It Doesn't Even Matter

All the good worth all the bad

"Max, hey wait!" Jesus this was just my luck lately. I leave Therapy and immediately have to run into Sofie on my way out. "Max please I just want to talk!" Maybe if I keep my hood up and head low enough she'll think I'm listening to something. "Max," I can't help flinching away from her when she grabs my arm and I turn quickly to face her.

"Oh hey Sofie funny running into you here."

"Haha, very funny Max, now can we please talk."

"I-" I'm not sure I want to talk. I know I owe her a conversation but it's all still too raw. I mean it was only yesterday that I felt so cornered and afraid. I can't imagine letting myself fall back into this friendship so easily. I don't think I can trust her. I'll get too hurt. He'll hurt me somehow. My heart is racing and my insides feel jittery. No, I don't think I can, only I must have stopped and hesitated in my own head for too long because Sofie gently touches my arm and I'm reminded she's standing right here in front of me waiting for me to say something. "I don't think I want to talk to you right now. I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why, because of my brother? Max, please don't do this, don't put distance between us because he's a dick. I've talked to him about it and-"

"You talked to him about it, god what does that mean?" I say running a hand through my hair as I start to pace around the parking lot of our therapy clinic.

"Hey, seriously it's not a big deal, calm down and I'll-"

"Not a big deal! Do you have any idea the-"

"Hey guys, what's a, what's going on over here?" Drew says rushing over and clapping his hands together trying to be casual.

"Nothing Drew, we were just talking ok."

"Ok that's fine it just looks a little.... Um, stressful?"

"Yeah uh, I really appreciate you wanting to... talk things through, but we're cool ok, so don't worry about it," I say trying to sound collected and less shaky.

"No, we're not actually. We need to talk about yesterday because I don't want what happened to mess up what we have going on."

"Whoa, what you guys have going on?! What does that mean?"

"It means we were friends, and we're cool now ok? So we're good. But I am super sorry things got messed up and that I dragged you-"

"Dragging me into what? Ok, now I'm confused. What the hell are you talking about? Is Everything ok?" I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I don't think I can handle this conversation and I didn't mean to get my wording wrong and pin things back in my direction.

"I just mean that I didn't mean to cause problems- to cause stress between your brother and you. I'm sorry I did."

"Is, is that what you really meant Max?" Sofie says as she tries to put a hand on my arm and I move back not letting her. "You know you can talk to me right?" I inwardly shrivel and do my best not to show it.

"That's honestly what I meant Sofie. But I appreciate it. I just don't need to be causing problems between you and your brother. Family is..." I look for the right word and I know what it's supposed to be, it's just not that for me. I'm hit with a wave of sadness, and I try my best not to show that either. I want to say that it's everything only no matter how hard I try I can't get the word out. I can't stop wondering if Mom feels the same. So I settle on a different word quickly. "Important, family is important."

"I know, but what we have is important too. I know it meant something to you too and then you just blocked me."

"Dude," I wince and am reminded that Drew is standing beside us listening in.