I can feel the tension in his laugh, as if he's trying to soften the mood. I can't hide what I'm feeling and tears fall, which I try to hold back. - It's all right, it's over. - He tries to reassure me, enveloping my cheek in his hand.
- It's clearly not. Because of that bitch you've been left with a trauma that's plagued you for years. - I can't help myself. I feel sadness and hatred inside me. I just want to avenge him, but the best way to do that is to help him overcome his trauma. - But I'm here for whatever you need. Now that I know what's going on, it's easier to help you.
- Thank you. - he says, looking down again. I can't help myself and lift his chin so that he looks me in the eye.
- I love you, James. - I confess. I feel myself getting nervous. Was it the right moment?
He gives me a little smile and hugs me. A little later, he says in my ear:
- I... I think I love you.
  I shudder. Since it's been proven that his certainties aren't always right, I'll accept an almost, rather than a certainty. I'm still amazed by what he told me. I've never admired him as much as I do right now.

Day 2 of the Camp

  We all wake up late because we're tired. I think the idea of doing a competition full of sports that are very tiring, after a tiring trip, wasn't the best idea ever. On the other hand, in the middle of the afternoon we decided to go back to the lake. I'm going to teach James the basics of swimming and the rest of us are going to play volleyball, since it was the sport, they enjoyed most in the couples' competition.
  Now away from the group, I enter the lake and hold out my hand for James to join me.
- I don't think that's going to happen. - tell me.
- Come on. - I beg you. - It's so good.
- I'm fine here, thanks. - he tells me, forcing a smile.
- If you need help, I'm here. You won't drown. - I try to convince you.
- Thank you. - he replies, reluctantly.
- Please. I won't ask you for anything more.
- It barely was. I already have a play to take part in. - he replies, taking off his sweater and then his sneakers.
- Are you coming? - I ask, enthusiastically. I think I've managed to be annoying enough to convince him to come.
- It looks that way, but I've got congratulations. - he says, standing half-naked at the edge of the lake.
- Which ones? - I ask.
- It's only a short time and you can't let me go. If you do, I'll pray for a meteor to fall on you.
- You're on! - I reply, laughing.
  I hold her hand as she carefully steps into the lake with her eyes closed. - Are you all right?" I ask. The water rushes over her neck and I feel her breathing increase significantly.
- No, my lungs feel heavy and I can't breathe properly. - she says, beginning to despair.
- James, take it easy. - I say, in an attempt to calm him down. I don't know if it's a panic attack or aquatic anxiety, but it worries me. - Look at me.
- I'm... I'm looking. - he tells me, taking a deep breath.
- I'm here, aren't I? - I ask, showing that I'm holding his hands.
- Uh-huh. - I nodded.
- Breathe in with me. - I say, breathing in calmly. He manages to control his breathing and follow mine until he is apparently calmer. - Better?
- Better. Thank you," he says, embarrassed.
- It's all right. We all have our fears. But you don't have to because you can't swim. - I say.
- Uh-huh.
  We spent a good few minutes swimming in circles to see if James would lose his fear, until he said:
- We have a conversation pending.
- Do we? - I ask. A few topics come to mind.
- About... the mountain. You know... - he tells me. I expected it.
- About what? - I ask, playing dumb. I want him to say exactly, so there's no misunderstanding.
- About kissing and what we have.
- Ah, yes. - I reply.
- What are we to each other? - he asks me. I'm surprised. I didn't expect him to get straight to the point.
- I... I don't know. - I answer honestly. I've never stopped to understand what we have, let alone name it. - What do you think? - I ask.
- Theoretically, we're friends, but that leaves me a little confused, because we've already kissed and said we loved each other. My feelings for you are undeniable. You could be in a room full of people and the only person I could see was you, but...
- I don't know what to say. - I admit it. - Is this a request? - I ask.
- No... I don't know. I don't know if I'm capable of giving you what someone else can give you. - she confesses, pulling away from me a little.
- What do you mean? - I ask.
- Touch. We talked about it only yesterday and I don't know if I'm capable of touching you, hugging you or even kissing you when you feel like it. - he says, moving further away.
- James, your presence is better than any touch from any other boy. - I say, bringing my hand to his cheek.
- Besides, I don't know why, but I tend to tire of people easily and I'm afraid that's going to happen to you, and you don't deserve that. - she confesses, ignoring what I said.
- James... - I say, moving closer to kiss him. It's the only thing I can think of that could convince him not to walk away from me.
- Sorry. - He swims slowly towards the edge. He picks up his clothes and walks away towards the camp. I feel guilty for not being able to help him. But I won't give up. He's special and I can feel it.

  I wake up athalf past three at night to make sure that James doesn't wake up every nightbut, after feeling the other side of the bed with my hand, I realize he's notthere. I look to make sure and, even though I can see everything out of focus,I can be sure that he's awake. I want to get up and try to figure out what'swrong with him, but I'm tired and I'm afraid he'll take me the wrong waybecause of the conversation we had in the afternoon. Tomorrow, at the same time,I'm going to talk to him. On the one hand, I hope he's asleep, on the other, Iwant to know why he woke up in the middle of the three nights we slepttogether.