It Doesn't Even Matter

This is bullshit

I don't know when it happened, that I stopped caring all together. Maybe a year or two ago, when I dropped out of school to help mom or maybe before that when Lucas died. I don't know, its just that everything seems to cycle together and never get better. Everyday is basically the same, people look at you, ask how you are, but only so they can feel like they did, and not because they really care about you. Its fake. Nobody really cares. I'm alone even with mom around. All the people here smiling, wearing clothes they don't even like, listening to the same generic shit. Mom says I need help, she's probably right. One day something must have snapped in me because I stopped trying altogether, nothing mattered to me the way it used to. Everything is pointless, it's too hard. So now moving to this place, a place even faker than the rest, I know I'm utterly and completely screwed.

   "This is bullshit," I say turning my head away from the car widow and towards my mom as we drive farther into the bowels of hell or "Beverly Hills" as they called it. My mom never the most...put together women, had been having an affair with her married boss. This meant when he knocked her up and proposed, mom decided instantly to say yes and that we should move to Beverly Hills to live with him and his kids.

"Max, honey, this will be good for us, you'll see! We can finally be a real family!" My mom squeezes my hand not looking away from the road as she drives. Right a real family, how many times have you said that about the men you've been with? Was I not good enough for her? Were we not a family before? Maybe I'm too broken for her. Maybe I've always been, even before Lucas and that's why she always feels the need to find men to replace me with.

"Oh sure, a real family, I'm sure the man I've never met and his kids from the marriage you destroyed will just love us!" I snarl sarcastically. I know she's my mom but this was ridiculous, the whole idea of this guy even staying with my mom long, or us living here long was laughable. There was no comparison that could be made between the way these people lived and the way we had. Our one room shoe box flat had nothing on these mansions and if I had any money I'd bet that none of these kids had to drop out of school at 14 to get a job and help with the bills. Oh and the biggest problem here, even if you ignore all of that, is that they've only been seeing each other two months! So yeah things didn't look good. But then again when had they ever.

   "Max, I need you to try. OK, for me? I really love him, I just know he's the one. We are finally going to have a good life. You're going back to school and you'll have siblings, a father! I'm happy, for the first time in a long time, I'm happy honey, so can you please just try for me?!" She pauses talked to look over at me briefly and I can see the look in her eye that I know all too well already. So much passion and hope in her voice, she was putting all her eggs, all our eggs in one basket again. I wish I could have that type of hope about something, even for a second, even if it was doomed. "He can," she pauses trying again her voice strained. "WE, can get you some help baby." I wasn't some broken project for some rich guy to fix up so he could feel better about himself. I didn't need his money or her pity. I didn't need anyones, but especially not some stranger I'd never met only trying to help to get with my mom.

But still looking over at her now with her sad desperate eyes, I would give anything for them to fill with the happiness I had seen in them a few minutes ago. It had been so long since that light had been on her face. I loved my mom more than anything else in the world. Most of the time the only thing I could really recognize as a healthy feeling in me was my unwavering love for her. Even with the lack she sometimes showed back. It wasn't her fault. I was difficult and half the time she, we, were both so tired we looked through each other instead of at each other. She'd never been great at prioritizing me and it wasn't until after things got bad that I really saw her reflecting on that. Or I thought she was at least, until she started coming home less and less and we fought until I gave up completely with nothing left in me. Then her avoidance of me got stronger and she got pregnant. Another thing to push us apart. But nothing could change any of that now and if only one of us could have hope, I'd try and let her have it. I really did love my mom. So instead of saying any of that I opted for turning around to look out my window again and away from her. "Sure mom, sure, I'll give it a shot."

  We drove for another ten minutes before turning down a long driveway and pulling up to a mini mansion that looked nicer than the hotel I used to work at. My mom suddenly turns away from the house and grabs both my hands giving them a small squeeze looking like she might be rethinking everything. "I'm scared Max, what if they don't like me? I didn't mean to get with him, really, you know that, right? It just happened but I love him and so desperately want them to like me!" I glanced back at the house and then towards my mom. A gold digger. They would without a doubt think we were gold diggers. I tried to think of something inspiring or hopeful like we're in this together or it will all be OK, but that's not what comes out of my mouth.

"Fuck it." I announce pulling my door open. My mom burst out laughing.

"Fuck it," she repeats opening her door after me and stepping out of the car. "Oh, and Max please try not to swear in front of our new family."

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(Hi! So I'm really nervous to put my writing out there, but I figured I would go for it! Anyways thanks for giving me a chance and hopefully you like it!💗😬)