White Olive Tree

65 • PTSD

Liangcheng in August is the hottest season of the year. The sun is everywhere, so bright that it dazzles the eyes.

Song Lisa  parked the car in the open space in front of the tube-shaped building in the cadre family compound. As soon as she got out of the car, she was hit by a heat wave and broke out in a thin sweat. She took out several large shopping bags from the trunk and went upstairs.

When she opened the door and walked in, the house was quiet, the curtains on the balcony were half drawn, and the living room was half bright and half cool.

Song Lisa  changed into slippers and walked in quietly. The door of the master bedroom was closed. Three hours had passed, and there was still no movement inside.

She put fruits, vegetables, fish and meat in the refrigerator, and oil, salt, sauce and vinegar in the kitchen. She packed up the expired items and threw them into the trash can downstairs.

When he came back, the military doctor came out of the bedroom. Song Lisa  went to meet him and took a peek through the crack of the closed door. Li Jungkook  was lying on the bed with his eyes closed.

The military doctor gestured to her and the two went to the guest room.

Song Lisa  gently closed the door of the guest room and turned back: “Doctor Lin, how is he?”

“It’s not optimistic.” The military doctor who had been in charge of Li Jungkook ’s psychological problems sighed and said, “I suggest sending him to a mental hospital.”

Song Lisa ’s heart sank. She was stunned for a moment, then dhe helplessly took out the remote control to turn on the air conditioner. She stood there holding the remote control for a while before asking, “Is it that serious?”

“It’s very serious. I’ve come across countless cases of military personnel suffering from PTSD, and his is the most serious. In the future, he will either kill someone or commit suicide.”

After he finished speaking, he added: “But very few people kill others. Most of them commit suicide.”

The air conditioner was blowing, and the hair on Song Lisa ’s bare arms stood up. “But… I brought him back from the East Country. He was very well behaved along the way and didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.”

The military doctor asked, “Really?”

Song Lisa  said nothing.

She stayed by his side all the way back. At the airport, she received permission from the Eastern Government but did not go through security check. On the return flight, there were no other passengers in the first class cabin.

“That’s because you can comfort him, and because he hasn’t encountered any stimulus. But once he encounters a stimulus, the world in front of him will immediately become a battlefield. Buildings are burning ruins in his eyes, cars are tanks, noises are gunshots, strangers are enemy soldiers, and perhaps a long umbrella is a rifle. How would he react in that situation? I think you should be able to guess, and maybe you have seen it.”

“I’ve seen too many soldiers like this. The war is over, but they can’t come back.” He said, “Because war never just takes away the lives of the dead, it also sucks away the souls of the survivors.”

Song Lisa  moved her lips and said, “Sending him to a mental hospital…can he be cured?”

The military doctor was silent for a moment, then said, “Send him to a mental hospital, and use drugs and control to suppress his spirit and reduce his mental activity. Then he may not do anything extreme.”

Song Lisa  was stunned: “So he can’t be cured? We have to lock him up in a mental hospital…for life?”

The military doctor did not give a direct answer: “When I was studying in the United States in my early years, I met many soldiers who returned from the battlefield. All of them had mental problems of varying degrees. It’s just that the severity of the problems varies. And for those with Li Jungkook ’s level, it is basically impossible for them to return to a normal life. You have to be mentally prepared.”

Song Lisa  leaned against the wall and said nothing.

“There is a word on the battlefield, survivor. Survivor seems to mean very lucky. But after seeing so many cases, I found that this word is a curse. Those who sacrificed were heroes, and it was all over, but it was difficult to survive. Gradually, as time went by, no one cared. Many years ago, I went back to the United States to visit a prisoner of war who escaped from the Nazis. He was a veteran of World War II. He was tortured and his body and mind were scarred. He spent his whole life in a mental hospital, and his memory before he died was still stuck in World War II. The day he died was Christmas, the streets were bustling, there was laughter everywhere, and it snowed beautifully.”

Song Lisa  listened to him for a long time, shook his head, and said: “A Jungkook  will not live a lonely life, I will always be by his side.”

The military doctor said, “Song Lisa , he can no longer distinguish between reality and illusion. His heart has never been able to return home and is still wandering on the battlefield of the East Country. Sometimes in his heart, you in the real world are even his illusion.”

