It Doesn't Even Matter

Brit and Maxxie

They had agreed the first team to get to ten goals won and that there would be no goalies. The game ended fast. Not even thirty minutes later and Drew was pouting at us like a baby. I felt great. I couldn't help myself smiling for the first time all day, for the first time in a while. "What the shit was that, he's supposed to be a nothing! What he has hobbies, he shouldn't even know how the game works." I can't help but tense up, as good as it felt to see him lose his words took everything out of it and stung. Nothing, I was nothing to anyone here. They saw me as nothing. My smile was gone. Nobody said anything for a whole minute and I didn't really expect them to. I knew what they thought of me but to have it verbalized like that and then left hanging there only confirmed it. I was alone here. Drew and me would never be brothers, we would never even be friends. My head was starting to hurt from earlier and I was ready to be done, with everything. Then she spoke.

"First of all Drew, nobody is nothing. Everybody, EVERYBODY has something that makes them them. That makes them come alive and be happy. Everyone has something about them that lights them up and lights up others around them. Even if soccer isn't his light for him, you shouldn't say that. Anyways knowing how to play and being good has nothing to do with money. Stop acting like such a tool and a sore loser. Redirect yourself back to the person I know you are." Whoa, she was, she's incredible. I wish I knew her name, but there is no way I'm staying to find out what it is with the way Drew looks like he could throw a punch any moment after her mini speech.

"Ok on that note, I'm uh just going to go but," turning slightly I give a weak smile directed her way, "thank you." Backing away from the group I try not to think about the mess behind me and just head back inside to my own space. I try not to think about the numbness in my chest either, or the fact that I don't have a light. Or the fact that part of me doesn't even care that I don't.

"Hey, wait up!" the sliding glass door is pulled back open again behind me and part of me feels froze in my spot wanting to turn around, but I think better and continued walking. She was trouble and I can't do trouble here. "Wait," her hand is on my shoulder and my body instinctually flinches away more that I normally would from the contact. But all the stress I've been under here has me exhausted and I'm sure she noticed it.

"I," Stepping back I turn around to face her trying to think of something to say that won't sound stupid. I can't think of anything though so I just go quiet. She pauses for a second too probably waiting for me to continue and then we just stand there a minute too long to be comfortable in silence.

She smiles, it's soft and gentle but also so bright and consuming. "I'm Brit," she says sticking a hand out in my direction. "well Brittney but that's so freaking girly so I have everyone call me Brit instead. Anyways I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, for dragging you out there with us. It was probably, or actually it was definitely a bad idea and I wasn't really thinking through your feelings around it. Drew was being a dick." She waits for me to take her hand, her smile is still there and it doesn't look filled with pity like I thought it might. It feels sincere and honest. I'm awful with people, especially strangers and I so don't want to mess up her kindness. Please don't be weird or awkward, just be yourself Max.

"I'm Max. Well Maxxie, but my mom must have been high when she named me because that's just awful. So I go by Max." It feels like I just won the lottery and not that I just made a bad joke the way her eyes crinkle up in the corners as she bursts into a loud laugh that filled up the whole room with its life.

"Maxxie, I like it. It's unique, but I know what it's like to hate your first name so I'll call you Max." For some reason I want to say that she can call me Maxxie if she really wants but I don't actually say it out loud. Trouble, I was getting myself in way over my head. I had to stop whatever these feelings were before they became real. I couldn't do real. "You should play with us more often. Don't let Drew discouraged you. He's not always like that, it's just a hard situation. I'm sure it is for you too. Anyways you're killer on the field, seriously like nothing I've ever seen! Where'd you learn to play?! I, I just mean, did you play growing up. I MEAN Like on a team?! Or go to summer camp for it?! Am I seriously messing up this conversation right now, because it's starting to feel like I totally am?" She speaks with such passion and energy like every word coming out of her mouth means something important to her and here I am standing here unable to feel something long enough to identify it, let alone hold onto it. I can feel myself shrinking back a little at the thought of telling her the truth. Like she might think less of me when the game means so little to me compared to her and I have nothing more to add to the conversation. Keep it to yourself, just politely decline and avoid the rest.

Sure enough the disappointment on her face is immediate. "No you aren't messing up at all! If anything I'm about too. Uh," I rush the rest out fast. "what I mean is thanks and that's a nice offer but it doesn't seem like the best idea for me to play with you guys again, and I'm not that into soccer." Brit's smile is completely gone now and she isn't even looking me in the eyes anymore. "I had fun though," I try again almost desperately, wanting to get back on a lighter note and fix what could have been a good thing, maybe even a friend. "So don't feel bad about inviting me. Really it was nice of you to try and make me feel included. I'm just probably not going to play with you guys again." Her mouth opens and then closes again, nothing comes out. Great. "But thanks, I mean you're really good too." At the end my voice comes out so much smaller than I meant it to.

"I-" Brit finally opens her mouth to respond but is cut off by one of the boys from outside calling for her to come back. "I should go. But let's talk again, OK?" She smiles and this time it does feels fake, not like her laugh but like she is trying to show the image expected of her. Like she's just trying to be polite, like everyone else. She is suddenly so closed off, and then, she's walking away.

"Right! OK sure let's talk again." I call off after her, but she barely turns her head back as she closes the door; and then I'm alone wondering where mom ended up. I'm alone again in this big cold house and I've messed it up with the first nice person here.