Suits (My Worst Partner-Enemy)

Beauty is Found Within

7PM.

I had finished gathering my bag and phone and was just leaving my office. Maya already took the girls home. My brain clicked. Harvey! I wanna give him a goodbye kiss before I go. All I want is basically be in his arms again. We both had arguments with Mike earlier about this case. Nonetheless, Katrina still got hired. I need nothing more than my sweet love's kiss. I smiled, walking up to his office until Donna was already there. She seemed to be having a serious conversation with him. I couldn't make out what they said so I listened from Donna's desk. "Katrina Bennett called. The deal's done." She spoke. Must be discussing the plea deal for Ms. Colson's son. Somehow Harvey's look worried me a little. What happened? "Get the paperwork started." He told her. "Harvey, what did you do?" She asked in a serious tone. This began to churn my stomach and bring goosebumps. An incoming lump was forming in my throat. My palms felt warmth as if this were making the blood leave my face. I really don't get it, what did Harvey do? "I did what I had to do." Is all he spoke. My phone buzzed. Shit shit shit! The sound could give me away so I immediately run-walked to the elevator. The text made me cuss under my breath.

H🤗🩵: hope you're having a great evening with Avery.♥️

Oh lord, I need to get home before he catches me in the parking lot! The elevator doors opened, letting me rush to my car and fire the engine. I hesitated before texting back.

BlueQueen👑🩵: I am but nothing's fun without u🥺

I smiled warmly and began my drive home. Yet what his and Donna's conversation lingered my mind. What did Harvey could've done that sounded so serious? Being that he's a lawyer, he does serious things all the time. It could be anything. I mentally ignored what Maya even mentioned earlier. All of that is completely opposite. Not something entirely more.

******

In my room, I was writing another song reflecting what my longtime thoughts about the struggle of being pretty. Even more a struggle when you're a teen actress on screen. I had so many hidden feelings so it felt entirely good to finally write them and not feel self-conscious about it. What Maya said on the night of my date basically told me I can feel beautiful in anything that I choose to wear. And not because of anything or anyone else wanting me to do. Maybe also write this for any woman or girl dealing with the 'pretty' struggle.

Pretty isn't Pretty

Bought a bunch of makeup,
Trying to cover up my face

I started to skip lunch,
stopped eating cake on birthdays

That made me pause. I covered my face as memories of me skipping food sometimes or letting myself be hungry so I wouldn't be called fat names resurfaced my brain. Tears fill my eyes while trying to breathe through a lump in my throat. I swallowed it and focused on writing.

I bought a new prescription to try and stay calm

Cause there's always something missing

There's always something in the mirror that I think looks wrong

When pretty isn't pretty enough
What do you do?

And everybody's keeping it up, so you think it's you

I could change up my body and change up my face

I could try every lipstick in every shade

But I'd always feel the same

Tears streamed down my face already. I grabbed the tissue and wiped my eyes. I took a few breaths in order to relax.