~ oliegie fanfic ~

.ch 15~insecurities.

MENTIONS OF SH, UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS, BODY DYSMORPHIA, STARVING, AND WEIGHT STRUGGLES

DARREN POV

I was opening up my Snapchat replies to my story before I realized I left Regie on delivered for 2 days. I completely forgot. I opened his message and he was talking about some girl he was talking to.

IN PMS

FUTURE HUSBAND

Yea man she a bad bitch

Hello

Darren it's been 5 minutes.

Stop having sex with Justin n anser me

Fuck you

Helllllllooooooooo

Damn bru is your fat ass eating again?

Bro respond

Fine bro it better yo ugly ahh finally shut up anywyas

OUT OF PMS

I don't remember why I didn't respond to his messages. Was I really eating? Damn do I eat that much.

IN PMS

ME

sorry

I don't think I got these

OUT OF PMS

I stared at the messages before I just turned my phone off. I felt like I was gonna cry. I couldn't cry, at least not in front of Justin. I headed for the bathroom and locked the door as I sighed. I opened the side cabinet thing and looked at the stuff inside. Well only one thing really.

I was looking at a bottle.

I tried to push the thoughts away and just started crying. It didn't work though..

I turned my phone on and opened the "I am sober" app. I reset the count of 9 months, six days, 29 minutes, and 34 seconds. I grabbed the bottle and opened it. A small razor blade was hidden on the inside.

I lifted up my shirt took it off and lowered my pants to just barely cover my penis. I saw all the old scars and remembered the feeling. It felt tingly kind of, the good tingly. I slowly lowered the blade onto my skin and began cutting. I was cutting deeper each time. It felt amazing. I missed this feeling. I know it's fucked up to think that way but it really was amazing.

I suddenly hit a spot or went too deep and it really hurt. I dropped the blade and it went under the door. I prayed Justin wouldn't find it so I stayed still for a few seconds. He didn't find it. I started cursing as I grabbed toilet paper and tried to clean my mess up. It wouldn't stop bleeding until after like 5 minutes. I sighed in relief before Justin yelled that it was dinner.

"DARREN ITS TIME FOR DINNER COME DOWN." I realized he was downstairs and I got happy. I opened the door as I respond to him. "I'M NOT HUNGRY, MY STOMACH HURT. EAT WITHOUT ME." I say as he yells back and I pick up the blade. "SUIT YOURSELF WE GOT JOLLIBEE." He said as I mentally cursed myself. I was starving but I would eat later.

I cleaned myself and the floor as I looked at the bloody blade. "Should I..?" I thought in my head. I couldn't resist the urge. I began a second round. I couldn't stop. It was too good.

I ended almost right after dinner was done and I heard people walking upstairs as I quickly panicked. I locked the door cleaned the floors cleaned my body cleaned everything. I grabbed some Vaseline as I dreaded this moment. I slowly put the Vaseline on my scars as I flinched in pain. I put some healing products, lifted my pants, put my shirt on and exited the bathroom.

"Bro what the fuck is this stain." Justin said as he tried to get the blood stain off the floor from my blade. I panicked as I grabbed some water and put it on my thumb. I rubbed the floor. "Oh." He said as he smiled and headed back to the bed. As I follow him.

"You were in there for a long time, is your stomach okay?" He says as I nod yes. He gets concerned and puts his hand on my stomach. I flinch as he does so before he starts to speak up. "What kind of pain is it?" He asks as I think. "Like blades." I say as he gets worried. "That could be like I don't know like hole in stomach. Try eating something." He says with concern in his eyes. "No that will make it worse." I say as he hugs me from behind and it hurts even more now. "Go eat Darren." He says as he hugs me tightly. "Ow stop that." I say in a serious tone as he flinches away. "Is it a physical pain? Here let me see your stomach." He says as I move away quickly.

"Darren let me see." He says as I shake my head no. He knows about my past addictions and he gets up and starts to chase me. I run out of the room as I run downstairs. He was chasing me and Sebastian started recording not knowing what it was about. I ran outside and jumped in the pool because I knew Justin wouldn't jump in. Or I thought. Sebastian left at this point his last words being: "Nah y'all lost me there I'm not going in the pool." Justin jumped in and had a firm grip on my shirt. We were both panting and my throat was closing, I felt the tears coming.

He felt up my shirt before he felt the scars. "Darren, why?" He asked as he looked at me with sadness in his eyes. It was dark out so the only thing I could see was Justin and the lights in the pool. "I-I don't know.." I said as he pulled me into a hug and I began crying. He began feeling up my wrists, thighs, back, anywhere scars could be. We began to talk while I was swimming laps, I heard that swimming was the best way to lose weight at like 8-10 years old and it stuck with me ever since.

We went in after 10 minutes and I took a shower and got changed. Justin laid on the bed with me as we began to talk about random things.

I got up to go to the bathroom and he nodded as he put on a timer. Now I felt pressured. I got in and did what I needed to do and as I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror. I was so fucking ugly. I was picking at my skin and tightening my cheeks and trying to changed everything about me. I felt like I was 200 pounds. I stopped because I remembered the timer and I went outside to Justin.

Darren is so relatable ong