Song Lisa ’s eyes turned red. She raised her head and said with a smile, “That’s why I can’t leave him alone.”

The military doctor said nothing.

Obviously, the girl in front of him did not understand the seriousness of the situation. Many family members were reluctant to send the patients to a mental hospital at first, but day-to-day care and a bleak future would gradually wear away people’s patience.

He said, “Anyway, I will come to visit you regularly and hope I can help you.”

“Thank you.” Song Lisa  said, “Thank you for your help, Doctor Lin.”

The military doctor left.

Song Lisa  closed the door and stood quietly in the porch for a while. She turned around and saw the half-closed curtains leaving a dark area in the living room. She walked forward and pulled the curtains open, letting the sunlight fill the living room.

She tiptoed back to the bedroom.

Li Jungkook  hasn’t woken up yet.

The curtains were drawn, the light was dim, he frowned in his sleep, his expression was a bit painful. He clenched his fists on his abdomen, tightly grasping the air-conditioning quilt.

Song Lisa  picked up the air conditioner remote control and turned it down by one degree. With a beep, Li Jungkook  opened his eyes instantly, his face alert, and was about to jump out of bed, but when he saw Song Lisa , he was stunned again.

His slightly raised head slowly fell back into the pillow, and the rise and fall of his chest slowed down.

He looked at her quietly for a long while, then said in a hoarse voice, “It seems like you are having a nightmare.”

Song Lisa  smiled at him.

How she wished that the past six months had been just a nightmare.

“I wanted to sleep with you, but I was afraid it would be too hot, so I lowered the temperature.” She climbed onto the bed, lifted the thin quilt and hugged him.

He asked, “Where’s my dad?”

“He is back in Jiangcheng. I said I’ll come see you next week.”

“oh.”

The moment he woke up, a thin layer of sweat broke out on his lips.

Song Lisa  stroked his sweaty lips: “A Jungkook , what did you dream about?”

He was silent for a long time, then said, “Many people died.”

Many strangers, and Jimin , and…

“And you.”

“But I’m not dead. Look, the wound on my neck has healed long ago. It wasn’t deep at all.” She held his hand and stroked her neck.

His hands were resisting, but she pressed them hard against her neck.

His breathing was rapid and his heart was beating violently. His fingers touched her scar and his fingertips felt the strength of the blood vessels pulsating in her neck.

“The wound has healed, A-Jungkook . It has healed long ago. It doesn’t hurt at all.”

Li Jungkook  stared at the scar for a long time, his eyes slowly moved upwards, and his fingers followed suit, touching her face and pinching it gently.

Song Lisa  suddenly understood and said, “You are not dreaming now, I’m real.”

She reached out and turned off the air conditioner. The wind stopped and the room became quiet.

On a hot summer afternoon, a hint of heat rose inside the room.

She turned over and lay down beside him, staring down at him. Her palms were hot and she stroked his neck, wanting him to clearly feel the warmth of her body.

She grabbed his hand and put it on her chest. Her heart was still beating vigorously, gently hitting his palm.

Song Lisa  lowered her head and kissed his lips.

His eyelashes trembled, and he felt a little awkward, but gradually, her familiar breath soothed him.

It was not a deep kiss, but a shallow one, with only lips gently touching and caressing each other, noses gently rubbing against each other, and their breaths entwined.

The sun shone through the gap In the curtains. The temperature inside the thin blanket slowly rose, and sweat gradually formed on the lips. She did not stop, and kissed him for a long time, with a heart full of attachment and care. He should be able to feel her beating heart and her warm kiss.

He felt It, so he put his arms around her waist; his lips responded to hers.

…

They fell asleep in each other’s arms and didn’t wake up until the sun set.

Song Lisa  got out of bed and opened the curtains. The warm sunset shone in, a patch of orange. The room was air-conditioned, alternating between cool and warm.

Li Jungkook  woke up, rubbed his eyes, sat up, and swayed his body.

Song Lisa  immediately went back to him and held his hand: “Are you dizzy?”

“Not bad.” He looked dazed, as if he hadn’t woken up yet.

“Drink some water first.” Song Lisa  handed him the cold water at the bedside.

He slowly drank most of the glass.

“I’ll go cook for you. I bought a lot of delicious vegetables today, including yellow croaker. The grandfather who sells vegetables said that they were caught from the river, wild ones.”

