One thing I noticed while I was unconscious: I didn't hear his voice anymore. I didn't hear his taunts and insults. I heard...
Nothing.
I never thought I would be so happy to hear nothing. It was a great sound.
At first, when I woke up, I thought I was seeing heaven's light. I thought I was dead. But it turns out, it was only the hospital light above my bed.
I kind of wish I was dead though.
I open my eyes fully, then look around the room. There was my mom. Oh, I had missed her so much.
"Mom." I say in a scratchy voice.
She takes her head out of her hands, and I can see tear streaks on her cheeks.
When she sees me awake, she smiles joyfully, her eyes light up, and she runs to my bedside.
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad you're okay! Oh Kylie, I'm so sorry this happened! I wish that-"
"It's okay mom. I love you." I reach my arms up, and she reaches down and gives me a hug. She kisses my cheek and says, "I love you too."
We talk for a few moments before the doctor comes in.
"Oh good, you're awake! How are you feeling?" The doctor says.
"I don't know." I say. I couldn't really think of a good answer for the question, since I was pretty much numb.
"Alright then. Well, would you like something to eat?"
I realize then how hungry I felt.
"Yes please." I answer.
"I'll go get it for you honey. I know what you like. I'll be right back." My mom leaves to get food.
The doctor checks my temperature, uses a stethoscope, all that kind of doctor stuff.
My mom comes back with the food, and the doctor leaves.
I eat hungrily, and when I'm done, I feel full.
"Dad is dead, isn't he?" I ask in the middle of the night. Neither of us could seem to sleep.
My mom sighs. "Yes, he's dead. Sweetheart, I wish that I could have-"
"It's okay mom." My mom scoots her chair over to my bed and holds my hand. She gently squeezes it, and I squeeze back.
"I love you honey." She says.
"I love you too mom."
I fall asleep holding my mom's hand.
****
When I open my eyes and look around, no one is in my room.
Mom must be eating or in the bathroom or something.
Thomas hasn't visited me yet.
Why would he? He didn't have to. I really wanted him to though...
The door opens, and in walks Thomas. His eyes are bloodshot, and he has dark circles under them.
"Thomas." I say, awe in my voice.
"Kylie." He says back, then approaches my bed slowly.
"You look bloody terrible." He says.
"Wow, thanks." I say, though I can't help but smile.
"But even when you look terrible, you still look beautiful." He whispers, and I don't know if I'm supposed to hear it or not.
Silence.
There are so many things I want to say to him... But I can't. I don't think he'll believe me.
I decide on something safe.
"Thank you. For saving me." I say.
"You don't need to thank me." He says. His voice cracks a few times. "I couldn't lose you."
I look at him. And he looks at me.
"Thomas. Thomas, I'm so sorry for what I've done and said to you. I wasn't-"
"It's okay." He smiles sadly at me.
"His voice is gone."
"It is? That's good. I bet you feel much better now."
I just nod.
I love you.
I want to say it so BADLY. Why can't I?
"Kylie..." His voice trails off.
"Yeah?"
"I just... I'm really happy you're okay." He says.
I know that that was not what he was going to say.
Why are we talking like strangers?
What have I done?
"I um... I got you this." He says, and hands me a stuffed cat, that looks just like Lulu, holding a heart that says, "Get well soon!"
I grin and hug it to myself. "Thank you. It looks just like Lulu."
Then I gasp. "Lulu! Where is she? Is she okay?" I sit up and frantically look around, as if she were in the room with me and I just hadn't noticed yet.
"She's alright. I hope you don't mind, but I took her and her things to my apartment to take care of while you were gone. I'm really sorry I didn't ask you first, but, you know, you were kind of unconscious and stuff." He mumbles the last part.
I lay back down, soothed now that I knew where she was.
"Thank you Thomas. You've done so much for me, and all I've done is do and say terrible things to you. I'm sorry." I apologize.
I mean every word I say. I was very sorry. I was very, very sorry.
"I wish I could go back and change what happened." I whisper.
"I wish I hadn't let you go so easily." He whispers back.
He takes my hand and squeezes it. He looks me in the eyes and says, "I don't know what your feelings are for me anymore, but I love you. I've never stopped loving you, and I never will, okay? After you broke up with me, I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything for days. I've missed you so much Kylie. God, I love you so much." He starts to lean down, but straightens himself up. He slips his hand from my grasp.
"Thomas, I-" I start, but he stops me.
"Please don't say anything." He says. "Not yet. Can you wait? Until you're out of the hospital? Cause I don't want to cry in here in front of everyone. I don't know if my heart is strong enough to take it yet."
"I want to tell you now." I say desperately. "But I'm just...
"And I want to know now. But please, just wait for me. We both need a little bit more time."
"I'll try. I'll try to wait." I answer.
"You'll tell me when you get out of the hospital, right?" He asks.
"Yes. I will."
"Thank you." He kisses my forehead. His scent surrounds me, and I feel like I'm... home.
"Good bye. Please, try to hurry and get better." And he leaves.
I cuddle mini Lulu (I decided to name my stuffed cat that) to me, and I can smell a faint trace of Thomas. I close my eyes, and fall asleep.
His voice no longer haunts me.
