Nothing is, but what is not // John Shelby

XXVI

The first thing John noticed was the small silhouette trying to get past the crowd, appearing and then disappearing again. He heard a few comments that made him clench his fists. Finally he saw her. Grey skin, parted lips covered with red, messy lipstick. The same she used when he took her to the races. As the girl met his eyes, she froze.

"Beth" John called her, making her approach him. She sat down at his table, stubbornly staring at the glass of whiskey in his hand. She wasn't able to look at him; she didn't want him to read everything that she did from her face.

"Sweetheart..." the man sighed "What is happening?" He reached out his hand and Beth took it hesitantly, shaking her head. John tightened his fingers on hers, and smiled at her encouragingly.

"I need to pay the rent" the girl mumbled quietly, still not raising her eyes from the glass that was slowly becoming empty. She flinched under the influence of her own thoughts. Beth was not proud of the situation she was in; she promised herself it would never happen again, and yet, she broke the promise. The thought of not being good enough in something she loved doing was unbearable. John brushed his thumb against her hand, taking the last sip of his whiskey.

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"Why would I?"

"Damn it, Beth. Why do you think this was a better choice?" He felt as if he was about to explode, pointing at her messy lipstick and hair that needed brushing, which was clearly showing what she was doing just a moment ago. The girl shivered and finally looked at him. That made his face soften "I would borrow you this money."

"I wouldn't be able to give it back" Beth answered quickly, as if she was prepared for this conversation for a long time now.

"You are ending all this. Now." John's eyes were serious. "How much do you need?"

"John..."

"How much?" He kept holding her hand in his, worrying that the girl could just stand up and leave.

"A hundred pounds" Beth murmured, but as soon as John reached into his pocket, she protested once more "I do not want any money from you. I... I'll be alright."

"You're not alright, Beth" the man's voice was firm "I know that you, artists, are bloody stubborn, but I will not let this whole fucking city to see you as a whore, while they should know you by your costumes" he smiled slightly, and the girl raised the corner of her lips. John forced her to take the banknotes.

"I really..." Beth sighed, looking at the money. She needed it; she knew it would let her go back home tonight with hope of not having to do this ever again. "Thank you" she whispered, trying to swallow the bitter taste of defeat. The whole embarrassment was not caused by the way she was earning money, but by what forced her to do it.

"Come, sweetheart" John slowly stood up, not letting go of her hand "You can start paying your debt already."

Beth was not sure what to expect after those words. John just took her to his house, where Polly looked at both of them with amusement as her nephew went upstairs to then lock himself and the girl in his bedroom.

Beth had never seen his room before, but it was nothing extraordinary. Her eyes noticed some bullets on the desk, where he sat her down, and which started rolling and falling onto the ground when he moved them out of the way.

"How is your arm?" The girl asked, because she remembered the last time they saw each other. She remembered how badly her hands were shaking as she was stitching up his skin, for the first time losing control over the needle, which was the only thing that usually gave her the feeling of control. Beth wouldn't admit it, but after going back home that night, she spent plenty of time sobbing into her pillow like a child. She was mostly surprised by the fact that it was caused not by John disappointing her, but by him getting hurt.

"It hurts like hell, but the morphine helps" he smiled, carefully shrugging "The best seamstress sewed me up" John winked at her, finding a handkerchief, pouring some water on it and putting it to Beth's lips to get rid of the lipstick.

"You never answered my letters" he said after a moment. The girl frowned; yes, she had some memories of Maud leaving her envelopes while she was working, but she was so lost in the sound of the sewing machine, that he never remembered to open them and check what was inside.

"I am sorry" Beth looked into his eyes, not being sure if she should expect anger or disappointment. But John looked calm, even his usual mocking smirk was gone "After what happened... During the war I was not a nurse, because I prefer to sew together fabrics, not people" she looked up at him, and down at her hands.

"I really tried to end with my old ways" John put the handkerchief aside, stroking the girl's hair. "But I don't think it is meant for me" he admitted, smiling as the half-blond, half-brown hair intertwined with his fingers. The grey eyes, soft lips... All of it was causing his body to feel slightly warmer.

"And when it comes to your debt" John started with amusement, seeing that Beth had no idea what to expect "You will take care of my kids this Saturday."

"John, you gave me a hundred pounds. Babysitting is not worth that much."

"It is, when they are my kids."