“good.”

Song Lisa  went to the kitchen, put on an apron, washed her hands and made soup.

Li Jungkook  got out of bed and slowly walked out of the bedroom, holding on to the wall.

The air conditioner in the living room was turned on and the air was hot.

He held onto the door frame, standing at the boundary between the cold and the scorching heat, and looked around. This seemed to be his familiar home, with the sunset covering the balcony, and all his clothes, washed and hung on the windowsill, swaying in the breeze.

He heard the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen and saw Song Lisa  busy inside. The aroma of steaming rice wafted over.

It tastes like home.

This scene was his dream countless times.

Not quite true.

Li Jungkook  walked slowly into the kitchen with unsteady steps.

Song Lisa  turned around when she heard the voice: “Why are you here? I’ll move a chair for you.”

She turned around and came out, moving a chair for him.

Li Jungkook ’s eyes were fixed on her, not moving for a moment, following her. Suddenly, he saw a tree standing on the balcony. It was a white olive tree, and in the sunset, its white branches and leaves were covered with golden light.

His chest heaved violently, and when he looked carefully, the tree had disappeared again.

Song Lisa  brought a chair over and helped him sit down. She grinned and leaned close to his ear: “Do you want to watch me cook?”

“Yeah.” Li Jungkook  responded vaguely and grabbed her fingers hurriedly like a child. They were warm, moist, and covered with grease and water droplets.

It wasn’t a dream. Dreams couldn’t be this real.

“My hands are so dirty.” She quickly pulled her hands away, bent down again, and put her cheek against his, “But my face is clean.”

Her cheeks were very soft, and her skin had her unique fragrance, which he was very familiar with and remembered very clearly. When she stood up, Li Jungkook  tilted his head slightly and his lips brushed across her cheek.

She smiled slightly, with a faint blush on her cheeks, and turned to fry the Artemisia buds.

Li Jungkook  sat in a chair and looked at her with a stubborn look for a long time; tentatively, he lowered his eyes and glanced at the living room floor.

The light poured in, and a long shadow spread across the floor, the shadow of the olive tree.

He immediately looked at the kitchen again. The stove was empty, just like his suddenly empty heart. But a second later, Song Lisa  flashed out from the corner. He took a quick breath and looked at the floor again. The tree shadow disappeared again.

“slowly.”

“Huh?” She turned around.

“It’s hot.” He said, “Close the balcony curtains.”

“Okay.” Song Lisa  ran out quickly, closed the curtains, and turned down the air conditioner.

The dish was about to be served, so she came back to serve it.

Li Jungkook  stared at her without blinking. Her face was flushed and there was a thin layer of sweat on the tip of her nose.

Outside the window, the scenery was completely blocked.

She cooked three dishes for the two of them to eat.

Li Jungkook  was too thin, so Song Lisa  served him some fish soup: “Try it first to see if it tastes the same as before.”

He took a sip, the fish soup was fragrant, and nodded: “It tastes good.”

She smiled and gave him a bunch of food: “I know you don’t have a good appetite, but you must eat all of this. Otherwise I will be angry, unless you don’t mind my anger.”

He curled the corners of his lips indifferently and said, “It does matter.” He then lowered his head and ate his meal obediently.

Song Lisa  was stunned for a moment, and actually saw his faint smile again.

“A-Jungkook ?”

“Um?”

“Are you happy that you came home with me?”

Li Jungkook  nodded and glanced back at the drawn curtains inadvertently, with the setting sun shining in through the gaps.

“slowly.”

“Um?”

He suddenly asked a strange and private question: “When did you… fall in love with me?”

“Don’t you know?” She glanced at him.

His heart tightened slightly: “…I don’t know.”

“When you rescued me in Su Rui City. After returning home, I looked for you for a long time. Later, I took off your mask at the airport. Do you have no recollection of it?”

“I remember them all.” He said.

“And you?”

Li Jungkook  said: “Do you remember going to eat hot pot with your colleagues and Shen Jennie?”

Of course she remembered.

“When you left that day, you smiled at me, but when you turned around, were you crying?”

Song Lisa  was stunned.

She was about to cry. She didn’t expect that he would notice that moment.

As for Li Jungkook , he couldn’t explain it clearly either.

For some reason at that time, my heart moved and felt a little painful.

After that time passed, I didn’t feel it anymore.

