Dainty and Dauntless

Make it stop:

I can't breathe yet I still inhale. I exhale and it feels like my hope just withered. I fill my lungs again and tug at the part where the hurting streams. It's still beating. Why is it still beating when it's broken apart?

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Heartbreak is a profound emotional experience that leaves an indelible mark on the soul. It is a visceral and often overwhelming sensation that encompasses a range of emotions, from acute pain to numbness, and from sadness to anger.

At its core, heartbreak feels like a deep, gnawing ache in the chest, as if a physical weight has settled upon the heart itself.
It is as if the mind struggles to comprehend what the heart already knows: that something cherished and integral has been lost.
As the reality of the loss settles in, heartbreak evolves into a more acute pain.

                                 ...

Being at home, Natalie struggled hard not to lose sense of orientation and direction. Some routines felt meaningless now. She wrote less_ lesser than nothing. The spark to sketch had blown out with the hope crushed after that night.
She did try to look through her scrap book. She felt useless. All her creations now looked like a collection of mockery to herself.

Natalie disliked them.

"Is everything alright at school dear?" Mrs. Simmons asked Natalie as they were clearing the table that evening. "You are too silent, not that you talk a lot, but you seem troubled."

Mrs. Simmons, known by Natalie as mum, was also disturbed by Natalie's significant decline in her studies. "I can tell that something is wrong, so wrong."

Natalie was debating about whether to tell Mrs. Simmons about Ethan. she had allowed herself to be so immersed in the idea of him and her together. Then came the rejection which had almost killed her. She had almost forgot why she was at school.

"I am so sorry mum. I won't let this happen again." She felt bad for letting her mum down. She began crying.

Mrs. Simmons hugged her daughter who was shaking in tears. she believed her with her every being. As Natalie squeezed her eyes shut, she wished to tell her mother about how a one Ethan Valer was crushing her soul brutally.

Natalie aimed to be more focused, and she did get some moments of clarity, stripping the pretense and revealing some truths to herself.
Elise had been such a friend, talking to her, comforting and trying her best to make her smile. Natalie had loved her even more.

It perplexed her how she craved for more from people, how to handle it if they didn't. Natalie had felt betrayed by her peers. Who had known how humorous banter and jolly sarcasm can isolate a person from giving compassion and knowing empathy?

As much as the idea of love goes, Natalie thought it as a feeling uncontrollably daring. She had watched Ethan at that assembly, conceited, something that she loathed in a human, yet she had gone on to seek interest in him.

"He can't be that bad. There is got to be some vulnerability in him." She had convinced herself time and time again. With every glance she did see the vulnerability. 

A façade? An illusion? A lie? These were questions that made her doubt her judgement. Ramh was not helping at all either.

Natalie couldn't trace back to when she had fallen for Ethan Valer. Was it when he had smiled to reveal his side tooth gap or when he had seemed fed up with the world. She had almost forgotten. That reminded her of that incident.

It was one chilly Friday evening a year ago. She had lent her scrap book to Garf the day before and he was to return it that day. Unfortunately, he had left it with a friend from another class so he had hurried off to fetch it after class. Natalie had returned to the dorms then come back later. She had taken long and was a few minutes late.

As she had approached the room, she could hear two voices talking inside. One was Garf's and the other was too low to recognize at the moment. Garf was cackling. She had made her way in the room then. A chill passed through her body when she caught Ethan standing at the front. He had turned his neck to look at her.

"Hey Natalie, you will not believe this." Garf chirped, the look on his face amused. "Ethan over here wants to end his life"

"What?" Natalie asked horror slowly creeping up on her. Was Ethan, okay? She looked back at Ethan who scoffed lightly and turned his back towards the room.

"Life just feels meaningless now". She heard him say and lean his head on the board. If she hoped to change his mind about this, she would have to speak directly to him. She had gone over to Garf, received her scrap book and turned to look at the boy at the front.

"There is more to this life Ethan. You haven't known all the beauty it has to offer. Ending it would be such a waste. There are people who love and treasure your existence. For their sake, please keep living." Natalie had walked off to the door and didn't look behind. As she got far from the classroom, she had heard Garf's ridiculous comment.

"I don't really care Ethan. If anyone cares about you that much. . . then its Natalie alone." 

She had run as fast as she could to make sure not to hear what Ethan had to say about that. She thought it better like that. Uncertainty.

Yet now she felt she was certain she couldn't have a chance with him. It hurt her so much. She wanted to be with him, to reassure him every second that he was the most meaningful thing in her life.

Why couldn't he see that? Has he no eyes to see that she adored him with every shameless stare he had caught on? Can one just erase the love built up over time and move on like there was never a spec before?

Natalie sniffed and rubbed the tears off her damp cheeks. She was not ready to let go but she was going to try.

"Let's have it your way then, Ethan"

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