The Silent Rider

Chapter 45

I must have fallen asleep.
I felt a shuffling at my feet realizing it was Lizz, she was curled up in a ball at the end of the couch. My head was laying in Jordans lap, his breathing was steady, he too was asleep. I reached for my phone in my back pocket. It was almost five in the morning and they're still here. I slowly get up from my spot not wanting to wake either of them up. I make my way to the kitchen putting on a pot of coffee.
    I was standing at the window looking at our empty driveway, the only cars were mine and Jordan's. It was cloudy out the stars were hidden. I was in my own world, thoughts fluttering through my mind. I must have not heard the creaking floor boards as Jordan approached. I jumped a little at the feeling of him massaging my shoulders from behind. He rest his chin on my head, the steady rhythm of his breathing matching mine. We stood there for a moment, I knew he had questions but I didn't want to answer.
I felt him shift, his hands staying on my shoulders but turning me towards him till we were face to face. His eyes canned my face, I knew he couldn't see much do to the lack of light in the room, but I also knew he saw enough. His fingers grazed my cheek bone and I flinched. I shouldn't have I should've acted like it didn't hurt like it didn't bug me, but it didn't matter he would know better, he did know better.
"What happened?" He whispered, "Your brother wouldn't tell us, he just said that you wanted us here. Which I'm assuming didn't come from you."
I looked away from him, my mind going back to the bitter words my father had spoken to me. I didn't want to believe that Jordan would leave I wanted to think he would stay, but once upon a time my own brother had left me. My sister had left, she wasn't coming back. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know how to get my voice out of my mouth. I didn't think I wanted too.
I took a step away from him, letting his hands fall from my shoulders. I wouldn't look at him though, I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see his face. I heard more footsteps enter the kitchen. They were from Lizz.
"Ash?" She whispered my name so quietly, cautiously even. Like I was a stray animal she was worried she would scare. "We just want to help. Please let us help." Her voice cracked and I wanted to tell her I was sorry. That I wish I knew how to get the words out but instead I just stood there. Them watching me.
"Ash say something, please, don't do this again, I can't..." He trailed off. That made me look at him. His eyes glistened, and it broke me. "You don't have to tell us, just say something. Please, don't shut down, don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to us."
I really wanted too. I wish he knew how much I wanted too, I didn't know how though. Maybe my father was right, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, maybe I should've never spoken to begin with. It was as if Lizz knew what I was thinking. She stepped closer, her eyes looking me over and saying it all.
"Don't let whatever he said to you get to your head. He talked down on you way before her death. Her dying didn't change that. He will never change, nothing you do will change how he thinks, I wish you would just let yourself be proud of everything you've accomplished, you know she would be, and you know she wouldn't want to see yourself like this. I don't want to see you like this." She was almost directly in front of me now. "And you know what I'm ashamed to say I refused to go to the hospital because I didn't want to see you laying there, but I also was mad at myself, because you had asked if I would go with you, I was the one who was supposed to drive, I was supposed to be there, I will never forgive myself for that, the worst part is that I didn't go so I could hang out with Tristian and I just then when I got the call..." Her words broke off to a sob. Her whole body shaking.
"I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help you and that's all I wanted was to help you. And then when I was told you woke up made up excuse after excuse because I felt bad, I felt like I had betrayed you, and I didn't think I could look at you and not see her face in your eyes. Because I feel like it's my fault. Please don't shut me out, cause I constantly feel bad for shutting you out when you needed me."
She stood there staring at me, looking for some type of response I didn't have. I almost would have forgotten Jordan was there if it weren't for his silhouette slowly moving towards us. He stopped and it formed a triangle between the three of us.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I murmured back.
All I got was a whimper as a response and more tears came from her, and I couldn't watch as she tore herself up very this. I couldn't watch as Jordan tried to figure out how to clean up the mess that we are.