It Doesn't Even Matter

A lot to deal with

         I didn't really feel like talking to anyone after that, too bad Daddy Warbucks had to stop us in the hall as soon as we walked in. "So first day of school, very exciting! How was it?" I open my mouth but no words come out. Part of me knows anything I say right now will come out much harsher than it should and part of me isn't even there.

"Dad not right now okay." Drew jumping in to help me was the last thing I wanted. If I had to say who I hated the most in this moment no one else was even competition. I use the moment anyways so I can sneak past upstairs while they're still arguing over whatever was said last in my defense. I NEED to be alone right now. I need to not think of, oh god I feel sick. Today had made me sick. Running to the nearest toilet, I empty my already empty stomach. The acid taste only getting worse the more I puke up the little that was there. I try to fight my body but I only puke more. Still heaving I bring my legs up to my chest in a tight ball. Deep breaths, remember what the internet said, deep breaths are supposed to help this. Count. You can do- but I can't, my whole body is shaking and I don't even realize I'm crying until mom's wiping my tears away with her hand. As she sits down next to me with a glass of water and a piece of white bread, I don't even feel like I can look at her. The putrid feeling isn't gone and even though there's nothing left, my body has me dry heaving over the bowl.

"Hey it's ok, I'm here now, you're ok." She's running her hand down my back as she talks and it's soothing even though I don't want it to be. I'm still too upset with her for this. "I thought you might want some water." The last thing I wanted was for mom to see this. I really didn't need another lecture about getting help right now or to cause another fight with her over what she had said to Drew. I didn't want her anywhere near me. The betrayal sitting in the front of my mind is like an open wound and her sitting next to me is like it's being picked at. Pulsing forward the pain and the need for it to be addressed. She had spent nearly the whole weekend avoiding me, destroying our trust by telling our secrets, MY secrets to these people. Yet she was here anyways, rubbing her hands through my hair and singing lightly. "My poor baby," I want to be mad, I want to throw her out. It's just, I, I don't want to be alone anymore today.

A weak sob escapes my lips as I fall forward into her chest. "I don't, I don't. Mom I don't want to," My words trail off into themselves. "I don't want to feel so alone."

"Shh, shh, shh it's ok I've got you. I have you honey your not alone and whatever this is, it will pass. I have you now, and we're going to get you some help," And there it is.

"Why can't you ever just be there for me!" That's all I needed, that's all I had ever needed. But instead she'd continue to praise how self-sufficient I was until too many cracks broke the plaster and I became her problem instead of her child that needed her.

"What?!" Her tone is so shocked, so surprised that anything left holding me together falls apart. There was nothing, no acknowledgment or regret. Just hurt and surprise and a clipped tone I thought I could misread as anger if I thought about the sound of it too long. I was hurting her and I knew it but I couldn't help how I felt. Pushing off of the floor I back myself up against the bathroom wall and away from her. I needed to see her eyes when I spoke. I needed to know she heard me. I needed to see how she reacted. If she was going to act startled, defensive, or act deaf to my words, then I needed to know that that was how she really felt.

"You said we'd get through this but then you left me. You avoided me for a year! Whenever I said I needed you, you would hide behind this facade that everything was the same as before and that I would get better. It's always been the same. I fall back down and you say I need help that you can't give because the problem is too big. Then you walk away from me without even trying to offer support or be there with me while I try to get help for myself. I have to call our insurance about places that will take it, I have to figure out how much it will cost out of pocket. I have to figure out the back up plan. I have to take the bus to the youth center. I have to go to the cemetery alone!" I was fuming, it was all coming out and I couldn't pull it back in. "I have to figure it all out on my own. Then suddenly there's a man and you want to play family!" I let out a small strangled noise I don't recognize. "I want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy, and the worst part is- the worst part is you making me feel so much like I'm your burden, like I'm this thing that makes you sad, that I'd do anything to make you not feel that way. To make you happy. I'd do anything to just keep pretending as long as I can before the feelings strangling me again. Just to make you happy like things were before." I'm breathing heavy when I stop and the silence is ringing in my ears as I wait for her to speak.

