"What happens when the person you thought you could trust turns into a full blown nightmare... Will you ever be able to heal from the damage? Will life ever be the same again? Well, does love even exist?"
Taylor and Joe have been in a relationship f...
Chatting with the dancers is a great distraction and I almost forget about the food I ordered until half an hour later when the waiter comes around with the first dishes, including my salad. A little wave of relief washes over me as I recognize the dressing is indeed on the side and not on top. Once everybody got their meals, the nightmare begins, as the table fills with delicious aroma and vibrant colors. My friends dig into their food with enthusiasm, but I simply stare at the plate in front of me, a neat pile of greens, quinoa and a few cherry tomatoes, the dressing in a little cup on the side. Looks safe, right?
I pick up the fork, hovering over the plate, before carefully poking into a tomato and lifting it to my mouth. Tomatoes are mostly made of water, aren't they? I chew slowly, counting every bite, trying to ignore the screaming voices in my head, which are no longer Joe's but my own. As I finally swallow, my insides twist, carefully adding up the numbers of calories in my head as I proceed to pick up the next tomato. Completely trapped in my own mind, I lose track of the multiple conversations that surround me.
"And how do you like the dressing?" Kam snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Uhm...I haven't tried it yet..." I force a chuckle.
"Then go ahead, you'll be surprised!"
Hesitantly I load my fork and cautiously dip it into the, apparently famous, dressing, making sure as little as possible sticks to the salad on my fork. The black backup dancer watches my every move, impatiently waiting for a reaction. However, all I can feel is pure fear, covering the actual taste of what I'm currently chewing.
"It's good yeah...something different..." I reply causally after swallowing, immediately earning an 'I-told-you-so' smirk from the man.
The rest of the dinner passes in a blur and I manage to eat half of the salad, before the contents of my stomach seem to rip me apart from the inside.
"Are you okay? You hardly touched your meal..." Natalie asks concerned when I put down the fork and slightly push the plate a few inches away.
"I'm fine. I had a huge lunch after rehearsals and I'm still kinda full, you know? I'm sure I'll be hungry later but that's what midnight snacks are for!"
"Everything just tastes better at night, right?"
"It definitely does!" I agree. "Would you mind if I go to the bathroom real quick?"
"Of course not, go ahead." The redhead answers completely oblivious.
I get up and search for the restrooms, ending up asking a staff member for directions. Finally having found it and grateful that it's empty, I lock myself in one of the stalls, just as the tears start rolling down my cheeks. The familiar feeling of guilt and panic rises within me.
You shouldn't have eaten that!
Too many calories!
You failed!
Get rid of it!
With trembling hands I kneel down and lean over the toilet. For a moment I hesitate, the tears still stinging in my eyes, before I close my eyes and force two fingers down my throat, my body convulsing as I gag.
When I'm done, the whole (half) meal out of me, I flush the toilet and lean heavily against the stall door. My whole body is shaking, my stomach now hurting even more as I take a few moments to gather myself. I stand up and leave the stall, stopping at the sink in order to splash some cold water on my face, however, avoiding my reflection in the mirror, before taking a few deep breaths and returning to the table.
Luckily nobody is suspicious and I feel myself relaxing at the thought of how I just solved my inner anxiety. Soon all drinks are empty and I automatically pull out my credit card, Kam stopping me.
"It's on us, Tay. You always pay. Let us treat you for once."
"I-I...why...are you sure?" I ask a little taken off guard.
"Of course." Jan chimes in and I reluctantly put the card back inside my purse.
After everything is paid, we all get ready to leave.
"Who is down for ice cream at that café 'round the corner? For dessert!" Kam wants to know from the group, licking his lips in excitement.
"Sounds great."
"Yeah sure!"
"I was waiting for you to ask!"
"Let's go!"
"What about you?" The dancer turns to me expectantly.
"It's late. I should better get going, but have fun and thanks for dinner." I talk myself out of the uncomfortable situation, before waving my two security guards over, signalizing them that I was ready to leave.
"You're missing out! But get home safely. We'll see you on Wednesday."
I bid everyone goodbye and let security escort me to the car, which is soon on the way to my house.
-
"Thank you, El. Have a good night." I phrase while the babysitter is getting ready to leave. "Has everything been fine?"
"Perfect. She was an angel." The brunette replies yawning. "Goodnight, Taylor. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Actually no, you don't need to come tomorrow, I'm free."
She nods and then quietly slips out of the front door. I head up the stairs into the bathroom, peel myself out of the dress and change into some comfortable clothes, my natural locks already present once again. My eyes linger on the scale that's placed below the sink.
"No you'll just be disappointed if you step onto that thing right now." I tell myself, trying the resist the urge. As most of the time, I can't fight it, so I pull out the scale and step onto it. Once the number comes to a hold, I gasp in shock, before tears make their way down my face.
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Half a pound more than this morning.
Slowly the feeling of failure starts to comsume me, nothing making sense anymore. I didn't eat anything or at least I got rid of what I had eaten...Then why has the number increased?
Frustrated I step off the scale and kick it back to where it belongs, as I pull on my hair, trying to understand what is happening.
A/N: Intense again....sorry not sorry. Remember to reach out for help in case you're struggling with similar things!!
P.S. I'm so proud of that picture since I edited it myself...please let me have my moment, thank you😌
