Moonsland (EN)

Emily (XXXI)

  The journey home is painful. I don't talk, because I know that if I do, I won't stop crying. My mother doesn't talk because she doesn't want to torture me.
- Can I talk to you? - I ask my parents after arriving home.
- Of course, child. Anything you want. - replies my mother.
- I want to stay with James in hospital until he gets out.
- That won't happen, child. - My father replies reassuringly.
- As much as it pains me, I'm going to have to agree with your father.
- I need to be there when he wakes up, please. - I beg you.
- Love, even if we let you go, you don't know if the hospital will allow you to stay there indefinitely. - Justifies my mother.
- If I take care of it, will you let me go?
- And do you think they'll move James into a room prepared for you to sleep in? You're on vacation. We'll let you visit him every day. Just take your car.
- Mom, I'm begging you. You know I've never asked you for anything. - It's really true. I can't remember the last time I really asked my mother for anything remotely important. I think I was saving all the letters to use right now.
- Okay, fine. First find a way to stay there and then we'll take care of the rest. - She says.
- Thanks, Mom!
  I run to my room to grab the keys to the car I haven't driven for a few months.

- Do you think you can get me to talk to the hospital director? - I ask Betty, on the line. - I just need five minutes.
- Of course I can. Are you coming here again?
- I'm going. I had an idea not to leave James alone.
- I'll trust you. I'll wait for you here. - Say goodbye.

- Good morning, Mr. Director. - I shake your hand.
- Good morning, Mrs. Castle. Please have a seat. - She points to one of the empty chairs. - I was told you wanted to speak to me as a matter of some urgency.
- Yes. My boyfriend is in a very serious condition and I wanted to stay with him until he was discharged. - I say, with a shaky voice.
- What do you mean by "stay"?
- I wanted to sleep and spend the day with him. Not only would they not need to have someone checking on him all the time, but I could be there when he woke up.
- Can you tell me your boyfriend's name, please? - she asks, looking at the computer.
- James Wilson.
- The son of Doctors Natasha and Ward Wilson? - he asks, with some admiration. He probably knows them from some criminal case.
- Correct.
- I'll transfer you to a room where you can be comfortable.
- Thank you very much. - I was expecting it to be much harder to get the room.

  The director moved James into a room with a bathroom and a desk, made for those patients who spend most of their lives in hospital. That day I went home, grabbed my school supplies, books and toiletries and moved into James' room. I managed to keep my promise. I managed to stay next to James. My back hurts from sleeping in the armchair, but it's something I've got used to. During the day, I do more or less the same routine as I did at home. The bad thing is that I have to eat food without spices, but I'm getting used to it. The nurses bring my food to my room, along with James' IV. When I have nothing to do, I study a bit, call my mother (which was her only condition if I wanted to come here), talk to my friends, even though the news is always the same, and watch some TV shows.
  Whenever doctors come to check on him, the answer is always the same: "We can only wait. Only time will tell us what to do next". I admit it's hard to look positive twenty-four times out of seven. I tell everyone that he's going to get better and that I feel it, not least because that's why I'm here, but I have my moments of doubt. Sometimes I sit and hold his hand in the hope that he's listening to me. At night, I even read aloud. I read some novels that I've learned he's started reading. I also tell him the news I receive during the day and talk to him about my life. I tell him stories I remember from my childhood and embarrassing moments I've been through. I often feel like crying, but I do it in the bathroom, so he doesn't think he's the reason for my sadness. It's strange to think that I used to live well without knowing he existed, but now I can't imagine my life without him. Every day I run to the bathroom more often because I think about it. But I'm going to do everything I can to stay positive in front of everyone. If I don't, who will?

  On December 23rd, when I woke up, I noticed that his heartbeat was closer to normal, which gave me a lot of hope. When the doctor saw him, she didn't seem very happy, because "it's almost always a bad sign when you suddenly improve a lot", but I wanted to believe that this improvement was to be celebrated.
  It's not long until dinner time and I'm watching the sun go down through the large bedroom window. Outside, the weather seems to be at its calmest and inside it's no different. I hear only James' heartbeat and my thoughts. Suddenly, I hear the machine beeping uncontrollably. I get desperate and run to see if James is all right. I look at the electrocardiogram, but it only shows a line in the center of the screen.
- James! - I shout, in a desperate attempt to wake him up. - James, please!
  I remember that he has an emergency button and I press it several times. While the nurses don't show up for what seems like hours, I try to compress his chest, praying that the basic life support classes will take effect. For a few days, I've managed not to cry in front of him or anyone else, but right now I can't bear the emptiness I feel and I start crying in an amount I didn't even know was possible.
- Step back, please. - says a nurse, pulling me by the arm. - You'll have to leave the room.
  Three more nurses have entered the room and surround the bed while uttering words I don't understand. This reality frightens me. I think that maybe the false positivity I had was just an attempt to escape reality.
- Paddles... turn on two hundred joules... away. - I hear from the other side of the door. I fall to the floor and close my eyes. I feel tears falling down my cheeks and the only thing I can think of are the good times I had with James. They all flash through my mind as if I were watching a movie. I can say for sure that I was happy. I had the highest points of my life with him, but since you can't just go up, this is the biggest fall of all.

- I'm really sorry. We tried everything we could. - a doctor says to me, bending down and touching my shoulder. I've cried a lot, but I can cry a lot more. The feeling is indescribable. It's like they've stabbed me in the heart and thrown me down an endless hole.
- Doctor? I've got a pulse! - says a male voice from the bedroom.
- What do you mean? - asks the doctor. I immediately wipe away my tears and stand up. I can't believe they managed to save him.
- I thought I should try a bit more and we managed to get a pulse.
- All right, then. I need some surveillance in this room, please. - Orders the doctor. - You're very lucky. - she says, leaving the room.

  On Christmas Eve, I was forced by my parentsto have dinner with the family, but I went back to the hospital aloneafterwards. My parents asked me to come home and the doctors called me crazyfor spending the days with him, but the truth is that I was there when he wokeup. I promised myself that I would stay with him until he woke up, and I did. Ithought I'd lost him, feeling the greatest pain of my life, but now he's fine.I'm even grateful to have felt that pain, because if there was any doubt abouthow I felt about him, now it's as clear as water. I love him.