Out of the Shadows // Sebastian Sallow

Chapter Thirty-Six

My favorite early morning rays were filtering in through Sebastian's bedroom window, coaxing me awake. There was a fog-like hue to the rays this morning... the storm.

I realized quickly that I was not at home in Lower Hogsfield like I was supposed to be, and I was in Sebastian's bed, his arms crushing me against his chest again, our mutual body heat making me sweat.

The storm had sent me into a frenzy. A dark spiral. I could barely remember getting here. I didn't even make a conscious decision to go to his house in Hogsmeade. I was just there. Like any other morning.

I wonder what state he found me in... I sighed deeply, embarrassment filling me. I still didn't have a handle on these panic attacks.

"You're awake." He said into my ear, his voice thick and dry.

"Just." I replied.

"How are you feeling, love?"

"Ok. I think." I thought for a second. "How did I get here?"

"You don't remember?"

"I remember a need to escape. And rain. Running."

"Yes. I think you had a panic attack at home. And you ran through the storm to get here." His voice was full of unspoken emotions. "Can you remember the trigger?"

"The storm... Azkaban..."

He didn't reply. I knew he wanted more details. I breathed out heavily. I always dreaded talking about this... but last time I let some out to him, it helped.

"My first night in Azkaban. There was a big storm outside. The very ground of the prison shook. The walls were colder when it rained. You could hear the pelts of rain against the stone. And for some reason... it always riled everyone up. The screams..." I breathed out shakily, my body trembling slightly.

"It's ok. You're here now. It's over." He kissed my shoulder softly. It was a wet kiss. I turned to look at him. He had tears in his eyes.

"Seb... what..."

"I just feel so guilty. You've been through so much and I wasn't there for you. And last night... I wasn't there. I should never have let you go home! It's my fault. It's always my fault..." He closed his eyes, the tears spilling down.

"NO!" I yelled. I turned around quickly in bed to face him and wrapped all my limbs around him tightly. "NOTHING is your fault. Nothing. It can't be helped. It just is. It's ok. It's ok Seb, my love. It's ok." I tried my best to calm his fears and guilt.

We both calmed, holding onto each other tightly. I was reconsidering returning to school. I didn't even handle one night in my own bed alone. How was I supposed to handle it on a permanent basis?

--

I stood in the Slytherin Common Room. I looked around slowly at all the memories. It felt exactly the same. But also, quite different. I was quite different. It felt like it had been years since I'd been here. The last day I was here, I was rushing out of it to go meet Anne. I hadn't even looked around, assuming I would return. I hadn't.

This morning's goodbye to Sebastian was hard. I knew I'd be seeing him again. But every time I had to say goodbye now, it filled me with fear. We had learned our lesson of what being apart does to us so many times now and yet, we still had to do it. I knew he felt the same way I did. I could see my anguish reflected in his big brown eyes. But I had to go. Mum was probably worried.

So, I went home and ate with my family. And had tearful goodbyes. Although, I assured Archie that no matter what house he would be sorted into, I would be there every day to watch over him if he needed me. He was so sweet and nervous. I wished I had had a normal first day at Hogwarts when I was eleven like everyone else. Mum was set to walk Archie to Hogsmeade Station later so he could join the other arriving first years and ride in on the boats... another experience I didn't have...