I Just Want to Be With My Wife

3 Different Gigs, But Don't Get Too Excited

"Okay, can I get serious for a second here?" Luigi asks the audience. "Bowser's war. The carnage, the endless nights." He pauses, then says, "No no, I don't mean getting killed by him. I mean going into hiding with my extended family until Bowser's been defeated once and for all. Seriously, Bowser, spend an entire day with my family. Don't bother conquering us, see to it we're completely fucking annihilated!"

The audience laughs.

"I'm in love with the subway guy." Luigi says dreamily. "You know the one. Subway approaches a stop, and he says, 'Stand clear of the closing doors, please.' So of course, you get out of the way, right? But what if you don't? I like to think I'm gonna see someone not stand clear of the doors, then see if he says anything different. I get some sort of sick thrill out of it."

Some laughs, but Luigi interrupts them, "The sick is because I'm watching it while drunk. I mentioned that, right?"

"My daughter got picked on at the park." Luigi says yet another night. "And I cannot tell you how angry I got at that little girl." A pause, then, "Not the bully, my daughter. Daddy's supposed to be raising strong Italian women, so I told her, 'Give her one right back. Play dirty. When in doubt, go for the hair. Go for the hair!' And let me tell you, the only time--"

"My mom says to me, 'How did you stay so skinny during our time in hiding?' I'm walking right out of that fucking building and screaming, 'HEY! Bowser! We're over here! Come capture us! Anything is better than this! I'm serious, this has to be the--'"

"Best drinking game I've ever invented." Luigi declares. "Take a swig every time you hear him tell you to stand clear. Then I run out of the subway to throw up on the platform. There's gotta be a patent, right? I need to--"

"Say nothing." Luigi says in mock seriousness. "When in doubt, say absolutely nothing, and hope no one notices a little girl has gone missing. Anyone asks, say she just went to the candy store. I'll even take you so you're not lying!"

As the audience laughs, Luigi pretends to be shocked, "Oh shit, she's alive! Damn, she's not gonna stay dead, is she? Check my pockets, look for--"

"Some reading material I was given. It had guidelines on what to do if Bowser were to officially declare war. One was not to bring anything into hiding that would give away your location." Luigi says, eyes wide. "You get what that's saying, right? All those helpless Toads running around screaming and waving their hands at the first sight of the giant turtle. If there was ever a reason to not declare war, that would be it. Come on--"

"Does the subway guy tell his wife to stand clear of the closing doors as he comes in her vagina?" Luigi wonders. "If you're actively trying to kill the mood, look no further. And guys? Most women we sleep with, they don't need the doors open. We just gotta--"

"Frame the neighbors." Luigi says. "We just killed a kid. And now we gotta take out the rest of the family too. Parents, siblings, even the cat. We can't cover it up."

As the audience laughs for the last time, Luigi smiles, "Thank you! Your applause is much appreciated. I'm your friendly neighborhood Mario brother. Good night!"

He bows to the applause, then walks off stage to join Mario at the bar.

"Amazing crowd." Luigi gushes.

"Guy back here didn't laugh." Mario points out.

"Didn't cough either." Luigi adds. "If they don't cough, they're listening."

"I asked him if he was deaf. Speaks better English than me." Mario's

still stuck on it.

"Mario, come on." Luigi doesn't get what the big deal is. "1 guy out of how many?"

"Everyone was laughing in Twilight Town." Mario says.

"That gig was awesome." Luigi agrees.

"And in that high end Club 64." Mario adds.

"That place was not high end." Luigi disagrees.

"Getting there." Mario concedes.

"Not even close."

"Short stroll."

"It was five pipes away!"

"Fucking Cranky Kong." Mario fumes.

"My career's at a standstill because of him." Luigi says with a sigh. "How long is this supposed to go on for?"

"Hey hey!" Mario shouts at BooHoo suddenly, as he just finishes introducing the next act. "BooHoo, I told you no juggling acts. As in never."

"Last I checked, you're never here because you're off being the Mario Brothers." BooHoo points out. "So I don't have to listen to you. Jugglers, knife throwers, even a clown!"

"Now I know you're fucking with me." Mario says testily.

"And if I catch you here again, I'm gonna start charging rent." BooHoo warns.

"Here?" Luigi repeats.

"Don't listen to him." Mario urges as he walks behind the bar.

"He's been staying the night." BooHoo tells Luigi. "I'm sick of folding his bedding."

Luigi whips his head around, "Mario, you can't do that!"

"Oh chill out." Mario assures as he slides a mug over. "I swapped my apartment with the Greek family upstairs."

"You what?" Luigi's head is spinning.

"I swapped." Mario repeats. "They're in mine, I'm in theirs."

"You moved an entire family into that tiny box?" Luigi asks.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you saw theirs." Mario winces. "Phew. Makes me feel bad for them."

"And if Cranky's thugs show up?" Luigi asks, getting worried now.

"I'm not gonna be there." Mario says like it should be obvious.

"Because the Greek family is." Luigi emphasizes. "That's not gonna work either. We need to fix this once and for all, preferably before someone innocent takes the fall."

"I know." Mario agrees in resignation, as BooHoo floats out of the bathroom, holding up a piece of clothing.

"Are these your boxers, Mario?" BooHoo says in disgust. "You left them in the bathroom."

"Fuck!" Mario snatches them away.

"Next Christmas, expect to see a lot of underwear in your stocking." Luigi jokes, drinking from his mug.