"Honey, I-" Mom reaches her hands out to me taking a step forward but I slide along the wall sideways out of her reach. She's sobbing now looking between her hands and me. I feel like I've burned her and I can't take it. Even now I feel miserable over hurting her. "That's just not fair, of course I'm here for you. I've had to work so that we can survive but I'm your mother and I've never not been there for you. For you to say you've felt that way breaks my heart. I love you! You're my whole world! I would never want you to feel that way and I'll spend everyday showing you I'm right beside you until you believe it for yourself. I've always done my best and I'm sorry it hasn't been enough. You, you just have to understand that you- no!! Not you!! I mean- what you're going through is a lot to deal with." Everything stops. Thats it, it says it all and I can't feel anything again. I was a lot to deal with. Nothing is left in me to fight with her. I was just numb. I just want to go lay down but she keeps talking and suddenly I'm looking at the floor. "Being here doesn't change how much I'm going to be there for you. I just fell in love. I didn't plan it, it just happened and I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world. But you're my son and you're still my first priority. If anything being here will be a fresh start for all of us. To grow this beautiful thing together, to grow this beautiful happy life." I don't feel the impact of her words, not really. The air around me is staying in place and any emotion I've had about the day, about her, about this conversation, is all gone. "I'm still your mom, I'm still here for you. I love you." Lies. I was a lot to deal with.

"That's not true and you know it." I feel faint on my feet and the room spins slightly. I stumble towards the door. Mom tries to take my arm but I move it away again. "You ran away, you ran away! Your running away and replacing me because I'm broken. I've barley seen you since we got here. You say you're here for me but only when it's convenient or you'll look bad right."
Mom's face turns pale and I wish I could take this whole conversation back so it never happened. So neither of us could feel this pain inflicted by the other saying things we don't fully mean. So I could stop replaying her words in my head.

I'm just a lot to deal with, she's right. "Max I know I've been distant since we got here. I've been busy with the baby, you know that. What happened today? You don't really mean all of this, neither of us do. Please, I'm sorry, just tell me what happened sweetheart and I'll fix it. I love you." She looks so small all of a sudden, so hurt and dejected. I hated this feeling, I hated all of this. I don't want to hurt her anymore.

"I, I need you to leave."

"What, honey please don't push me away." Busy with the baby. That's what she just said. She was right, I didn't mean everything and even what I did I wish I hadn't said but... but I had. I need to get away from her right now.

"I, I'll leave then." Rushing out of the bathroom I pretend it's easy to get my feet moving again. I head straight to my room ignoring the fact that the rest of the house probably just heard our fight. Ignoring the rush of the room moving and the stars in my eyes. I couldn't care anymore. My head hurt from crying but I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face again anyways. Pushing into my new room I lock the door behind me and crawl onto the bed. My thoughts break off in their own direction. Closing my eyes tight I will myself to fall asleep. I just need to get some rest and all of these feelings will go away again. This whole conversation will be gone in the morning. We'll both forget it again like we always do. But the more I'm trying the less sleep comes and the more I just kept thinking. I didn't want to think anymore I just want to get some sleep. A knock on my door breaks through the room and fills the dark around me. How long had I just been lying here.

"Hey, are you up, I brought you some food." I hear Drew try the door. Sighing I stand back up on shaking legs and I move to open it. I need to eat something, even if I feel sick. I push the door open for Drew before sitting back down on the bed.

"I'm up," my voice feels stiff from all the yelling earlier. It's pitch black outside now and all the stars are out. How long had I been up here in my mind, how long had I simply drifted? The bed sinks down next to me, I barely look away from the window to acknowledge he's there.

"I just," he starts placing a bowl of tomato soup and grilled cheese on the side table next to me. "I wish things were different." I don't reply, I don't want to talk anymore and I have nothing I want to say to him anyways. Drew makes sort of a sigh noise before he stands up again heading towards the door and closes it behind him. I wish things were different too.