It Doesn't Even Matter

You've got me

"My mom would kill me for skipping class." Oliver says at the exact same time I say that his mom would kill him for skipping. We stop walking down the front steps of the building and look at each other, him grinning slightly. It hurts to be here with him after all of this time. It hurts even more to be here with him without Lukas.

"Maybe this is a bad idea." I say it under my breath. I know he's heard me anyway when his face falls.

"I know you're upset but don't do this," he shifts his hands between us both. "Don't we mean something to you." I drop my gaze down to the cement steps we are standing on and start moving again without saying anything in reply. He knows how much he used to mean to me and he's right that I still care. Now more than ever I care, the feeling is distressingly raw and vulnerable. It hits deep into my chest.

"Where are we going?" The words come out of my mouth naturally and so does getting in his car. It's the same one I remember sitting in the back seat of illegally when his mom was teaching him how to drive three years ago. It's hard to process all the time that has passed in between then and now, and this is only a stark reminder of it. He's eighteen already and would have been on... on Sunday. Shit. That hurts too, so many plans made that we never kept. "Happy birthday." My voice is sad and I know he's heard that too because he has to clear his throat before replying.

"Thanks, I-" He cuts himself short on whatever he was going to say and starts the car up. "I should have said something to you last week. I was being a coward."

"Hmm." I'm not sure what to say to him about anything, definitely not his birthday. "Where are we going?"

"I... I don't know. The park maybe." I know what he means and I tense up.

"No."

"Look I-"

"No."

"Ok." The car feels even more quiet and uncomfortable than before. "Where do you want to go?"

"I, I don't know. Just not there. But tell me soon so I can text my mom or she'll worry."

"There's a taco truck nearby. Have you eaten?"

I snort out a short laugh because this is just like him. Always hungry no matter when we just ate or how late at night it is. "Dude it's eight-o-three in the morning."

"Is that a no because you aren't in the mood for tacos? I'm starving so we're stopping somewhere with food. You don't even need to get anything. But knowing you you didn't eat breakfast today so let's stop somewhere you're interested in too." And just like that, I'm irked.

"You don't get to do that anymore, you don't get to try to take care of me all of the time. You lost that privilege."

"Look I wasn't-"

"And while we're mentioning things you aren't allowed to do anymore don't call me smiles. It's stupid." I watch his face fall and his expression turns more empty.

"Ok. I won't call you that anymore if you don't want me to. But I'll never stop trying to take care of you. You-"

"You already stopped! Three years ago! You left and I hate you! I hate you! You left us and you didn't, you said you'd..." I trail off, my voice is louder than it should be in this small of a space, but my words don't come across strong enough to convince anyone I mean them.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that, for any of it." We're pulled over now and both sobbing. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Max I-" Oliver lets out a small whimper and stops talking altogether. Without thinking about it I pull him into my chest and hold him there letting him cry. I have felt so alone for so long but I had the extra time with him that Oliver didn't get. He didn't even know. He couldn't have known, and when he found out... shit how could he stand to even be in the same car as me.