It Doesn't Even Matter

Babysitter

Sleeping. Its all I've been doing the rest of the weekend. Now that I had this gigantic bed I didn't bother getting out of it, and why should I. No one even bothers to check in on me. Other than when Drew knocks with food in the evenings for me that is. Something I'm sure mom put him up to instead of facing me herself. My own mom couldn't even be bothered with me. She made him do it instead. Maybe that wasn't true but without her even acknowledging me since I left dinner Friday night it sure felt like it. I feel so, alone. I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to do here, and whether I liked it or not I could feel my old patterns creeping back in.

Monday came around quicker than I would have liked and at six in the morning Drew was knocking on my door and barging in uninvited. Like why even knock in the first place if you're just going to enter on your own? Rolling over to face him I barely bother opening my eyes. "Up you go, first day of school today!" No way.

"You're so energetic about it for six in the morning but you still haven't convinced me. I'm not going." I mumble my reply into my pillow, turning back over.

"Ok then, well, I think your mom might have something different to say about that but I wish you luck."

"If she has something to say she can come tell me herself." I didn't mean the sharpness in my tone to show through the way it was but I was tired. It was too early and I was over it.

"Ok," Drew claps his hands behind his back standing still another minute to look over me before turning around. "I'll see you down stairs in forty-five minutes. Don't be late either because I'm your ride and we both know I'll get stuck here waiting for you if you are. I'm not get detention because of you." Mom probably wouldn't even come up here to argue with me, I could lay here all day until she let Drew go without me. Only I couldn't decide what would be worse, having to face that she wasn't coming and an angry Drew later on or having her come all the way up here wanting to talk about everything. Going on and on about patterns and giving in to fear with avoidance again. Insisting that was why I didn't want to get out of bed and repeating that I needed help for the millionth time like all of this was completely my fault.

Still I can feel myself sinking lower into my covers and settling into a place of empty thoughts and that half floating void of emptiness right before sleep hits you. It's better here. Safer here from the real world. I should just go back to sleep in my blanket cocoon. I was fine here just how I was. Even so, my promise to mom and my prompt disappointment by disappearing into this room all weekend has been nagging me the last two days, pulling at my insides till they felt raw. I knew this wasn't trying and mom had been so happy and then so sad. Then I just left her. I'd left her and she was letting me get away with this all weekend anyways. I was being so selfish. I have to get up.

My feet move before I can let myself sink further down and curl inward. Pausing at the closet long enough to spare it a glance I'm filled with dread. Its appearance only adding more discomfort to the swamp planted in my stomach of uncomfortable emotions. I am so completely unprepared for these kids at this school. I was only going to go to school today to avoid more confrontation, right? So why change? This would do. I wasn't exactly trying to impress anyone... or maybe I was. God what was I doing, feeding myself to the sharks. Maybe jeans were a little better than sweats. The t-shirt I'd been in for days and my old Converse would be fine. Let's just get this over with. I didn't care what these people thought of me, so why was I so nervous? My mind wanders back to the girl from the other day with the bright smile and loud laugh. Brit.

Brit was nice to me when she didn't have to be. When she had no reason at all to be and every reason to hate me immediately. I'd never met someone like her before, so confident in herself and unwavering in who she wanted to be and what she'd accept from others. Lukas used to be like that, confident about everything in front of him. Her's was a different kind of confidence though, she just felt so..., I could quite name it but the feelings were there. She was something special and it terrified me. Reaching down I smell my shirt and think about changing it again, I still can't actually bring myself to do it though. It just felt like too much for me to handle for some reason. Like this one thing could be the thing to push me over the edge and have me turning back around. What was I thinking anyways, she wouldn't care. She probably wouldn't even talk to me at all. Not after the other day. I can't help cringing when I think about the way her face fell and changed completely. Whatever, deep breaths, you can handle this Max.