But when I thought about it again later, that scene was inexplicably and deeply engraved in my heart.

After dinner, Song Lisa  cleaned up the dishes and went back to the kitchen. Li Jungkook  followed her and never left her side.

“You’re blocking my work.” She laughed.

He then moved aside.

She chuckled, took the rag and went to the restaurant to wipe the table.

Li Jungkook  was standing by the sink, wanting to help her wash the dishes, when he saw the kitchen knife by the sink.

He looked at it for a few seconds and picked up the knife.

The blade is sharp and shines white.

A voice rang in his ears: “Song is dead!”

The gunshots, the necks, the piles of corpses, her face turned pale.

A sharp knife, a child, laughter, and Jimin ’s face covered in blood.

Killing, death, heads, piles of flesh and bones.

His mind was wandering and he didn’t know where he was at the moment.

In a dream?

Pain……

The pain in his limbs and bones was piercing…

The knife in front of him was suddenly pulled away by Song Lisa .

He came back to his senses.

She blanched and quickly took the knife to the cutting board farthest from him.

The kitchen was dead silent, with only the sound of air conditioning blowing in the living room.

She lowered her head, stood for a while holding on to the sink, and suddenly rushed up to hug his waist, causing him to stagger.

“A-Jungkook , don’t touch these things in the future, okay? Scissors, razors, knives, don’t touch them, okay?”

He held her warm, shivering body in his arms.

“I know you’re feeling very sad, and I don’t want to say things like ‘it will get better in the future’. It doesn’t matter whether it gets better or not. Even if it doesn’t get better, it’s okay, right? Just… don’t touch those things, and let’s just move on slowly, okay?”

He nodded. "Okay.”

Li Jungkook  was still very weak, so Song Lisa  helped him take a bath and put him to bed to rest early.

At around seven o’clock, Chen Feng and the military doctor came. They were all familiar to Li Jungkook , so he did not show much emotion.

The doctor did not discuss any of his medical conditions in front of him. He examined him step by step, changed the medicine and gauze on his leg, and gave him a heart-strengthening nutritional injection.

Chen Feng looked at him lying in bed with a look of heartache on his face.

Li Jungkook  suddenly said, “I’m sorry.”

Chen Feng was stunned, his eyes turned red, and he said, “What are you talking about!”

Li Jungkook  said: “Your cultivation is in vain.”

Chen Feng said anxiously, “No one would feel good if an accident happened. You have performed very well. We secretly sent out 13 special forces soldiers, but only 9 came back. Ah Jungkook , it’s good that you can come back. It’s good that you can come back.”

Li Jungkook  didn’t say anything, as if he was a little tired, and closed his eyes.

The doctor finished the treatment, left the bedroom, and said to Song Lisa :

“His health is too poor. After a few days, when his condition has improved a little, he will go to the military hospital for a full-body check-up. After getting comprehensive data, we can decide how to treat him based on the actual situation. I guess… it will be a protracted battle.”

Song Lisa  said, “Okay. I’ll take him there.”

She walked them to the door and said, “Coach, I’m afraid A-Jungkook  will come looking for me, so I won’t walk you downstairs.”

“It’s okay, keep it.” Chen Feng said, and stopped in the corridor. After watching the doctors go downstairs, he took out some documents and cards and handed them to Song Lisa . “AJungkook ’s allowance card is with him, and his salary has always been paid according to the captain level. This card is for disability allowance, which is also paid monthly. As for his illness, the medical expenses are all borne by the army. These are the relevant contacts and information. If you have any questions, please speak up in time.”

Song Lisa  took it: “Thank you.”

Chen Feng looked embarrassed, hesitated for a moment, and finally said: “Although his position cannot be promoted now, but when he gets better one day, there is still hope that he can continue to serve…”

“Instructor,” Song Lisa  interrupted him, “Let’s talk about the future later.”

“Okay.” Chen Feng nodded with difficulty and said, “Even in the future… no matter what, his various subsidies will increase year by year. A-Jungkook …”

“Instructor, I will not leave A-Jungkook . He is not a burden.”

Chen Feng said: “It’s hard for you.”

Song Lisa  said: “It’s not bitter. I just feel that it’s unfair to him.”

Chen Feng was speechless.

“But it doesn’t matter. He’s still alive, and I’m grateful.”