band-aids don't fix bullet holes

me, myself and I

Here's a little about me and why I chose this particular story line:

My name's Tanisha, I'm 20 and I'm currently studying to become an elementary school teacher. English is not my first language so bear with me 😅
I'm absolutely in love with Taylor Swift and her music!
I used to be on wattpad a lot when I was a teenager. I loved to write and read fanfictions about Bechloe (Pitch Perfect) and even if I still love them and the movies, I have grown a little bit out of it. However, I discovered Taylor (I have always known her but I didn't really acknowledge her when I was younger) and soon started reading fanfics again. I swear I have become obsessed. Taylor Swift fanfics are literally the secret gardens in my mind and I love to go there, oh I wish I could stay there forever. I got plenty of inspiration throughout reading and couldn't keep myself from writing my own story any longer, so here we are.

(Maybe TW?) Despite it all, life's not always been easy. I began to struggle with self-harm when I was 13, suicidal thoughts slowly making their way into my head. I had it all planned out...my mom found out and I ended up in the psych ward tho. The following years weren't any better, fell in and out of these too familiar habits. I don't know when but some day I managed to become clean. That was until the pandemic...
I figured I could use the time to lose a few pounds. I started skipping meals, started exercising more and quickly noticed changes. Oh what a high that was! So I kept going and going. I truly felt amazing. 'Just a bit more' was what I kept telling myself.
When we were allowed to go back to school, so many people complimented me on my body and suddenly I started to make friends. Suddenly I wasn't the odd one out anymore and that's what just pushed me to keep going. I didn't realize the extend of it, I just loved the control. It was the one thing I could control in my life and it was the only thing that mattered: to be as skinny as possible, to prove that I could do it, to prove that I was worth something.
Things quickly got out of hand and not even therapy helped and whenever I looked into the mirror I felt huge no matter the weight. I don't know how but I managed to push through graduation, which was a wonder given my physical condition, but right after, I needed to leave for treatment. Eight weeks, far away from home. It was heaven and hell at the same time. I never gained the weight I was supposed to gain because I didn't WANT to get better but after eight weeks I couldn't bear it anymore so I went home. Back home was where I reached rock bottom and for the first time truly realized: it's recovery or death.
Long story short: I chose recovery. It's been a long road, many tears, a few relapses but here I am...three years later and 25 pounds happier and actually enjoying life. It took until this point for me to actually realize how sick I was, it's insane I had never seen it before. It needed to "click" in my mind. It eventually did and I couldn't be more grateful. I couldn't be prouder of myself. Of course some thoughts may never leave my mind but I've learned to push them aside. Now there's enough space in my mind to actually live. I'm no longer in survival mode.

The point is: Writing helps a lot and it really helps me reflect so that's why I choose these sensitive topics (some my own experiences, some made up). I wanna raise awareness and I wanna show that life's not always unicorns and rainbows. And we all love Taylor so maybe it help you and me, seeing her go through tough times, to realize 'Wow what am I actually doing to myself (or did)?'

(I'm not accusing Taylor of having done or experienced anything discussed in this story!)

Last but not least: You're all beautiful in your own way. You are so loved and you are so strong. I believe in you, you can do it, even with a broken heart. You are so worthy, so please don't ever doubt yourself. Hold on tight and stay strong.❤️

I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to!
(insta: @tan.spam_)

P.S. In case someone's wondering what I look like ⬇️(don't worry no triggering pictures ☺️)

yup that's me enjoying my pasta, thank you and now have fun reading!!!

(Maybe leave a nice comment, not for me but for anyone who might be sliding into this comment section and needs to hear some kind words. It's never wrong to put a smile on someone's face!!)

xoxo💋
Tanisha