It Doesn't Even Matter

Rumors

            I guess I looked pretty pathetic. "What the hell is wrong with you! You're such a bully!!" Jesus Christ she was motioning towards me. I don't think I could ever feel more embarrassed than I did in this moment. I can see the pity as all there expressions start to change and my embarrassment turns to anger and then to fear. Fuck, they've all seen it. I look back at the ground trying to center myself. The world turns and I think I might pass out. I stager back a step and then root myself in place hoping my nausea passes quickly so I can move again. Everyone is quiet and I fight the urge to lash out at them all. I want to scream, I want to swear at someone, I want to break something. I want to cry. The world straightens a little and I take another step back but this time I'm going. Someone clears their throat and another boy speaks up.

"Fuck, you guys she's right. What are we all doing? I'm not condoning this shit. It's a messed up situation but this...." His words trail off and my legs aren't working again. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I guess I just, I want to here that there's hope. I need to know that everyday here isn't going to be like this. I keep my eyes look at the gravel under my feet instead of his face but I stay put. I know this feeling only I can't decipher which one it is anymore. Hope, self pity, desperation? I didn't need it. Pity ate away at you until it was the only feeling left and you were hollow. Until you felt like it was all you were good for. I couldn't be this desperate to make friends either, it would only hurt more later. Hope could be the worse feeling of all. Worse than pity because it was unpredictable. It was like a bad game of poker, the results were up in the air and you couldn't pick what cards you were playing with. The let down could be more than you could stomach and you don't get to decide when it sets in.

"Look, I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying I get where he's coming from. Drew shouldn't have been so harsh, but I don't trust him. Too much is being said and what we already know is true from Drew about this situation is enough for me to know that I'm not exactly comfortable with him joining our group." Christ I don't even know you! Any of you! What... what was being said.

"Wes seriously, you want to go off of rumors around school? You aren't that dumb, and no one is saying it isn't a bad situation or that Drew shouldn't be upset. But he's going to be Drew's brother and he doesn't know anyone here. When did we start thinking that supporting our friend was giving him a free pass to be a bad person, or that rumors were anything to go off of? I mean remember last year when the whole school decided Makenna had crashed her car just because her dad decided to buy her a new one? I think you all need to just get over yourself's." Britt's trying her best but I really wished she'd just stop trying. She hadn't meant to only every time she opened her mouth things got more complicated. I don't want to hear any more of there opinions, not today. Not even for the girl in front of me who was only trying to help. Or the guy who I guess, thought I was maybe ok now?

"It doesn't matter, thanks but I'm leaving!" This time I do turn. But she's on me quick, putting her hand on my arm before I can fully move.

"Stay."

"Brit don't, let him go. I mean I heard he has some serious issues. Not just stupid rumor shit either, like he's into some really bad stuff and we don't know him. This isn't like Makenna where we know it's an obvious lie." My eyes move to the black haired boy standing with their pizza.

"Oh yeah and I wonder who you heard that from." My eyes shift over to Drew but he won't look back at me at all now. He's dropped his eyes completely to the ground looking a little ashamed of himself. Bing, no wonder.

"Around school people are saying he has a past with the cops, something to do with drugs and apparently he gets really bad mood swings. Scary shit. They say we should be careful around him. I don't want that kind of trouble anywhere near me." People were say things about me already? Saying things like that. I didn't even get a chance. Memories, unwanted ones come flooding back to me. Memories I don't need, not now. I feel the pain in my chest as the thought suddenly hits me that even if I wanted to have friends here, I never would.