It Doesn't Even Matter

The friendship bet

I can tell Mom's trying a lot more but that I also hurt her a lot. It's been making my stomach sick. We've hardly been talking all week and can't seem to look each other in the eyes when we do. I want to apologize to her for what I said and tell her I was just angry, that I took it out on her and didn't mean any of it. Only every time I try to it's like my brain malfunctions. I can only get as far as the word mom before I'm reminded of all the things she said back and my heart hearts again. It's like tripping, I start a sentence and fumble the rest out of pain. Still, she's been insisting on driving me to school herself and even gave me a business card on Tuesday for a therapy clinic saying that my appointment was on Friday. That should mean more to me than it does. If this was six months ago or even a few weeks ago then I think it would have. Friday came faster than I thought it would and I'm antsy all day at school. When I got here on Tuesday the chatter in the halls seemed louder than before and more aggressive. It's taken the rest of the week to get to a place with it where it's either not there or my brain doesn't feel the need to stop and listen when it is. I can handle ignoring things as long as people keep ignoring me.

Walking to my locker after lunch I feel completely drained and seeing Britt standing there waiting for me doesn't help the feeling. "Um hey, what's up?" I pull my hood down off my head and try to act less irritated than I am.

"Hey, long time no see, we've been missing you at lunch."

"Right very convincing after the other day." Her face scrunches up and I feel bad right away. Just because I don't want to be having this conversation doesn't mean I should be a jerk about it to her and I know it. I wish she had been less kind so I could blame my resentment on that instead of her overstepping by clearly trying to do a nice thing. "I'm sorry that was rude. I'm just not sure exactly what this conversation is supposed to be."

"An apology, I'm here to apologize if you'll let me?" I don't say anything so she continues. "It was fucked up what they did and said to you the other day and I should have come to talk to you before now but-" Britt pauses a moment looking down at the floor and taking a deep breath before she continues. "But I've been a cowered because I know I'm to blame too. I could tell you were uncomfortable and I got defensive for you instead of thinking about what you'd want. I only made things worse. I just kept pushing trying to fix things when I shouldn't have been. I'm sorry. That was wrong of me and I'm sorry."

"It's- thanks, for apologizing. I know you meant well."

"That doesn't make what happened and how I contributed to it ok."

"I know."

"And I should have apologized before now." She rushes out at me before looking down at the floor again. "I just didn't know if you wanted me anywhere near you."

"I..." I find myself trailing off on the syllable because I'm not sure if I did.

"We aren't sitting with the others anymore. McKenna, Jake, Simon, and...." We stand in silence for longer than it feels like we should be with her not finishing her sentence.

"And?"

"And Drew."

"What?!"

"Honestly I don't know a lot about where Drew and you are at after the other day or how much you have been talking. But he's been defending you like nonstop." That couldn't be right. Drew and I have been avoiding each other as much as possible. I had guessed that we'd come to some sort of silent understanding, that I wanted nothing to do with him and he didn't want to get farther on my bad side. Only now nothing made sense. "He apologized to us and we were super hesitant about it at first. Except then he nearly punched Wes in the hall the other day." What was she even saying right now? Drew had been defending me? I wanted to scream. Even if he'd suddenly grown as a person I didn't need to forgive him for everything he's done. He was still a shit person. "And I guess we all just assumed he had apologized to you too. But judging by your face right now I'm starting to think he didn't."

"He did. It was just self-serving."

"What?"

"You know to get himself to feel better. For me to forgive him so he can feel like less of a shit person."

"I don't think that's what he's doing. I think he just feels really really guilty Max."

"Ok, so?" We sit in silence again and I keep thinking she's going to end the conversation here and walk off.

"I get it, I'm not saying you should forgive him. Hell, I don't think I would be able to. But," Of course there's another but. "But I don't want you to sit by yourself every day at lunch because of him. I guess what I'm saying is we'd love to have you join us for lunch Monday and if Drew is going to make you uncomfortable we'll throw him out."

"I'm good." And for once I actually was. For the first time in a long time, I realized I would feel better alone than with people just because I was scared. I didn't think they meant it in a bad way, I'm not sure they even realize it felt like pity. I just didn't feel like I had to try just to avoid feeling alone. I knew who they were now and that was that. Part of me even felt relief in my confidence around the situation.

"Oh, ok. Well then I hope we can still be friends at least, and I promise it's not out of pity. It's actually the complete opposite, pretty selfish of me really. I'd just be devastated if you never let me play soccer with you again. I mean I have so much to learn from the master!" Britt starts to waver her hands up and down in a small bow motion and it's hard not to feel the small smile sneaking its way onto my lips.

"Yeah ok maybe."

"Maybe?!" She gasps dramatically. "I can't believe you wouldn't want to be my friend?! I mean I'm so cool! Just look at my sneakers! They have daisies on them Maxxie, DAISIES!" Now I am full-on smiling.

"I don't know Brittney I'm just not convinced your cool enough."

"OK ok! How about this, I bet you that by the end of next week I'll have us such good friends that there's no way you can deny how much you like me?!"

"Hmm I don't know, that's a big bet to make Britt." I say rubbing my hand under my chin like I'm thinking hard about it. She's laughing. Loud, people are staring, and for the first time this week, I just can't get myself to care.

"Let's shake on it then, by the end of next week I'll officially have you indoctrinated into the group of people who love me."

"Sure, give it your best shot." We shake on it just as the bell rings.