It Doesn't Even Matter

The second appointment

I wasn't allowed to go to school the next day, and it made the time before my appointment go excruciatingly slow. I keep telling myself that I'm not nervous and will be fine except the longer I sit here the harder it is to convince myself of that. She's going to want me to talk about all of this stuff I'm not ready to open up about, I just know it. Spinning around in my desk chair I almost fall off of it when my door is pushed open and Mom barges in unexpectedly. "Ok, I've decided that we're not going to do this anymore." She says putting her hands on her hips.

"Do what?"

"We aren't going to ignore things and then fight. We're going to sit down and talk about them."

"And then we'll fight? Great plan Mom, good improvement. Except for one thing, I talk all the time, you're just a shit listener." I say standing up and moving past her out of the room.

"Max please, if you would just, I mean I really am trying." My body tightens up but I don't let myself stop walking. "Max, I want you to let me in. Tell me what happened yesterday. Tell me what caused this and I promise I'll listen this time. You're right, I've been bad at it before but now-"

"No, not now. Not ever. I don't want to talk to you. I'm done trying to talk to you ok? So please just leave me alone." I say taking the stairs two at a time.

"Max I-"

"Please." I turn to look at her and feel so pathetic begging her for space. "Please mom, just, please leave me alone." I feel so helpless. All I've been wanting from her is for her to try and actually listen, to acknowledge things. Only now it just feels too late, too forced. I need to focus on me if I'm ever going to get better. I need to start trying to help myself. To start taking care of myself and putting myself before her.

"Ok."

This office is just as stuffy and cold as I remember it being last week. Only now as I wait I'm afraid of two things. Having to speak to my therapist and running into Sofie. Her number is still blocked in my phone. Everyone's still is besides Mark and Drew. I'm sure she's heard what happened yesterday with her brother. But when I asked Drew about it he just said I shouldn't worry and wouldn't tell me anything else. I tap my hands against the seat of the plastic chair I'm in, trying to distract myself in the rhythmic pattern I'm making. But no matter how hard I try I can't keep my eyes off of the lobby door and my thoughts off of Sofie. "Max." My heart jumps at the sound of my name and I barely feel any relief when it's Dr. Linda instead of Sofie because now I know I have to talk about everything.

Following behind her into another stiff room, no part of me feels capable of having this type of conversation. Something so deep and personal with someone I just met so quickly, how am I supposed to do that? I've never been able to talk about anything easily. Even growing up I never talked a lot if it wasn't to Lucas. "So Max how are you feeling today?" Snapping back to the room I'm in I find myself nodding at her and not say anything. She smiles gently at me and it surprisingly feels sincere. "I know we have a lot to talk about but I don't want you to feel pressured into having any conversation you aren't ready for or for you to push yourself too far." I nod again letting my shoulders sag and look down at the floor. "Why don't we start with whatever you would have liked to talk about today before yesterday?"

"What do you mean?" I say finally get words out.

"Is there anything you decided you wanted to talk about this week with me after you left last time? Anything that you thought you might mention today?" My mom. I had thought we could talk more about my mom but now it all feels sort of irrelevant. Like there are other things I should- shit. That's not a real word here. My stomach hurts it feels wrong still, like they want me to be ready to talk about things I'm- "Anything at all, and if you can't think of anything then that's ok too." I bite my lip so hard it hurts. Say something, no one knows what I'm thinking if I don't and this is... I'm supposed to be able to talk to her. Why does it feel like I can't? Like she's going to judge me.