The Philocalist 〰 ♡ 〰 Volume Two

Now and Then

"how are you doing?" Grey asks, entering Elle's hospital room to see Sasha and Dashia and Max all curled up with Elle in her bed.

If Grey could, this room would be swamped with his most trusted officers. He wants to keep her as safe as possible, especially after everything that happened.

But he can't.

Elle has made it clear she doesn't want to see anyone besides her kids and Grey. Well them and Rex, who has almost instantly bonded to Elle and is sitting at her feet, guarding Elle and the kids. 

"okay" Elle murmurs, her voice still a little hoarse. 

She's lucky she can talk, she had to have throat surgery to repair her vocal cords which were damaged when she strangled herself. 

"Lucy?" Elle asks.

"left the hospital this morning" Grey replies.

"that's good" Elle says, nodding. 

"she wants to see you" Grey remarks.

Elle just shakes her head, holding Max closer when he shifts in his sleep.

"Elle-" Grey starts.

"n-no, no, I'm the reason she ended up in that barrel" Elle shakes her head. 

"you couldn't have known" Grey reasons.

"s-she almost died because of me" Elle insists.

"it's not your fault, Solokov" Grey argues, his voice raising a little bit.

"please leave" Elle murmurs, when Sasha wakes up to Grey's raised voice.

Grey sighs, hesitating for a moment before leaving the hospital room. Elle pulls her kids closer, kissing each of their heads individually before starting to cry.

[Three Weeks Later]

Elle pins her hair back into her normal bun. She exhales shakily, looking at what her cop uniform.

What's the point of being a cop if she's the reason one of her best friends almost died?

Elle has always put on her uniform with pride and humility. She was proud of herself for getting to this point, and she's always been humbled by the power she holds.

But today, when she stares in the mirror, she feels undeserving. She suddenly doubts her ability to do this job, wondering if she's worthy of the power resting in her badge and on her hip. 

Her thoughts are interrupted when Lucy enters the locker room. Elle freezes, before quickly hurrying out.

Lucy has reached out but Elle has pushed her away. Lucy even visited her and Nolan's house, but Elle refused to see her. 

The past three weeks have been compromised of nightmares, endless hospital visits, guilt, grief, and so much regret.

The normal extrovert has become a hermit. Nolan has only seen her smile around her kids, and Elle has even been distant from Nolan, which makes Nolan's own guilt that much worse. 

But he can't blame her, being buried alive and with a permanent mark to remember that day must be hell. He's heard her waking up in the middle of the night and start crying. The first time he tried to go in and comfort her but she just scooted herself away from him.

The image caused his heart to break and he hasn't tried to help her directly since. Instead he always makes the food is stocked with her favorite foods, and when she has one of her flashbacks, he always takes care of the kids so Elle can be alone and work through it.