I tried writing fluff but I had a meltdown trying to think of things so that can wait
Im projecting onto tsukasa because he's me im him we are one
I'm not proofreadin
TW: sh and sad shit ig
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3rd POV:
I sit in my cold room, staring at the wall. I don't know what I feel right now. Everything was sorta just empty. I feel empty. My room is empty. Everything. Empty. I could text my friend(s(?)) or my boyfriend, most of them are currently active on Nightcord. I choose not to, however. Why? I'm a bother to everyone. And obviously, they all hate me.
Rui prefers to be with his friends more, which is completely reasonable! I'm insanely annoying. I'm well aware. Rui doesn't truly love me, does he? He loves everyone else more. That's okay though, because I love him! Yes, I'll always be there for him! Whenever he needs me... no matter how empty I feel every time I think about him.... And how he loves everyone else more...
No, no, stop thinking that way! He loves me. More than anything, I'm sure! He tells me everyday! He loves me! He loves me. He loves me... the more I say it, the more ridiculous it sounds.
Because who could ever love me..?
That's right. No one. I'm only a bother. They hate me. Everyone. They all.. that's a little crazy though. How can EVERYONE be lying to me? I'd call them out, by now if I really knew it! Or.. am I just too gullible? I'm too easy to lie to...
That's impossible, no one would put effort into anything for me!
I look back at my phone, feeling better. Ah, a message from Rui!
Oh, never mind. I don't care, it's just him bragging about how awesome his friends are again. Well, I do care, but it makes me feel so horrible. It's like he's directly saying, "Hi, Tsukasa! I'm having more fun with them than I ever will with you!" And it hurts.
God, I'm so annoying. Why do I make everything so fucking negative? He's not thinking that at all, is he?! I'm so self centered! Not everyone hates me! No one gives a shit about me or making me feel bad.
I hope.
Fuck, I feel bad again. I hate this feeling so much. I seem to feel a lot lately... and I was doing so good... I haven't cut for a while. Is that a good thing? Hopefully my razors aren't rusted or something...
I stand up for the first time today and turn to my desk, opening the drawer to see a few razors. Most in perfect condition. There's some hand sanitizer in there too so I grab that. Wrist or thighs today...? Hmm.. thighs. Cutting my thighs always makes me feel... cute. I'm not sure why. It's only really while I'm doing it though... never after, no, that makes me feel awful. It's like I'm supposed to be hurt, I'm supposed to feel pain. I'm supposed to be ruined. Yet somehow I still regret my decisions.
I sit down and make sure no one is staring, not that anyone would be. I glide the sharp corner across my skin, hissing a little but sighing with relief as I see blood. This is exactly what I wanted. I hate and love doing this. I hate it because I don't NEED to do this. I could have it so much worse. Yet... I love the ecstasy that comes with knowing I'm getting what I deserve. Grinning and tearing up, I slice my skin rapidly, making not so deep cuts but enough to satisfy me. Every few times, I'll dig the razor deep into my skin and hold back a cry or a sob. I don't stop though, I don't stop until my thigh is covered in blood and I'm exhausted.
I'm pathetic.
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Uh please don't ever turn to sh it's not the right solution and even if I don't know you, I love and appreciate you all so if you ever feel like no one does, I do
With that being said, kill me
