It Doesn't Even Matter

My person I know

Waking up after yesterday there's a calmness in my body that I haven't felt in a long time. Things seem to have stilled for once. My jittery bones and fragile mood aren't as present. The last two days have been more comforting than I knew I needed. There's a hint of hope in me that I'm trying not to let my thoughts linger on for fear I'll run it over. If I keep going into my day without letting this good feeling consume me, then maybe it will stay a little while in the background. Getting up, I get dressed and make my way to the kitchen. I'm actually hungry, that's new too. My stomach isn't in knots and I can feel it growling. Stepping into the kitchen, I'm met with the sight of Mom making pancakes. A lazy smile takes over my face. Mom's making pancakes on a Sunday morning like everything is normal. I like that. "Good morning." Drew spots me and the fantasy I had momentarily let myself step into crumbles. I was getting too comfortable. We will leave soon, I have to remember that.

I have only ever made the mistake of believing once before when I was six. He seemed great. Mom told me he was the one and I believed her because I was six, stupid, and she was my mom. They dated for a while. He came around a lot for dinner or to watch me for Mom when she was at work. He even took me to a baseball game once. It was the coolest thing in the whole world at the time. Then we ran into his wife and son on our way out. Yeah... there's a pattern. Mom falls in love a lot and never with the right type of guy. Some guys screamed at us, some guys openly cheated on her in our apartment, and she always stayed longer than she should have. Then we should have, it's my fault too. Being married wasn't really the worst thing that her boyfriends could end up being. Me believing in there being any sort of normalcy was the worst thing that could happen.

"Good morning." Clearing my throat I take the seat next to Drew at the counter and try to focus back in on the now and getting to spend this time with my mom as she makes pancakes.

"Good morning sweetheart! How did you sleep? You were out pretty late last night, I didn't get to see you when you came in. Did you have a good time?"

"You went out last night? Where'd you go?"

"Oh, you didn't hear? Max went out on a date last night with our good friend Brittney." Sam says sitting down at the table behind us and continuing to text on her phone. Drew's face scrunches up and Mom lets out a high-pitched squeal that hurts my ears.

"Oh, honey you didn't say it was a date!"

"No! It wasn't a date! We're just-"

"Pretty defensive for it not being a date."

"Shut up Sam. Brit would never go on a date with him." Drew spit out his words with so much hostility. I can tell it's not really towards Sam but directed at me.

"And what do you mean by that Drew?" Mom's voice is too calm. She's stopped flipping her pancakes and I can tell she's more upset than she seems. I was having a fine morning I don't need this becoming a thing.

"Mom it's fine. Anyway, it wasn't a date so it doesn't matter. We were just..." I lower my tone and pause without meaning to. It feels uncomfortable calling her my friend. I wasn't totally comfortable with the word yet. Not just with her but in general. It had been a long time since I let someone in that much. "We were just hanging out as friends. We're friends." The word slips out, but it still sounds funny and slightly foreign to my ears.

"Oh." The room is filled with a tense silence where no one says anything. Mom goes back to flipping pancakes, and the only sound in the room is Sam texting. "Well that's fine too, it's good that you're making friends. She seems like a sweet girl, and she'd be lucky to date you." Sam scoffs, but I don't reply at all and the room stays quiet until a phone dings. I don't realize it's mine until it dings again. Taking it out of my sweatshirt pocket, I look down at the text from Brit and try not to let myself smile in front of everyone. -I TOOK THIS YESTERDAY BEFORE YOU GOT THERE. FIGURED YOU MIGHT LIKE IT AND SINCE I'LL PROBABLY NEVER CONVINCE YOU TO RISK YOUR LIFE WITH ME BY CLIMB ONE AGAIN, IT MIGHT BE THE NEXT BEST THING.🌲💚-