It Doesn't Even Matter

Shove it down, cover it up, keep going

The bell for first period hasn't even rung yet, hardly anyone is here and everyone is already staring at me. I know it's because I showed up with Sofie and I'm trying really hard not to let it bother me. But there's an intense uneasy feeling that comes with all of the attention. There's an alarm going off in my head telling me it's unsafe to be here. One I'm too familiar with. One that makes me go back to days I'd rather not think about and start to panic that it's all starting over again. The same pattern repeating itself. I think if it does I might just snap. I'm not sure what direction I'd snap in, anger, fear or panic. I just know it wouldn't be good.

The group of guys across the hall from me isn't helping. They're watching me like a hawk as I lean against my locker and I stare right back. I decided to stand here long before they gathered, and I wasn't going to let them make me feel uncomfortable. At least I wouldn't show them they had. There's nothing wrong with showing vulnerability Max, it's just about letting your guard down around the right people. Lucas's words play over and over again in my head. These were definitely not the right people. They would attack if I let them, I just know it. I refuse to break our staring contest first or think about this morning with Sofie and how big of a gamble it actually is. This wasn't related. Letting people in wasn't going to damage me. I was picking good people, they wouldn't end up hurting me? These guys wouldn't either. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. Repeating the words in my head doesn't stop the hesitation around them. There's nothing wrong with showing vulnerability Max, it's ok to open up to someone. I was picking the right people... right?

Lucas made some mistakes, we both had and suddenly we were in the nurse's office waiting for his dad to pick us up. It wasn't a big fight, it wasn't a fight at all. Getting one punch in didn't count for much. But we'd been in it together. I needed to let someone in again. I just don't think I can handle the loss that comes with that decision, or the tortured feeling when it all goes wrong and disappears. When I'm left alone again who will I be? What will I have left if I have so little left of myself now? Who was I now? It's a question I get stuck on a lot and don't have an answer to. I don't recognize myself most of the time. But I decided a long time ago that was just something I'd have to live with because I'm too scared to try and rebuild.

They're still watching me. I continue to keep eye contact with the guys across the hall. I doubt any of these kids would do anything to me. Still, I didn't like the way all five of them were gathered there talking. They weren't even trying to be subtle about it. One abruptly moves to step forward like he's going to come say something and I tense up out of instinct. His friend puts his hand on his shoulder and he steps back again. I can't help raising one of my eyebrows at them trying to get their attention. It's a stupid thing to do. But I just want them to make a move already. I can't stand being watched. I can't stand the anticipation and waiting. I can't stand the unknown and the racing what ifs that form in my head because of it. I wish I wasn't such a coward so I could just walk over and ask what they wanted or straight up tell them to go away. Only I was terrified of what was coming next. My heart is going crazy inside my chest. They'd have to come to me. I need this to be over with, the sooner the better. I needed to definitively tell myself I was safe here and believe it again.

Sighing I let out what I hope seems like an unbothered or bored breath. But I'm just trying to figure out why it's taking the goddamn bell so long to ring. We must have gotten here a lot earlier than I thought we did. That makes sense, she has a whole cheer practice to go to. I'd probably find some corner to go draw in if it wasn't for the guys in front of me. They don't look mad, they just look sort of intense. Or maybe it's just the fact that there are five of them and one of me in our staring contest that's so off-putting. Either way it felt better to be locked in this battle with them here in the middle of the hallway with some people around than anywhere else. One of the guys off to the right says something to his friends and gradually starts making his way to me. I can't decide how much of my fear stems from rational thought and how much is just fueled by paranoia.