My head and my heart were fighting.
Remember all the times he told you he loved you? Remember when he told you that he was a virgin, and said that he was saving himself for someone he truly and absolutely loved? Remember how he chose YOU to be his first time, and how you chose him? Remember when he told you he loved you more than the stars and the sun? When he held you when you were upset, when he comforted you, when he made you feel loved, when he reassured you about your body and mind?
How can he fake all of that? How can he NOT LOVE YOU?!
My heart was telling me all of this, and I wanted so hard to believe it, but there was my dad's voice in my head, louder and more terrifying, telling me different things.
You REALLY think he can love YOU? A messed up girl that's covered in burns and bruises? A girl that hears voices in her head? A girl that cries every day, that's scared of attention, that isn't famous, that's been single for her whole life, that makes him worry all the time, that makes him habe to protect you, that-
My heart interrupts.
He told you he WANTED to protect you! Don't you believe him?
My head answers.
Shut up, you know he was lying. You're just a piece of trash that belongs in he garbage. You don't have any right to be around him. He's famous, and you're just a dumb girl who helps animals. That's all you'll ever be, a worthless, pathetic, stupid girl.
It was the day after I had demanded that Thomas take me home. I felt bad, but it couldn't be helped.
He had left dozens of calls and text messages, but I didn't answer any of them.
I didn't understand why he was trying so hard to make me believe his lies.
But they AREN'T lies! You know they aren't!
My heart was trying really hard to convince me that his love was actually real.
Maybe my heart is right... Why else would he tell me he loved me so many times? Why else would he take care of me? Why else would he take me on a trip, just the two of us?
Maybe he really does love me...
I thought to myself.
But no, my head tells me otherwise.
You always loved to dream things up, didn't you? Get that stupid fantasy out of your mind.
Why did these thoughts just pop up all of a sudden? Why did they start out of no where? Why are they so bad.
I guess some things you'll never know the answer to, huh?
Even if he did love me, why would he want to keep dating me? I breakdown almost every day, he's probably tired of dealing with that.
I don't blame him.
It felt like my head was going to split in two. I felt like my heart was cracking.
I cry. All I do is cry and cry and cry. My dad's voice mocks me, calling me a baby, and I know he's right.
I'm always right.
He taunts me.
Lulu tries to cheer me up, cuddling me and everything, but it doesn't help. It just makes me cry even more. She finally jumps off the bed and leaves my room.
I was driving every one away, and I couldn't stop.
My mind was conquered by a terrible voice that told me terrible things, most of them true.
Sometimes I just wanted to die.
All this crying has made me exhausted. I decide to go to sleep.
It's hard though. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Thomas. His smiling face. His beautiful eyes. I can hear his accent clearly.
I still loved him. I don't think I can ever stop loving him. I had told him as much.
****
That night, I dream of my dad. Abusing me again, just like before. The fire poker hurt like hell, and when I woke up, there were fresh scratches on my arm and fresh blood seeping out of them.
I had never had things this bad.
I reach for my phone, turn it on.
Five text messages and two voice mails from Thomas.
No. I can't tell him about this. I had pretty much ended us.
But had I?
I didn't actually say 'I want to break up.'
He probably thought that's what had happened though.
I put the phone away and take a shower. I try to get everything off my mind, just try to focus on cleaning myself, but it was so hard.
When I get back in bed, I call for Lulu. She jumps on the bed and cuddles next to me.
This is all you're gonna have for the rest of your life, Kylie. A cat. That's it.
I fall asleep, crying.
