It Doesn't Even Matter

DRAWING a blank

I was trying to figure out why this chapter was taking me so long to finish up yesterday/today, (it's 12:50 am now) and then I saw the word count.... so enjoy I guess. Oops! 😅😂
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All the weight I felt lifted off my shoulders seemed to immediately reappear when I saw Mom leaning against her car in the parking lot. "How was it?" How was it? The truth is I wasn't exactly sure how to explain how my appointment had gone. It felt weird to say good because the word didn't quite fit. It had been hard to talk about anything with her, and even though I got a little more comfortable, the things we were talking about were still a lot to face. I felt lighter but also a little rattled by everything. Plus I could never even imagine telling Mom to her face that I was working on my feelings around her and I's relationship.

"Fine, it was fine." I watch as Mom's chipper attitude deflates in front of me and she slumps slightly before pulling her shoulders tightly back.

"Fine, that's all I get? That it was fine?" Her tone is clipped in a way I know she didn't intend because she's trying to play off her hurt feelings in a jokey way. Opening the passenger seat door and sliding in I can already feel that this car ride is going to be an extra long one. "Was it helpful? Are you planning to go back at least?"

"I didn't know you were planning to pick me up." I avoid her questions altogether. It shouldn't be a big deal to answer them or at least tell her I'm going back. I know that. Except I'm reminded that I took the bus here and I'm angry again.

"Of course I was going to pick you up! I know how big of a step this is. I would have dropped you off too except I had an ultrasound this afternoon and then I had to go home to cook dinner for when Mark got there. He was able to get home a little earlier tonight. We thought we should all have dinner together." I can't decide what's making me more annoyed. Mark leaving Mom to attend her ultrasound appointment alone or the family dinner they had all agreed to have without me and didn't even mention. I don't say anything in reply. Mom reaches over the center console and squeezes my hand. I've noticed she's been doing that a lot more lately. I can't help thinking about what she must be seeing on my face that makes her want to. I stay on the thought a second too long and my mood plummets even further.

"Hey, I'm sorry ok." She says trying again a little softer. "I should have found the time in between things to drop you off. I promise I'll drive you next time. I'm sure you were nervous about this appointment, and you shouldn't have had to come here alone." I still don't say anything. I'm completely drained and don't have the energy or want to finish this conversation. We don't need to talk about this. It wouldn't change or fix anything. It wouldn't make a difference in how I feel. "At least tell me if you're planning to go back?"

Sighing I turn from the window to face her. "I have another appointment on Thursday, and no, I don't want you to drive me."

"Oh, ok." She seems a little surprised that I don't want her there and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I try to think things through from her perspective, except I'm drawing a complete blank. I sort of thought she'd be relieved not to have to deal with me or face things head-on. "That's fine, I'm just really glad you're going back!" She smiles but it's forced. I return it with an equally empty one not wanting her to feel any worse. We sit uncomfortably for a while with just the muffled radio playing between us. "That reminds me, while you were out a very nice girl came by with a package for you. One of Drew's friends, Brittney I think?"

My heart rate speeds up and the car seems even smaller. When I'd agree to attempt a friendship with Brit I never expected her to just show up at the house. To meet my mother. I could only imagine how much excitement she pushed on her about me having a friend. My stomach sinks. What if she told her something she shouldn't have just like she did with Drew? I thought I knew the person next to me better than that, but over the last week I'd learned my mom and I weren't on the same page about a single thing. "Ok. Thanks for the heads up. Did you, did you talk long?"