Black as Coal | ✓

40

I could feel Nolan's eyes on me as the three of us walked through the woods. I have never once cared if someone stared at me and more often than not, I was guilty of doing it to others, but there was something in his eyes that bothered me to no end.

"So, that was your mate back there?" He asked, though I was positive he already knew the answer to that question.

"Leave him out of it," I immediately responded.

At first, Nolan seemed surprised by my words, but then his expression morphed into something else. He looked hurt. Maybe even offended?

"Do you truly think so low of me that I'd harm your mate to get to you?" he asked, his voice tinged with genuine emotion.

I paused, taking in his words and the expression on his face. I was used to seeing Nolan always smiling. He was the type of person who could easily attract flocks of people with minimal effort. I wasn't used to seeing this side of him which was much more...professional?

The only time I saw something similar was when he rescued Roan and that was years ago.

"It's not that I think low of you," I said, choosing my words carefully. "It's just that I can't take any chances. I don't want to involve Cronan anymore than he already is and I wouldn't put it past your brother to show up and do exactly that."

"You really like him, huh?"

"I do."

"Does he make you happy?"

"Yes."

Nolan stopped walking and turned to meet my eyes. "Were you not happy in the pack, Fen? Was there something I didn't know? I've been replaying everything in my mind and I just...I don't understand." He sighed. "You left the pack and me specifically in a shitty position. The constant fear, the distrust, and the overwhelming anger everyone felt—I had to deal with that. I had to try to convince a pack who didn't know who to trust anymore that everything was okay. You dropped a bombshell and then left me to try and pick it up when I was injured myself. I thought we were friends."

"I did think of you as a friend," I told him, but he didn't seem to believe me. "I mean it. I could stand here and give you a bunch of excuses for why I did it, but I won't. The simple answer is: I thought I was in love."

"Your 'love' was so strong that you were willing to destroy the pack and kill my brother?"

"I never said it was a great reason," I told him. "You know my parents weren't really around when I was younger and my grandparents could only do so much. I was a cocky kid who thought he understood everything there was when it came to mates and mate bonds. You, Eli, and Atlas—" I glanced back at the man walking a bit behind us. "—were really the only friends I had and Eli was by far the one I was closest to. I don't know when evolved into a crush, but by the time we were old enough to find our mates, I was so sure Eli was meant to be my mate."

"And then he wasn't," Nolan finished and I nodded.

"I think part of it was fear. Like I said, I didn't have many friends in the pack and I was worried that if Eli wasn't my mate, what would that mean for me? Would he leave too or start ignoring me? Would I be alone again? What would become of our friendship?"

Nolan frowned.

"I was so...paranoid. I thought everything would be ruined if he left so I tried to do whatever I could to try and keep him by my side until it backfired terribly."

It felt like I pushed one too many times and everything I had fell apart in front of my eyes.

"Were you really trying to kill Nixon?"

"Not kill, just injure. Though, that isn't much better looking back on it. I thought that if I could just temporarily get him out of the way then things could go back to the time I spent with Eli before you both came back to the pack. It was never my goal to kill him, but I should've known better. Especially with the Isaiah situation still on people's minds."

Thinking I could control revenge-hungry werewolves was another foolish mistake.

Nolan sighed. "You know, I spent hours thinking of what I would say or do if it turned out you were really here, and yet, I still feel unprepared," he finished, shaking his head. "The pack and I'm sure the council would want me to drag you back to receive an official punishment, likely death, but...I get it. I may not completely understand you, but I get it. I get the fear of watching your life fall apart, losing everything you care about, and not being able to do anything about it."

"I'm sorry," I said, realizing that despite everything, I'd never said those words to him or Nixon. I said them to Eli, but the timing wasn't right and I was positive he didn't believe I meant it. "I am sorry, Nolan. I mean it. I'm sorry for putting you in a difficult position and then leaving; I'm sorry for making you worry about your brother; and I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend and gamma to you."

"Thank you for that," he said to me. "Though, I don't think I'm the only one who needs to hear those words."

"If Eli will let me then I'll say it to him too," I answered. "As for Nixon, that's more difficult but...I'll try if he'll allow it."

That was a very big if. Most of the time, interactions with Nixon and I just devolved into fights and that wasn't what I wanted. I was tired of going around in circles, arguing over the same issue with different words or actions.

"You've changed since the last time I saw you," Nolan noted.

"I don't want to be the same person I was," I replied. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable and I don't want to put my mate through that. I'm trying to not be a bad person."

I'd seen truly bad people during my time at The Rogue's Den. People who had committed heinous crimes and were still trapped in that cycle of causing pain and suffering. I didn't want to hear that person. I'd sooner die.

"I think you're on the right path. I mean, helping those children was already a big step forward. I just hope you'll stay on track this time around."

"I will," I confidently responded, knowing I had a mate at home who had no problem knocking me down a few pegs otherwise.

"Atlas and I are going to go back to the pack. I can't speak for everyone, but we'll stop trying to find you. Just don't make me regret it, Fen. Don't make the same mistakes twice."

"I won't," I promised, to both him and myself.

The three of us started the walk back to the house and my mind drifted to Eli. Making amends with Nolan was easier since he hadn't been the one directly affected by my actions, but Eli? That was a different story entirely. I had no idea how Eli would react, or if he'd even give me a chance to explain. But I had to try.