Fidelity

63rd

Should we go upstairs

Hindi na nakapalag pa si Davion nang kunin ko ang susi ng sasakyan para magmaneho. It's either he's too drunk to process this or he's too guilty for ruining the night. Normally, he wouldn't even let me touch the steering wheel.

The ride to his penthouse was awfully quiet. Nakarating kami sa residential towers nang walang nagsasalita.

"We're here," wika ko matapos ipark ang sasakyan niya sa basement parking ng building.

He didn't budge one inch. Wala rin akong narinig sa kanya. Ni hindi ko makita ang ekspresyon niya pagkat nahaharangan ng braso niya ang mukha. Nakapatong ang likod nito sa mata niya habang nakasandal ang ulo niya sa headrest ng carseat.

I know he wasn't sleeping because I could feel his heavy breathing. Habang tumatagal ay mas lalong kumakapal ang hangin sa loob ng sasakyan. The thicker the atmosphere gets, the more suffocating it is for me. I could feel the walls inside my chest tightening by the second.

Ang katahimikan. Ang presensya niya. Ang pabango niya. The warmth that his unmoving body effortlessly exudes. The erratic pounding of my heart. Nakakapanikip ng dibdib. Nakakabara ng lalamunan.

"I'm sorry.." garalgal ang boses niya. Hindi ko siya magawang tignan. Bagsak ang nanginginig kong tingin sa manibela.

"I got ahead of myself.. Pinagbigyan mo lang ako.. You just spared me a second of your time and in my own little world, I started picturing a future together again. Fuck. Sa kaonting atensyon mo, kung san-san na ko agad dinala ng delusyon at pantasya ko. Just a glance from you and damn.. I was already writing vows in my head,"

Sa bawat buka ng bibig niya. Sa bawat salitang binibitawan niya. Parang may dumadagan sa dibdib ko. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko.

"I keep wanting to be greedy and wanting for more. Kahit hindi dapat.. Kahit imposible.. Kahit alam kong imposible... sa tuwing kasama kita... everytime I see you smile... I always found myself asking the heavens to give me a chance. A miraculous chance na wala akong karapatang hingiin. A miraculous chance na alam kong malabong ibigay sakin.. Just one chance to make everything right." his voice broke.

Habang tumatagal ay mas lalong humihirap para sakin ang huminga. My grip on the steering wheel loosened with my little trembling hands.

"Alam kong wala 'kong karapatan but— fuck," bakas ang paghihirap sa boses niya. I saw how he disheveled his hair in frustration from my peripheral vision. "I hate it.. I fucking hate it back there.. I couldn't just sit still and listen without losing it.."

Hinilamos niya ang palad sa mukha at nanatiling nakayuko ang ulo. Nakapatong ang siko niya sa tuhod habang nakasabunot ang mga kamay sa buhok.

The misery in his voice. His helpless state. Seeing him suffer like this on his supposed special day is making my stomach twitch in pain.

Halos mamanhid na ang kalamnan ko sa intensidad na nararamdaman. I could feel my eyes watering for a reason I can't ascertain.

With my trembling hands, I took off my seatbelt and found myself leaning over him to place my palm on his back.

Naestatwa siya sa paglapat ng palad ko sa likod niya. Kasabay ng patuloy na paninikip ng dibdib ko, my hand moved like it has a mind of its own and caressed his back to soothe whatever it is that was causing him pain.

His head turned up to me and he gazed at me like a kid. My lips parted at how drunk and teary his eyes were. Nagulat din ako sa kung gaano kapula ang mukha niya. Ang nagsusumamo niyang ekspresyon ay ibang-iba sa imahe ng Davion sa utak ko.

Right now, in my eyes... he was just someone fragile, with too much pain and hopelessness. 

"Sol.." may lambing at paghihirap sa tinig niya. Mapungay ang lasing at nagsusumamo niyang mga mata. Halos manghina ako habang nalulunod sa emosyon na ipinapakita niya.