Dainty and Dauntless

You drain me:

I look at you and I think I love you. I really love you from the depths of nowhere. You look at me and I hope it lasts, but then you look away. Gosh, I hate you so much.

🌷🌷🌷

Natalie sat on the bed by the window in her dorm, absently stirring her coffee as she stared out at the rain-slicked surrounding. Her reflection in the glass seemed distant, a ghost of her usual vibrant self. She was wrestling with emotions she couldn't quite name, feelings that muddled her thoughts and unsettled her heart. Every day with Ethan brought a whirlwind of mixed signals that left her confused and, increasingly, self-reflective.

One day, he would send her long stares that hinted at something more, his greetings filled with a warmth. The next day, he would pull away, acting distant and nonchalant, as though their previous encounters had never happened.
Just the other day, Natalie had literature class and, Ethan, who doesn't take the class had left. She had then taken her seat, prepared her notes and was patiently waiting for Mr. Hobbs to arrive and get the lesson started. She was reading through her poem extract for the day when someone entered the classroom. She had thought it to be the teacher but it had been Ethan. He had glanced at her for a second, looked around the room and headed for his seat. Weird!
As much as she was very curious to know why he had showed up, Natalie had known better than to keep her eyes on him, so she got back to her book. He had stood up, making Natalie lose all concentration and focus as much as she could to watch from the corner of her eye, then walked on behind. The next second he was behind her. Natalie could feel him hovering.
Yes, she was not okay.

His steps to her table had been slow, as his fingers tapped on top of it. She didn't dare look up. She took slow deep breaths as she watched the tapping fingers. He had come to a halt there for one, two_ five seconds then walked out of the room swiftly. Natalie had placed her head on the table and closed her eyes till Mr. Hobbs had showed up.
After her class had ended, he had come back in with the others, laughing and cackling. He had summoned Ramh and they talked on and on, laughed every chance they got. He did not for once look her way.

It was this erratic behavior that plagued Natalie's mind, leaving her grappling with feelings she tried desperately to suppress.
Natalie knew she was in denial. She had long convinced herself that she wasn't deeply interested in Ethan beyond a mere crush. Yet, when Ethan's mixed signals came into play, her resolve wavered. His glances held a hint of something more, and his voice carried an undertone of affection that made her heart race. Each of these moments was like a puzzle piece that she tried to fit into her pre-formed picture of Ethan not having interest for her, only to find that they didn't quite belong.

At times, Natalie would convince herself that she was being unreasonable. Perhaps she was just overreacting. She frequently told herself that Ethan was likely just letting her down slowly or that his behavior was a product of his own unresolved emotions, not necessarily a reflection of his feelings towards her.

When Ethan had showed up unexpectedly in the library, carrying some books and papers for Mr. Hobbs, Natalie had found herself elated although his presence brought with it a warmth that she tried to ignore. She had been at one of the tables, stapling some papers together that she had compiled for reference later, where she watched them from.

Natalie had found herself a bit daring this time round. She fancied to see how far she could get with teasing him_ just a bit.

The thought had made her giggle out just enough for him to be intrigued. He had looked her way, she had looked back at him with a smirk which turned into a sly smile.

His face had her on the verge of bursting out in laughter. She had whipped her head to the side and chuckled.
When she had glanced back, she had seen him still staring. She then collected a couple of papers, aligned them on the table altogether, let out a soft cough and had shot her eyes back at him.

Ethan had clicked back to reality and turned back to Mr. Hobbs who was looking through some shelves.
Natalie had been ecstatic, stooped her head below the table and tried to hold in a million giggles.
She had tried hard to keep it together, letting out inaudible laughs and wiping away tears at the corners of her eyes.
Then she had heard footsteps approaching, bolted up from below and had hurried to get back to stapling.

Ethan was walking to the table she was at, papers in hand. Her stomach was in knots, and she had gotten nervous. He hadn't made eye contact. She had thought him upset.

He had reached there, placed the papers down, sat on the table with arms supporting him from behind and said nothing. He just stared down at her.

Suddenly, the room had become too hot for Natalie and she had held her breath on repeat, spiraling down internally, screaming all the way.
She had been almost face to face with him. In the moment, she had wanted to run up a hill and shout. His mass was all she could see. It was whole and she seemed to be cornered by it. The intensity from the close proximity had weighed on her and she had desired to get rid of him fast.

She had held out the stapler to him and he had hesitated for a second, watching her then sitting up to get it.
He had reached out and held the stapler, together with Natalie's hand that was still holding it. Sparks had traced each inch of her body, and she had hoped he hadn't felt them. He had gone on to staple the papers together.

The impact had left her in shock, quietly looking up at a boy who seemed oblivious to what he was doing. Then he had smirked and Natalie's jaw had dropped.

He frigging knew what he was doing.

That shock had been enough to get her through the week. If he intended what he did, that would only justify what she was thinking... a bit. So now he was leading her on! Did she have it right?
Elise definitely thought so.

"What if he wants to make a move but your sour attitude towards him is the problem," she had argued.

"He deserves it though, I can't be too reckless with my feelings." Elise had then watched Natalie in silence, as if trying to figure her out.
"What! What's that face?" Natalie asked with concern.

Elise munched on her salad then asked with seriousness, "would you say yes to him if he made a move on you?"

The intensity behind her eyes threatened Natalie. She didn't need to be told that Elise was actually very serious about the question. The question itself had made Natalie quiver.

"I don't know," came her answer.

Natalie would often replay their interactions in her mind, searching for clarity in his actions. The problem was that there was no clear pattern, no definitive moment where everything made sense. Instead, there were fragments of moments that seemed to hint at something more but were quickly overshadowed by his next act of emotional detachment.

As the rain continued to fall outside, Natalie sipped her coffee and looked at the world through a veil of uncertainty. Her emotions were tangled and complex, a web of affection, confusion, and denial. In her heart, Natalie knew that until she confronted him alone, she would remain in this state of emotional limbo.
She made up her mind to confront him and get it over with.

Deep within she hoped he says he wants her too, but deeper still she dreaded the thought of another rejection.

🌷🌷🌷