It Doesn't Even Matter

Oliver

I wasn't expecting getting Mom to let me go back to school today to be so hard. I wasn't expecting her to care so much. But now she's outwardly uncomfortable and verbally harsh and I'm mad again. Acknowledging my feelings wouldn't be so hard if they weren't so strong and fueled by her so often. I just feel like I'm constantly the bad guy. Sighing, I try not to actually take any of my anger out on her and be patient even though she's not listening to me again. "No, I said no Max. You aren't going back to school until we have worked out everything that is going on with you."

"Right, and based on your best judgment, given you clearly know EVERYTHING," I say extra loud and exaggerated. "going on with me, how long do you think that's going to take?"

"Well I, um-" she stumbles and I step around her towards the door.

"Ok, well I'm not sitting around here all day while you try to think of that number so I'll see you at three."

"Max I-" I close the door on her. I don't want to go today, but I don't want to be stuck here alone with her again either. It's a mixed bag. I don't want my hands to be shaking or my heart to be all over the place, I don't want to yell and be left feeling anymore empty because of her. Only that just seems to be how things work lately. I'm a mess and she's a mess and we both get hurt.

"Ready to go?" Drew asks coming up behind me with Sam. I hmm in reply and get in the car still feeling uncertain. This is it. I'm really doing this. Two days ago I was in the ER and now I'm just going back? What if- "Hey, you good?"

"Ha, couldn't be better." I laugh sarcastically.

"You know you'll be ok right? No one even cares. I mean, it's a big deal to you, just don't worry about it being a big deal to other people. It won't be."

"Right well, it is a big deal to me ok?"

"I know, I was just saying that-"

"Why is it a big deal to you?" Sam says jumping in like I would ever feel comfortable enough to talk to her about this.

"I.... I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Ok I get it, we aren't there yet."

"We definitely aren't there yet."

"Fair. But just know that sometimes people surprise you," She says in a sort of way that lets me know she's not just talking about herself. My pulse jumps and I consider jumping out of the moving vehicle we are in as opposed to actually making it to school today.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. It didn't mean anything she was just trying to be-"

"No, that definitely meant something. I heard it in her tone. Sam, what did you mean by that?" My leg bounces and my voice gets more anxious given Drew's avoidance.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Sam don't. You'll just stress him out more over nothing."

"If it's really nothing then you'd just tell me what it is as opposed to letting me build it all up in my head," I add feeling almost desperate for answers the closer we get to school. Sam glances back at me from the passenger seat and over to Drew.

"I'm going to tell him." She says just as the car parks.

"Don't tell him."

"Just tell me already." The distress in my voice must be abundantly clear at this point because Drew doesn't say anything else and only sighs as Sam turns back to look at me again.

"People might be thinking that you're some type of player bad boy now. Oh, and it doesn't help your case that Sofie slapped her brother at lunch. So all I was trying to say before was that I wouldn't worry about people bothering you. If anything you'll just get hit on a bunch and people will want to be your friend even more because you're so cool."